Co- PARENTING NIGHTMARE PLS HELP

[drainedparent]

I’m lost with how to go ahead going forwards, if anyone has advice please let me know, I can’t cope :(

Me and my ex have a 4.5 year old. We spilt less than a year after he was born but still spent lots of time together. He always had feelings for me but I wasn’t attracted to him.

Fast forward to this year, he met someone end of March. (Really happy for him). He kept cancelling his days with his son, wouldn’t reply to me about messages about our son. Our relationship was okay before he met her, yes arguments but we’d always apologise and trusted each other with boundaries regarding our son.

A few weeks ago I was driving him and his dad home so they could spend the weekend together. As I’m almost there he drops it on me that our son is meeting his new girl, that he’s only known for 2 months. He didn’t even tell me, and we argued badly in the car because he got so distressed as his plans were going out the window. I took our son back home and then called his dad to ask what do we do about the situation because his son wants to see his dad, he said I’ll tell her to go. So as we’re getting back in the car, he calls to tell me he won’t tell her to go because she’s pregnant. So already our son was excited to go and I was pushed into a corner and they met and my son stayed the night. I felt extremely uncomfortable with this, too much too soon.

Then the next week our son stays on a Friday night. Saturday morning I come collect him to take him to football, and his girlfriend goes on holiday for a week. When I get back his dad asks if we should take our son out for the day. I agree because it’s what we would always do time to time. When we got home his dad said he wanted to quickly see his friend. I said I’d stay with our son at his but to come home as I’m not staying the night. He didn’t get back until 2.40am. I had fallen asleep in one bed with our son and he slept in the other room. The next day I get up with our son, take care of him and his dad didn’t get out of bed until 3am. He said he’d go the shop to get me milk for my tea, then seconds later he’s kicking me out because his girlfriend is angry I stayed the night. (Rightly so in some ways but I couldn’t leave as our son was in bed and I didn’t think he’d be back at that time). But he was soo rude and nasty kicking me out, our son stayed Sunday night and I picked up his dad Monday morning.

Whilst his dad was out btw, may I add that my son told me he stayed in bed with dad and girlfriend. Dad told me he’d be sharing a room with our son, not his girlfriend, as he knows our son isn’t used to sleeping alone.

Monday he refuses to acknowledge he crossed my boundaries by introducing our son and his girlfriend too early, but immediately cared about crossing his girlfriends boundaries by me staying.

shes moved her cat in, she basically lives there now. Thursday I come over to talk to them both about the plan moving ahead. Our sons dad said he hates me so bad and we have to communicate with his 19 year old girlfriend (he’s 25) (I’m 23). I agree because I’m happy to do what he’s comfortable with, even though it makes me feel weird communicating with her, and its asking for An argument. They both apologised for crossing my boundaries introducing them too soon and agreed they’d change going ahead. I thought we turned a page. I said I wasn’t sure what I was comfortable going forwards and they said it’s okay to change my mind on things, just let his girlfriend know.

when I got home I text her and asked if she had a spare bed for our son, because our son stays in his dads room which isn’t a proper bed, it’s two single mattresses overflowing a double bed frame. Whereas him and his girlfriend are staying in the spare room in a better bed. She said yeah no problem. I asked if she could ask dad to sleep with his son because if not, he’ll crawl through and I think it’s inappropriate our son sharing the bed with her. She said yeah fine I’ll let him know.

so as I’m dropping our son off on Saturday day time, his dad snatches his overnight bag from me and said I really annoyed him because I ‘changed’ the plan. I said I didn’t, I asked if possible if there was a proper bed and I also said fine if not. And I begged and begged on the Thursday when we had the talk, of how can I raise things without him being abusive with me, because I mentally can’t cope. I’m so depressed. So so depressed because of how he treats me. I’m desperate to change everything.

i held back the tears and called his girlfriend (who was there) and asked what I did wrong and how to fix things going ahead because that isn’t okay. She proceeded to say me and his dad didn’t have a proper relationship before I got pregnant (me), and his dad at the time only stayed with me because I was pregnant. When in 2019 when I met his dad, it was feb, I would’ve got pregnant end of March, beginning of April, and I didn’t find out until middle of July. We were saying I love you, baby, had deep chats. Stayed at his allll the time so it really upset me when she said this. And that his dad is saying it too because it never needed to be said, and it also isn’t true.

so I sent her screenshots of messages before I found out I was pregnant from 2019 (which I shouldn’t have done but I have autism and I couldn’t hold it back) she was like I’m sorry if you interpreted your relationship wrong but that’s not how he saying it was like. I said to her it’s nasty saying I’ve interpreted wrong because it’s making my head go crazy. It’s not an opinion.

