Dealing with constantly bickering kids?

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Two kids now aged 9 and 6.
They are very very close, which is nice. They want to play together most of the time and if they are watching TV or whatever they sit cuddled up together.

However, they also just bicker and argue constantly.
Sometimes because playfighting or tickling will result in one of them getting hurt. Or a board game will result in an argument.

But often because they are just constantly winding each other up - one will start humming or just looking at the other in a certain way and then it just carries on from there.

Both have emotional regulation issues - 9 yr old boy gets angry/outraged very easily and the 6 year old girl gets upset and cries easily.

Individually they are now basically easy and fun. Together... not so much. We really try and be patient but too often it ends up with everyone shouting.

I'm particularly concerned about the summer holidays and going away as a family. We plan fun stuff and then sometimes (not always!) it ends up being miserable because their relationship is just very volatile and we end up telling them off a lot.

Any words of advice welcome. On how to encourage them to be calmer with each other, or to help up cope better!

Thank you.

As soon as one starts they get separated until they calm down and behave. This could mean sending one to their bedroom or front room, or it could mean one stays with you while you cook, do laundry, (or helps). But you have to do it every time.

My mum (of 4) always used to say if you are bickering you must be bored, I have plenty of chores that need doing. And she meant it. After one long summer she only had to give us a look and we would stop bickering. Mind you the house and garden did look very neat and tidy that year 😂

Could have wrote this mine have just turned 10 and 7 also oldest boy youngest girl. It's relentless everything is an argument and competition can't even take them out as they spend the whole time arguing.

Divide and conquer. Make sure they get time away from each other on holiday.

We try and separate them sometimes - grandparents will take one for a night which is good.

I will give them time outs where they can't see each other but they just inch towards each other or make noises at each other, magnetically attracted!

Then I'm in a cycle of escalating punishments.

My son is v high energy (ADHD is possible), and from when my daughter was a baby he's kind of messed with her to get a reaction. He wants constant stimulation. So I think it's how they have ended up with this relationship. They are also best friends so it's not all bad.

I agree with the first poster. Separate them.

Keep the one who responded with you, send away the one who started it. Reward them with no attention.

If that’s usually your DS, and he won’t stay away then have a plan for that. Something like a timer that goes when he’s allowed back in the room, an activity (one he likes, it’s not a punishment) in another room ready for him to do and a consequence he cares about if he doesn’t stay out until the timer goes off.

Then disengage. He’ll escalate and push boundaries and say things to push your buttons. Become selectively deaf to anything other than immediate danger or distress (anger is fine), until that timer goes. Then right back to what you were doing. If he’s created havoc while out of the room, then deal with that later, together, in a matter of fact way.

We try and separate them sometimes
Sometimes is not good enough. It really isn't. It has to be every single time or it won't stop.

I will give them time outs where they can't see each other but they just inch towards each other
Then you put them back in their original positions and restart the time out. Every. Single. Time.

You are telling them one thing, then not backing those words up with actions. You have to say what you mean and mean what you say. Parenting is hard, it is relentless but you can't ever say " i can't be bothered to follow through today". That way lies trouble and a much harder future for when they are teenagers. Treat bickering as you would a tantrum, don't give in.

and from when my daughter was a baby he's kind of messed with her to get a reaction.
Your poor daughter. No wonder she cries easily. She has an angry older brother who deliberately messes with her, and parents who let him (sometimes). Start protecting her and stop excusing it by saying she loves him - she doesn't know any difference. She will once she's an adult though.

Yes, to separating them. If they can play together nicely sometimes, great. But otherwise, they need space from each other.

We have two lounges. Well, one is a lounge and the other is a guest room with a sofa and tv. They go to different rooms to decompress and get time away from each other. Maybe you don't have the space for two separate 'lounges'. Make sure one has a bit of a bedroom sanctuary or give them space somewhere to do something besides be with the other.

Dh and I also often do separate things on the weekends with them. It just makes life easier. Now it does mean that we both have to fully parent. There's no default parent when we each have a child, but it makes everything more enjoyable. This past weekend, we both did completely separate activities with them Saturday and Sunday, and then dh took youngest away camping for the night too.

