Never saw myself being 'one and done' but struggling to imagine having a 2nd

[bakerted]

I've found parenting extremely hard. It's changed me entirely. But of course I love my son dearly and would never be without him. I've always wanted more than one child if I were lucky enough to conceive again, but I have started to feel like I just couldn't imagine going from one to two when I'm already finding the days so challenging. How will I cope with another child?

Is 0-1 harder than 1-2?

How old is your DC?

How old is DS?

I found 1-2 a breeze compared to 0-1. Having DD1 felt like my life had been blown apart and it was really hard. I definitely didn’t take to it naturally. But I also felt like our family wasn’t complete so we went for DD2 when DD1 was 1y4m. It felt so early but I was keen to have a relatively small age gap. However now DC are 2 and 4 I feel like I have the benefit of them being really good friends who play together and learn from each other and life can be really, really lovely.

I sometimes long for another but don’t think we will go for it, as things finally feel easier and more enjoyable, and I don’t want to rock the boat! I don’t know how it goes after this but, but so far I have no regrets and think that for us the benefits outweigh the negatives.

Only you know if you want another though, and what’s right for you won’t necessarily be right for anyone else.

1-2 was incredibly hard but we had a small gap, no childcare help with the toddler, covid and I am a SAHM so just frazzled from the children in general with little breaks from them! BUT the joy that we get from seeing our two grow up together, play together, experience life together far far outweighs all the stress and negatives and expense, tiredness etc of having 2. (And the arguments!) It does also help that our second is a real joy and a far easier child than our first!

Is 0-1 harder than 1-2?

It's a hundred times harder. Once you've made the big jump into parenthood, the second one adds very little to the workload.

I knew I wanted another baby by the time DS1 was 4mths, we started TTC when he was around a year. Two under two is hard work, especially as DS2 was much harder work than DS1, but I wouldn’t change a thing, my two sons are best friends.

I felt like you, then DD grew a little older, slept more and life became easier. And then I even more didn't want to go through baby stage again.

She's eight now, and still an only child. I love being a family of three: me, DH and DD, we are a good team. Apart from the odd pang of guilt of not being like other families, I've no regrets in sticking with one child.

We didn’t think we’d have a second until dd1 was 2.5. Then we had twins 😂🙈

I’d still say 0-1 was much harder than 1-3.

I found 0-1 insanely hard. It took me SO long to get into the swing of things and accept my new life (as much as I loved DC1!) whereas with DC2 it felt like a breeze. There were more practical things second time around about managing two kids but emotionally it was so so much easier.

I would say though that you’ve really got to want another child and there’s no shame in being one and done. I’m an only child myself and i’m always amused at the perception people have sometimes of only children, I’m incredibly close to my family and got the chance to do some really interesting things as a kid that I may not have had the chance to if I’d had a sibling.

I do think that very much depends on a lot of variables, including the age gap, nature of both children, how well they sleep / feed, how much help you have etc. I don’t think many people would say having a newborn added very little workload if they are juggling 2 under 2 full time on little sleep

I'm one and done. That realisation came after becoming a mum. I've not once regretted it and thank my lucky stars that there have been no accidents or ill-considered ideas to change this status.
My son is 10yo now and I am completely at peace.

I have several DC. Perhaps you are one and done, nothing wrong with that!

I felt like this after my first. Didn’t have PPD or PDA but generally just found parenting difficult (and still do a lot of the time!) it really turns your life upside down. Anyway I’m now 13 months in with my second and it really is a totally different experience. Not practically easier, or any less relentless but your life isn’t thrown upside down as much because you’re already “in it”. The biggest thing for me though is I have a lot more perspective about the situation. My older is 3.5, she eats, she sleeps, can entertain herself to a certain extent, takes herself off to the toilet, plays with friends in the park with supervision while I have a coffee, follows instructions, is generally a little bundle of joy and life is so much easier with her. So while my 13 month old is very much in the throws of screaming nappy changes, broken sleep, throwing food everywhere, I genuinely know it doesn’t last long and easier times are ahead and it really helps me enjoy the chaos!

It's okay to stop at one OP.

I have 2 and I find it much harder than looking after 1. Juggling my attention and not being able to focus on one to one time. I'm lucky that I don't have sole care of my dcs too often - DH is very present so is at home until he takes one to school, and is home shortly after they get home, and he's with us all weekends. So each child manages to get a lot of focused parent time, we take it in turns with each child. I wouldn't have had a second if DH worked away a lot or worked long hours, or spent time doing his own thing at weekends. My dcs are not particularly challenging but I find it more satisfying parenting when I can spend time with just one at a time.

You couldn’t pay me to have another baby 🤣. Love my DD more than life itself but I would never willingly live the last two years again to have another. One and done is absolutely fine for me!

I do think that very much depends on a lot of variables, including the age gap, nature of both children, how well they sleep / feed, how much help you have etc. I don’t think many people would say having a newborn added very little workload if they are juggling 2 under 2 full time on little sleep

I must be very odd then because "2 under 2 full time on little sleep" (solo & skint with no help whatsoever) is exactly the situation I was in with the first two, and I didn't find it a big step at all. Hence my post. But I was in my twenties. That is a massive help with sleep deprivation and energy levels.

I found 1-2 so much easier then 0-1, that was with a 2.5 year age gap. My age gap between 2-3 (17 months) has been much, much harder. The gap between DC1 and DC3 (just shy of 4 years) is a wonderful gap in my opinion. I regularly say to people 2 children with a 4 year age gap would be a breeze, but that's obviously with the benefit of hindsight (DC3 was a happy surprise).