my sons dad calls me Sunday morning asking me to collect our son as his girlfriend is miscarrying. I start crying on the phone with him and Immediately get our son. My son tells me on the way back that he went to his girlfriends mams house. Again another boundary crossed. I’m so so angry he took him over there, when he knew I wouldn’t have been comfortable with that. And he said multiple times he was sorry and he’d change going forwards, then next exact opportunity crossed it again.

i call him a day later to ask when an appropriate time would be to speak to him to discuss our son. He immediately started kicking off saying I caused his girlfriend stress by saying she was nasty and that I caused her miscarriage. He then started calling me multiple names on the phone.

i just can’t cope with this, he’s never been so nasty and difficult to talk to until he met her. We’ve all got autism but the focus is on his dad. I’ve been so so open to all his viewpoints. He’s being selfish and not putting our son first. She’s basically moved in, only known her since April and keeps pushing boundaries.

normally our son would stay this weekend, but I can’t trust him not to take our son to his girlfriends mams house. And if he’s crossed that boundary, what other boundary is he crossing? Even if I ask his girlfriend to not stay, she won’t do that cos she lives there and has met our son. But I can’t trust him or her. We can’t communicate. I get abuse whenever I talk to him, I can’t cope. My mental health is suffering, at the end of the day I have to get out of bed to take care of our son.

i just don’t know what to do going forwards, its not working but If I pause contact I’ll get called the mam that is stopping her son seeing his dad. If anyone has any advice I’d much appreciate it. I’ve tried everything and nothing is working.

Wow so much to unpick. First you have no control over when he introduces your son to people ( totally wrong but I believe true)
Why are you doing all the running, if he wants his son he should be making the effort to collect him. Does he pay maintenance, if not get a claim in now. Your son needs a routine and I'd personally stop being so flexible with him chopping and changing on visits. I also wouldn't be communicating with anyone but him. It's his child and he needs to accept that co parenting means it's the parents doing it. I'd also stop messaging the girl friend.

I did have a claim but he kept saying you’re taking money from me when I can’t afford food. He’s in a lot of debt. When our son turned 4 in December he still was slacking. I was buying everything. I put a claim in December. He paid 2 payments then nothing. So I made it direct and he kicked off because I’m taking even more off him when he has nothing. So on Saturday I asked to close it :( I shouldn’t have but I felt guilty if he can’t afford food. Although he can afford to buy weed. Which I’ve always understood he needs it for health. But my point was he could even just buy our son a pair of shoes here and there.

i want to just message him but he said he hates me and he gets too distressed talking to me. Doesn’t reply to texts. The other week when things kicked off I messaged him saying why don’t you collect our son at 10 and drop him off at 4.30. He said that pissed him off cos it felt like a prison sentence when that’s not true. It’s cos his girlfriend got back from holiday for a week and he missed her. But his son hadn’t seen him for a week. I tried FaceTiming him a week or two ago and he didn’t reply because he was ‘scared’ it was me. When none of this was like this until he met her.

i can’t trust my son to stay overnight he’s broken the trust. He’s not sticking to our agreement when he shouts that he will. The reason why I’m concerned about who he’s introducing to our child, is because his girlfriends best friend barricades her kids in there room to party and neglects them. I’ve reported them to social but it’s making me concerned both their judgments. In the future I was okay for our son to go to her mams but it’s too soon.

i can’t stand the verbal abuse. It’s severely affecting my mental health

Honestly, I would massively reduce contact. Not sure why you are driving your som and ex around to facilitate contact.

I would restart the CM claim and ignore his claims be can’t afford food. His CM payment will be significantly less than having a dc costs you.

Agree set days/ times for ex to have your son. He collects from your house and returns him (or you drop off and he returns).

And aside from that, step back and leave him to his chaos.

Yes, as PPs have said, you need to take a massive step back. Try to take the emotion out of it if you can. You don't need to get involved in all these emotional conversations with your ex - your interactions should be brief, factual and relate only to arrangements about your son. You need to formalise arrangements now - the flexible approach you had before is clearly not working for anyone, least of all your son. Go through CMS again (if he kicks off, simply ignore), and agree set days/ times for him to see your son. It's up to your ex to facilitate this - stop driving them around. If he misses the contact time, then that's on him. He doesn't sound like a particularly committed or stable influence for your son right now anyway.

