Sensitive child

[perplexedandbemused]

I'm hoping for some advice on how to be a better parent to my newly extremely sensitive and dramatic 5 year old. It's a hopefully phase, but I fear I'm not handling it well.

For the past few months he's reacted to any sort of negative feedback/facial expressions/slightly raised or exasperated voices like he's in mortal danger. I'm talking running away from us, cowering behind furniture and crying like something truly horrific is about to befall him. He's done it in public, at friends houses or when it's just us at home. We're both finding it tremendously embarrassing and tedious, which means we tend to react in an exasperated manner.

It feels like a huge play for attention, but it's triggering the opposite in both DH and me. Often it starts when I'm trying really hard to avoid triggering him, so we're already being as patient as I have the potential to be in that moment. It can be something as innocent as genuinely calmly saying "if you walk in front of the trolley you might get run over".

Anyone successful traversed this one who could help? I just want to help him through it as soon as possible before I lose my patience.

Some people are sensitive. It's a wonderful thing as often they're the most empathetic when they grow up. There's a theory there's a gene associated with it. I'm like this and have been my whole life. But don't worry I'm a well functioning successful adult with a good job and nice kids.

You probably know this but don't forget the positive feedback still when they do something well and it's feedback for effort.

Secondly they know not to walk in front if the trolley at 5. What they hear is you're being daft again. I'd say excuse me please just need to come through ie treat them like they know this. Also let stuff go if it doesnt matter pick your battles. Maybe just wait for him to move.

Thirdly, I wouldn't criticise them to anyone for being sensitive but put a positive spin on it, they care deeply, like to get things right etc..

It's difficult but on the positive side you have a child who cares what you say and wants to please you. Use it wisely and it's easier for you to get your kid to be good.

Give an example of the kind of 'negative feedback', facial expression or raised voice that triggers this?

"It feels like a huge play for attention" - start by believing your son and not minimising his feelings and experience.

For you it feels "being as patient as I have the potential to be in that moment" but for him "running away from us, cowering behind furniture and crying like something truly horrific is about to befall him" and "any sort of negative feedback/facial expressions/slightly raised or exasperated voices like he's in mortal danger".

I think you may need professional help in order to understand and learn how to help your son dealing with his own feelings

Hey @GoldenDoorHandles , thanks for your comment. We really effectively switched attention from negative to positive behaviours a few years ago and it's revolutionised the house, so I am very adept these days at noticing when he's empathetic, helpful, kind, considerate etc which is a lot of the time. I agree there are many positives in being sensitive. We're also very good at discussing feelings, and processing them most of the time together. It's incredible to me that at 5 he already knows to take deep breaths, take himself to a quiet space if he needs it etc, tell me when he's frustrated or overwhelmed or name other emotions etc. His 3 year old sister is learning too, makes my heart swell to see how ahead of the game they are. I didn't learn this stuff till my 30's! I learned most of it from books and therapy (which @WiseKhakiGoose might be interested to note), and have used this in my parenting. Which is why when we encounter a new behaviour (like this current one of reacting like someone is chasing him with an axe if I remond him to put his PJ's under his pillow) I tend to hope that perhaps someone might have experience of it and have some ideas how to handle it. I don't think he would be nearly so good at taking a breath or telling me he needs to run off adrenaline etc if I hadn't shown him that was a good way to process anger, so seems to reason he also needs someone to help guide him through this bit but I feel totally out of my depth. I'm struggling to empathise with such extreme fear driven reactions. I was able to better see it from his perspective or at least help him understand it when it was anger or sadness, but being scared of an eye roll or sigh I can't get behind. Believe me I'm trying. I'm struggling to know how a child can go from being able to clearly say 'I'm feeling overwhelmed I need some space' to one who runs away to hide from me in a supermarket because I realised I'd forgotten my bank card and said 'oh biscuits' in a jovially exasperated way (how scary can you be whilst quoting bluey, seriously!) I need to be able to empathise and understand before I can help and teach. And I'm struggling.