I've just recently gone from 1-2 with a 5.5 yr age gap and to be honest im glad i did. So with dc1's busy school life, clubs and social life the 9 months of my pregnancy went so quickly whereas with my first pregnancy time just stood still. My newborn is now 7 weeks old and i have no idea where that time also went as im busy with dc1 as well and newborn is trying to fit in our routine whereas with the first dc i was trying to fit in his routine. Dc1 being at school means that i get the one on one time with dc2 and i get to have my cheeky nap if I've had a rough night.

Logistically, dc1 sometimes would request to use his pushchair if we have had a busy day doing all sorts so i solved that by buying a wheeled board on our main pushchair and also reusing the same maxi cosi car seat. I've dug out all of dc1's baby clothes and gadgets and using it despite both being different sex but who cares.

Both baby and dc1 get attention for instance if im changing nappy, DH would to bath time with dc1 and if im reading a story or doing home with dc1, DH would look after baby. If DH isn't around, i take baby with me or put her in the sling.

Self care, well I still find time to do some make up and use my Dyson for my hair and home life i have a cleaner that comes in and me or DH cooks. One thing that i felt maybe because I'm new to managing a second child despite newborns being so brutal but how easy and portable they are. I'm currently dreading when dc2 starts crawling and walking through but as pp pointed out, now i know each stage doesn't last that long. Also there was a moment when dc2 was a few days old and and dc1 was acting up refusing to go to bed I just felt like giving his head a wobble and saying to myself i would do anything to be in his position awaiting my fate for another sleepless night 😅 honestly i was so jealous of dc1 and wished i could just sleep but I've adapted fairly quickly. I guess being sleep deprived is a bit like muscle memory and you just adjust fairly quickly. But overall second time around, you know what to expect, you are more experienced and more relaxed.

Nope, I could not disagree more with this, and I never understand when people say 0-1 is harder on threads like this. You are more than doubling your workload with 2 as not only have you got to manage 2 children together, you also have to deal with the requirements and responsibilities to parent them both separately as individuals. It's an awful lot to juggle. I have a 28 month gap and the first was not in nursery when number 2 was born, so I had 2 children to care for 24/7 - it was fucking carnage. I find often when people say going from 1-2 was easier they mean that child number one is in nursery full time (or even part time), so the amount of time parenting 2 together is actually much reduced, so individual circumstances matter when people comment, as does the nature of both children, and the sleep situation as a PP said.

That being said, it's all kind of irrelevant as having 2 children has made me the happiest I have ever been (whilst also nearly killing me). My youngest is coming up to a year now, and without doubt it's been the hardest 12 months of my life, but I wouldn't change anything - it's a wonderful age gap and seeing the pair of them build their own relationship, independent of me as their mum, is just magical. They're a proper little team and being privileged enough to watch that grow is incredibly special.

OP, you'll get lots of opinions here, and some will have found the change harder than others, but none of that really matters. What matters is what your gut/heart says. It's ok to be one and done, just as it's ok to be terrified of the prospect of a second but do it anyway because the urge to have another is stronger. I knew if I didn't try for a second I would regret it, but I went into it with my eyes open and the reality is proving as hard but as delightful as I imagined/hoped it would

I mean this kindly and with admiration, but yes, I do think that makes you quite 'odd'. 2 under 2 full time with no support is fucking incredibly hard and the majority of people would struggle massively with it. I know I did/have (although my gap is just slightly larger). That's not to say you don't just get through and survive, even thrive, but to act like it isn't hard is where I think we disagree. I'm seriously impressed at your resilience though!!!

I really can't decide either, I have a 16 month old
I didn't find going from 0-1 a huge shock, past the initial few days when she wanted to cluster feed all night long I was a bit like how can it be possible she's hungry again. But then I enjoyed the breastfeeding and watching box sets, contact naps, all the firsts
Then I feel bad if she'll miss out on siblings but I don't understand when people say going to 0-1 is harder then 1-2, as how can I breastfeed for hours/contact nap while dc1 is around and needs care? I did lots of sling and pram walks too but my first would wake with noise or stopping movement, ie if I took her to the park and had a second to try and keep asleep
She started sleeping through from 8 months but not consistently and bedtime takes me a long time still to get her down, what if the newborn needs bf'ing etc? I just can't get my head round it yet, and wanting to be entirely present for them both, so obviously we're not ready to even consider no 2

Well 0-1 was a horrible shock but I'm now heavily pregnant with a 22 month old who is very low sleep needs and an incapacitated husband and it's currently fucking awful (and I have part time childcare in the week). So choose your timing better than I did!

Personally, I found 0-1 a million times harder than 1-2.

But:

• number 1 had silent reflux, couldn't lie down and hardly slept. Number 2 was a pretty standard baby which felt like a dream. I think if I'd had them the other way round, the shock of a difficult baby second time round would have been horrific.
• we were able to leave number 1 in nursery FT so I didn't have to juggle their competing demands on my own all day every day
• I found the adjustment to parenthood and the complete change to every aspect of my life vest difficult the first time round, but was through that the second time around
• number 2 was born summer 2020 so DH was ft WFH in a flexible job and so was able to keep an ear out for the baby while I showered etc, so I had more adult company and support.

The hardest times for me have been the first six months with our first, and then when they were 3 and 1 (some of that was covid related).

They're 6 and 4 now and it's great, they're something approaching actual humans and much as they bicker, they also play together.

My parents had their second when I was 4.5 - no way on earth could I have gone back to the baby and toddler stages then my first was that age.

Not sure how having an extra kid can be easier than 1.

@bakerted how did things pan out for you?? I'm facing the same dilemma. I always wanted two but cannot fathom going through gruelling losses, pregnancy, birth, baby, toddler stage again.. not sure id survive it, but I'm so conflicted (my DH is 19 months, I'm 36 with a history of fertility issues)