He's playing you big time and controlling you. If he can't afford maintenance for his son how was he going to afford another baby. He could go to the doctors and get helpnwith his medical condition, their very few cases that weed actually helps pain. I know it does help but if it's that's bad he would get pip and so would be able to afford some maintenance. Also if he needs weed to cope how is he looking after your son. Reinstall cms. Offer for him to pick your son up at X time till X time and stick to it. Don't engage about anything else. If he doesn't stuck to it just ignore and when he gets back in touch tell him to go through contact.

You are getting far too involved in your ex's business. I agree with the other posters. It's not your business who he introduces to his son. Whether you agree with it or not it's up to him how he parents on his time. It was wrong of you to stop contact with his dad because the girlfriend was there.

I also don't think it's appropriate for his new girlfriend to be the go between. It's not her place and it just complicates things. You and your ex are the child's parents and you need to learn to communicate. If he's being abusive then manage the communication. My DH had to communicate via email because his ex was abusive. Set up a separate account, switch off the notifications and check it once or twice a week. If you don't already, have a proper parenting plan out in place and stick to that so that there's less discussion about who has your son when.

Stop running him about. He's a grown man, he can make his own arrangements to see his son. Contact CMS and let them deal with child maintenance payments. If he's really in so much debt maybe he shouldn't be getting different women pregnant. I bet he has money for cigarettes/weed/alcohol/takeaways etc.

Stop concerning yourself about why he hates you or why he behaves how he does. It's irrelevant. Chances are you've done absolutely nothing wrong and he's just an arsehole. My stepkids mum hates me because I exist. I'm not going to waste any time wondering what I've done or trying to get her to like me.

It's great that you had a good co-parenting relationship previously but that doesn't seem to be the case now. It is what it is. Start treating the situation more clinically. You are not friends, you are not one big happy family. The priority now is that your son spends time with his dad and his dad pays for his son.

He sees a community mental health time and they’re trying to get medical cannabis. They have helped him applied for pip too.

i want him to have contact but what do I do because I have trust issues in who he brings round our child and doesn’t stick to agreements. We had an agreement for him not to take him round to her mams. I don’t know if I said but she miscarried on Sunday just gone and he said that I caused the miscarriage :(
she said to me on the phone the day before that me and him didn’t have a proper relationship (which we did) before I found out I was pregnant and I got really upset. I said it’s nasty to tell me I’ve ‘interpreted’ a relationship different when it’s facts. My ex said do you know the stress you’ve caused her and what happened the next day. When she brought it up. The conversation with her wasn’t heated at all. I said it’s nasty to say I’ve interpreted my relationship because it sends me insane and I lie awake at night believing that my whole life is a lie. But she’s the one who had bad intentions to bring it up. Mine and his relationship has nothing to do with her.

there’s nothing more in the world that I want is for his dad to have his son, but he’s not making him a priority and I’ve got massive trust issues. What would be the best way to start organising contact. I can’t message him for a few days at least because he’s really angry atm. And also last time I messaged about a set time, it got him angry cos he said it felt like a prison sentence saying pick your son up at 10 and drop him off for between 4-5.

ive tried every approach. I’m so sick of the grief and verbal abuse I get from him. Only since he started seeing someone new as well

At the risk of sounding harsh here OP, you need to get yourself a back bone and start advocating for your dc.

Taking yourself out of the equation, why are you pushing for a weed taking abusive man and his 19yo gf to see your child? A man who shouts at you and is manipulating you to get away with not paying for his own child?

As for your next steps, toughen up and send one message. Tell him you're only going to communicate with him about your shared child, not his gf.
You will make dc available on X days, at x times. If he would like to pick him up and see him that's fine. If you want to be nice, tell him you'll collect dc to bring him home.
Do not deviate from the schedule you've set.
Do not tell your dc when his dad is meant to be coming if there's a chance he won't show up.
Put your maintenance claim back in.

Write out some standard responses you can pick from when your ex starts trying to guilt you about money or refusing to abide by the schedule.
'DC costs a lot and he's 50% yours so you need to pay your share'
'I don't set the maintenance rates'
'If you don't want to see dc that's your choice but I'll keep him here and available as I said I would'

Next, I'd recommend you arrange some counselling for yourself. You're putting a lot of time and energy into understanding why he's doing the things he's doing, desperately trying to please him and make things ok so he isn't abusive.
Unfortunately, if he's an abusive person, nothing you're doing is going to make him stop.
He knows you, he knows exactly what to say and do to make you feel bad, upset, angry, and you need a way to stop him being able to do that.
He will always want his own way, and will try various methods to get that. Your job is to learn how to stop that, whether it's by using the grey rock technique (please google) or cutting him off. Use your energy on that.