We also quite often do separate holidays - I don't mean this is purely because our dc fight too much. We have a farm and a dog at home, so all going away is pretty logistically difficult as there are a lot of animals to look after and no one really who can easily do it. So one of us takes one child and the other stays with the other child and the animals and then we swap. It really does make things a lot easier, especially as they get to the hormonal pre-teen/teenage years (which are horrific). They are just a little bit less horrific when there is only one moody one to deal with and less fighting.

We have enough space in the house and they have their own rooms, but the thing is that they actually want to be together most of the time.

To clarify, it's not that my daughter needs protecting from my son, she's just as likely to be winding him up as the other way around. They also don't deliberately hurt each other but quite often do accidentally.

We do separate activities with them sometimes which is easier, but of course want to be a while family sometimes too (and sometimes only one parent is available).

Yes, probably need to move quicker to enforcing a separation when they start the bickering. That's a punishment for them in itself.

I have a 4 year old boy and a 1 year old girl. They aren't fighting yet but I'm finding it such hard work. DS starts school in September and I have to say I'm looking forward to a bit of extra time away from him and a bit more of DD on her own, I'm finding their each much easier on their own!

Anyway, sorry this isn't quite the topic and I'm adding in my own thing here, but please tell me when they get a bit easier? How old was your DD when things felt easier?

And the is is totally what I have! I'm glad I found this threat :-)

I am trying hard to get them both to help more in the house so I like the idea of sending one to their room and one helps to cook, tidy or whatever.

It's quite hard to get the balance between taking action where necessary, and letting smaller things go so we don't end up in a constant cycle of telling them off.

My mother used to send us out in the garden where she couldn't hear us. Same age difference between us. We had to sort it out between us. Garage if it rained.

This is very sensible advice!

In general, when she got to about 4 but that's just because it's an easier age than baby/toddler.

We tried hard to stop him messing with his little sister to get a reaction (good or bad!) but it's difficult. Making sure he always has something to fiddle with like Lego, toys or even blu tak helped to an extent. It's just that need for constant input.

Shame we've got such a tiny garden! I do prefer to let them sort it out wherever possible.

Siblings bicker - my 2 bickered for about 10 years .. but then they leave home and you'd love that bickering back!

When going on trips/outings. Clear expectations and consequences but you must follow through everything.

I wonder if it’s the 3 year age gap as a few people have said similar. Mine are the same but 11&14. Oldest is autistic. Youngest maybe adhd. They just snap at each other and deliberately do things they on not the other. Younger tries to do nice thing for eldest but often results in arguments. I have found that youngest now has friends to hang out with and this is helpful for her. Eldest doesn’t like hanging out with friends.

My boys are similar ages, and similar relationship. The winding up and/or play fighting is usually fun but can flip in a moment into a real fight.
One thing that helped us was we chose a family code word which anyone can use at any time when whatever is going on stops being fun - they very creatively chose the word "stop"!
If I can sense that things are escalating, I will remind them that if they aren't having fun they can say "stop". Once someone says stop, both parties HAVE to stop what they are doing, or I will step in with a time out or other consequence. If someone disagrees with the stop, they still have to stop but can appeal to authority to have the stop reversed (so for example you can't 'stop' someone elses turn on the TV).
It mostly works, if they keep going back to picking a fight it means they are bored and I need to direct them to a new activity.

Sounds normal to me! May have to spend more time with them . i.e when they are playing games. Mine were like that up to their teams !

I like the code word idea! Might try that one.

Two boys here but similar ages, eldest with ADHD and similar behaviour.

I’m going to go against the grain and say don’t separate them, what’s the point? They’ll never learn conflict resolution that way, and also do you really want to live as a separate family?

To be fair mine get on pretty well on holiday and days out, my ADHDer needs novelty so he’s at his best in different environments.

At home, if DS1 is starting to wind DS2 up, he’s looking for stimulation, that dopamine hit. So we give him a job. Anything. Find something your ADHD child enjoys and make sure he has space to do it - mine loves reading and Lego.

Thankfully (she says!?) DS2 is starting to get his own back and initiate the wind up of DS1. I leave them to it most of the time, but if it gets violent I step in, calmly, but firmly.