Kids birthday uninviting a guest

[Jellybeans20]

So we invited a friend and their husband and kids to our toddler's birthday. I don't want her there anymore. The kids have probably interacted once a year and the husbands the same. The friendship is between the mothers and my friend proved to be very toxic a week ago. She crossed a tonne of boundaries judging me, my husband etc and tried to draw comparisons with her to make herself feel better. It was just a very messy conversation filled with put downs and boundary crossings. She was also trying to push some misogynistic family values whilst at it. Ive always been weary of inviting her to events because she is volatile with any community she is part of e.g. her kids school, her in-laws, her other friends and her own siblings etc. She is estranged from these groups and I offer a ear and advice but then she kind of showed me what it's like being on the receiving end of her behaviour. She has always wondered why people suddenly cut all contact with her. I feel awful about uninviting someone with a kid because the kid is on the receiving end of that but I really need to keep this friend away. In other friendships she has that has reached this point, she has tried to meddle with their relationships through others so I dont want to open the door for that by allowing her around our circle. How do I uninvite someone politely. her kids can still come if she wants but i cant see parents wanting that outcome

I myself probably wouldn't disinvite her, doesn't mean I have to talk with her too much though and I would definitely keep my distance from now on. Did she even realised what she did- you say she's always wandering why people cut her off

Just ignore her if she turns up

people like this thrive off drama and no doubt will somehow end up the victim

How soon is the party? Could you phase her out after that? Uninviting her will cause a lot of drama - which she will probably feed on and make herself look like the victim.

I think it depends on the situation around the party. Is it a big party with 20-30 kids and parents at soft play? I might be inclined to just let as is and ignore her, then ghost her. Is it a small tea party with 5 children at your home? That's different. As it means you and others will not be able to avoid having to interact with her.

Honestly, I'm a very direct rip the plaster off sort of person. If your dc have only seen hers once this year and you've only seen her the same, then she isn't someone who would even know about the party if you told her it was cancelled. Just say, sorry, we've decided to do just a family day out for x's party this year instead, so we're not planning to have people around for cake anymore. Maybe we'll catch you around another time. Or make up a vomiting bug 48 hours before. Then ghost and block if necessary.

thanks for the feedback. @rwalker its very soon. @mindutopia haha love it. vomitting bug! the party is it at a public place but in a private area. part of it would be in the public space but a lot would be intimate and she would try to interact with people. shouldnt have invited her. although we talk, no real catch ups outside of birthdays. any planned catch ups get cancelled last minute.

So I did tell her we needed some time apart. The possibility of having her there was bothering me. There were red flags throughout the friendship. We met through a close friend of mine and for a few years she wanted to engage in malicious gossip regarding that friend and I didn't engage because why befriend me through that person then talk rubbish about that person? Each time the things she said would get darker. She came to an event of mine and spoke to my best friend (a different person to whom we met through) and we no longer talk.. It came out of nowhere. Invited her to a birthday and no acknowledgement of the message. Messaged about going to a sporting match several months later and nothing, which is bizzare.. but could be a coincidence. I don't have proof they speak to each other but she did remember her birthdate... She said something strange to my mum at the event. Told me she was not TTC (we were both trying and I conceived and she didnt) but told my in-laws whom she just met that she was TTC. She has said things then pretended she never said that several times. I just don't want her to sink her claws too deep into my circle or it could affect more than just me. I felt I needed to set boundaries to protect my kids and their relationships too. Anyway, I hope I don't even receive a reply.

If she is being a cow and treating you like dirt then with a very clear conscience, you could withdraw the invite to your toddlers' party.

Just tell her straight she's not welcome and that's final.

You are not a mat for her to wipe her feet on. She's clearly a bit thick to not understand why she gets rejected, she needs to sort her head out first.

Besides, your toddlers' birthday is a day to celebrate, not a day to be insulted

Have arrangements been sent? I mean you could just not send her any info? Or does she already know everything she would need to attend? Or you could say you are scaling it back a bit due to costs and word the message as if it has gone to a few people? Then ignore any response. This on top of you saying recently that you needed a break from her she will get message. You can't worry about her kid, a toddler will be unaware

@Irridescantshimmmer thanks for the honest response. I just feel like the carry on as normal response in this situation will make me feel poorly and concerned for my family. she crosses too many boundaries. this friendship really only became a friendship during lockdown (of course when we are all vulnerable) and it always bothered me. I told her very politely that we needed some distance. My DH thinks that she already wasn't planning to come and that her tirade was no accident. She had a close family friend who got separated. They met through the husbands. Her friend has in-law troubles and the second she found out the friend had an event without her, she decided to befriend the mother-in-law and do and say a number of things against the friend. I said I disagreed with her.. but clearly I unnecessarily tolerated this friend for far too long.

@Quitelikeacatslife The arrangements have been sent. I told her specifically that she couldn't come (I know. I just couldnt have someone at a kids party that may be working to sabotage in the background). I also specified I didn't uninvite the kids and left it up to her to send them with someone. I was regretful and kind in the message (but how do you send a slap in the face message kindly, I guess). She didn't reply.