I haven’t stopped contact at all. Every week he’s had the opportunity to have his son. He’s just stayed on Saturday night just gone. And it was that day he took our son to his girlfriends mams. I called him to tell I was uncomfortable and it was against what we agreed. But I haven’t stopped contact. I’d never ever do that. I just don’t know to how to handle this because what we ‘agree’ on, he’s not sticking too

Thank you I really appreciate that. I see a mental health nurse myself and have done since 2021. My weight is mainly the issue as so thin. But I put so much of my energy into our son. I’ve never had a problem with contact with dad and son until this year. Last year he kept cancelling to see our son but we never argued cos I understood he was struggling etc and we got the schedule back on track.

when I had the maintenance claim in I said I don’t set the rates. It was arranged at first for him to bank transfer and he didn’t. He kept saying I needed that money for my rent so couldn’t transfer. The account is over £800 in arrears and that’s only since this year. Imagine if I put a claim in 3 years ago

I was pushing for contact because before girlfriend, we’d have days out with our son which went well. As well as our son just staying at his
also if his dad is asking he’ll be like why you controlling our son and stopping contact. He’s always smoked weed so they’ll say you knew about this (when before I was pregnant I didn’t realise how much he smoked it)
but he has joint responsibility so I guess at the end of the day I couldn’t stop it, but I know they love each other. He could put his son first he chooses not too

1. Stop allowing your ex to stay with you.
2. Do your handovers in a consistent way and on the same days. Either he comes and picks up your son from yours/you then pick up your son from his OR you met in a neutral public location to do the handovers. If your ex doesn't turn up one week then unfortunately for your son contact doesn't happen.
3. Refuse to discuss with your ex his relationships and health. He needs to lean on other people not you.
4. Find other people to support you and don't discuss your own relationships, health etc with your ex.

You can't stop your child seeing his dad because you have trust issues. It's none of your business who he has around your son and where he takes him on his time. You can't dictate to him where he takes his son on his parenting time.

You said it yourself, your relationship with your ex is nothing to do with his girlfriend, so why are you wasting time justifying your relationship to her. And at the end of the day does it really matter if you were or weren't in a relationship when you got pregnant. It's irrelevant to the situation now. Block the girlfriend and stop involving her in discussions about your son.

In terms of arranging contact, if he's not replying or is being abusive towards you then stop contacting him. Let him contact you to arrange to see his son. In the long term arrange a mediation appointment and draw up a parenting plan so you're not having to arrange contact on an ad-hoc basis. At the moment you aren't able to make plans because you don't know if or when your ex will have your son. It's also good for your son to have more structure so get something sorted so it's easier for everyone.

Hes still loves you and is punishing you for leaving him. But men always seem to find a new girlfriend very quickly as they can't cope.

I don't think there is much you can do about the girlfriend and he's obviously spun a Web of lies. Don't communicate via her as she probably won't be around for long and she's 19 ffs.

Just set up every other weekend and a night in the week with set times. No need for chitchat just facts regarding your son.

Good luck my ex is still a non paying twat 15 years later and managed to get married 🙄

I think he does too :( he’s been waiting for years for me to ‘change’ my mind but I lost attraction.

i think they will stay together because she’s moved in, but also she smokes weed. And she has cerebral palsy. Other men have treated her like shit in the past because of her legs, she can walk and is okay compared to other people in her condition, but she can’t stand straight etc. And she thinks my ex is amazing cos he can when he wants to, treat people so so so lovely

do you really want to encourage your son to be around a weed smoking user like that and his girlfriend is 19, fir goodness sake cut out trying to communicate with her, she’s a child do you really think she knows what she’s doing with her life let alone the dad and as for having a say about your son. Ignore anything she has said about your past history, she only has his side and again she’s a CHILD she’s still in the playground.

arrange set meetings, a night a week and every other weekend, and stop with this driving him around. For goodness grow a backbone you have a child !.

if you were my daughter, and I have daughters your age, I would push you to get legal advice, get your visits in writing and get financial support of course he can pay, he’ll have to it might not be much but that’s not the point.

trust me, you have stated time and time again that you don’t want a relationship with him, so you need to move on. You have a life to live so draw a line under this. Write up a plan of action and stick to it, trust me he will.

1. Get visitation sorted,
2. get CM sorted
3. stop giving him lifts
4. stop bring involved/worrying about his life, it only concerns you when it effects your son
5. when sorting visitation out make sure he has a legal requirement to provide suitable sleeping/living arrangements for your son
6. stop going out with him, he is not your BF/partner or anything he is just your sons father that is the only connection you have or need to have with him
7. start living your own life, get yourself out there and find yourself someone