@LongIslander the trolley was one example, pjs another. Sometimes I can kind of see it coming (i.e. when it's driven by bedtime avoidance) but other times I'm blindsided. I feel like I can't even get marginally exasperated without him behaving as though he's petrified. For example if I ask him to put his shoes on in the morning, he gets distracted, I remind him that it's time to go and point at his feet or something like that, then a few minutes later there's still no shoes so I get them out of the cupboard and take them to him with a firm 'shoes!' and suddenly he's yelled out in terror and run away to hide under the bed. It doesn't feel possible to go through life never being in the least bit frustrated, but right now I feel like that's what's expected of me. Like if I'm anything less than perfect I'm terrifying my child, and the same for DH.

In general we work very hard not to trivialise emotions of any sort, for example disappointed over getting a different colour plate than you'd expect. We talk to the children, help them to understand how they're feeling and discuss what happens to our body when we're angry or sad, and how to handle the emotion (anger you might need to get the adrenaline out, sadness you might need to cry or have a hug). I think perhaps I worded my initial statement really badly. It's not the sensitivity so much as this new reaction which I'm struggling with. He seems to be completely terrified of us, when to my mind we're not giving him reason to displaying this level of fear. He can't go through life never hearing the word no, never being told it's bedtime, never having someone be slightly exasperated that he and his sister have to have the exact same toy at the same time despite no-one caring it existed till the other one wanted it or he's had to be asked 5x to put his shoes on for the 75th day this year. These are all normal every day occurrences, hiding under the bed like someone is going to seriously harm you is not a normal, every day reaction. It's extreme, and I can't seem to get to the bottom as to why this behaviour has started appearing a few months ago and doesn't seem to be going away! He can't verbalise the reasons for it either during or after the fact. Just a bit lost.

Is he going through big change in life?
School started in Autumn last year?

Asking as my sensitive child would normally brave through first few weeks/months of big change and then start to show true emotions. Super clingy, crying,drama etc.

I was quite annoyed by it but since I diacovered patterm it was much easier. We provide A LOT of cuddless,kissess,watching tv holding hands, love yous etc. it does help.
Thwre is still big drama sometimes but I'd normally just turn on funny voice and offer hug, pretend I cry bcs we are not close now (gets supper happy I am missing and will run to hug) and sometimes I offer treats like let's share biscuite, watch something etc. when things really get to shit

He sounds ND, genuinely scared and dysregulated.

My Dd couldn’t cope with raised voices. It made her horrific
Later diagnosed AUDHD

Dc isn't nv as far as we're aware but sighing and eye rolling do upset him. They upset me too. I know its hard but it is rude and they know that. Look at what happens when we do it to a spouse. It always surprises me kids put up with it so well. And a firm put your shoes on would get yelling and tears. However terrified seems an unusual reaction it doesn't sound like youve done anything that would ordinarily make a chils terrified. I suppose all you can do is hug and explain. But it sounds like you already do. I agree with others that help may be needed.

My 4.5 year old is sensitive and sometimes can behave like this. I have found that being silly with things distracts them from their emotions and can help the situation along faster. For example if he's not putting on his shoes I would get him to his shoes and then say in a serious voice 'right come on we're late, im going to have to help you now hurry up and get these shoes on, come on put your hands out!' And then put start putting the shoes on his hands, he'll then giggle and correct you and then say "OK well hurry and get them on your ears" etc until he shows you how to do it correctly (can also do this with coats on like trousers or just putting pants on your head or something ridiculous).

With the trolley thing try to say what he should be doing rather than adding in a consequence "stand at the side of the trolley "

I've found my kid very much likes to do things well and gets upset if she can't do them right and sometimes that comes out in this type of behaviour. She is frustrated at not doing things well enough and then it escalates. Also just want to say solidarity, it's tough having a sensitive child!