First time mum grieving old life

[TMC83]

Hi there,

I am a first time mum to a 7 week old. I’m currently struggling with anxiety and panic, grieving my old life and freedom and really craving to have it back. Oddly life feels over for me now I have a baby. I was so used to doing whatever I wanted to do, come home from work, go out when I wanted, eat when I wanted, sleep when I wanted and it’s so hard giving that up. I cry most days about this and start to feel trapped and claustrophobic which makes me feel panicky. I don’t get much sleep because my baby not sleeping through yet and gets quite unsettled in the evenings. Does this pass and will I eventually feel better? I need some reassurance that this isn’t forever.

It will pass. Be gentle with yourself! You’re doing amazing :)

It will get easier. A bomb has just gone off in your life. You may love that bomb more than anything in the world, but everything has changed.

You'll slowly get aspects of the old you back, and you'll slowly adjust too. Be kind to yourself, and don't be shy about speaking to the GP if you need to.

I had this too. Loved the bones of him but good god I missed my old life.

It does pass. Mine is 2.5 now and I wouldn’t be without him for anything in the world. He still doesn’t sleep through but it gets easier, and it’s so rewarding.

Keep going. You’ve got this ❤️

I would also wake up feeling like this, but it does get better and you adjust to your new life. My little one is 9 months now and I just remind myself that it won't be forever and I will get some me time again to do what I want.

They do grow up very quickly so try to enjoy it as much as you can. I'm starting to love this age as she has become so much more interactive and talkative and we can do more.

It will pass, every stage in life does, nothing is the same forever. You’re at the hard work stage, for the next five years it will get harder, even more so if you have more children, but you will somehow adapt and it will become your new normal. When the youngest child is around 9, you slowly go back to having a life again, but as your older and back In work, you are more wiser and have more money as they start to get more independent. Ride the tide, tomorrow isn’t promised to anyone.

I can relate and it does pass. I had twins the second time around and it did not change my life as much as my first child did.

The first 6 weeks is the hardest imo, you get nothing back in terms of smiles, giggles and interaction. This is all about to change.

It will get better x

Sending you a hug . It's such a tricky time having a newborn and it honestly feels like your whole life has been blown apart, even when they're very much wanted and loved.

When I first had my DD, I felt exactly this, and the feeling of claustrophobia you describe is how I felt - suffocating and crippling. I even posted on here about my home not feeling like mine anymore - I couldn't relax in my own house and didn't know what to do with myself. I remember someone replying on the post as my "peace being disturbed" and that's exactly what it was.

My DD is nearly 2 now and my goodness how different things are! My peace has definitely been restored (in its own, new way), and I am enjoying my new normal. Of course I miss my old life sometimes, especially the resting whenever you like, but I certainly don't think about it in the way I did when she was a newborn. Every few months things got better, and when they start getting into a bit of a routine, it helped me feel more at ease.

What I found really helpful was having a bit of a "night off" every week. My DH would take DD on a Friday Eve all night from about 7pm, so I'd go and take a really hot shower and have a full nights sleep (minus being brought the baby to feed) and a lie in! It gave me something to look forward to and made me feel a bit more human in those early weeks.
Be kind to yourself and know it does get better and gets easier. I think it's so normal to feel how you're feeling to begin with, and please chat to a trusted friend/family member as I think that helps too!

Oh gosh OP, it is so not just you!

Even when you manage to take some 'you' time like a PP suggests (which you should!), you can never really relax because you're worrying about baby.

For light at the end of the tunnel, mine is 3.5 now and it is /much/ easier. DH and I get a reasonable amount of time to ourselves (albeit separately mostly) and feel like real people again, with jobs and hobbies and other things to talk about. I can't tell you exactly when it changed, and there are still days I envy my child free friends, but I'm sure it will get easier still.

It's fucking hard and you don't have to pretend it isn't or 'enjoy it while it lasts'!

You're doing amazingly - just keep going.

Oh goodness yeah I really felt it for something like 3 years. It does get better, it will pass with time. But at the time I had such regret over having a child, I don’t feel that way anymore.

Yes, it will pass. And then one day, they'll be talking about moving out and you will be devastated, with no idea how to fill your free time, feeling like a boat without an anchor!

Just keep going, day by day. Getting very little sleep makes everything feel much worse. But this phase will pass too. Virtual hand-hold from me to you.

This is normal, and as baby gets older you'll slowly learn how to reintroduce all things you used to do back in. I wish someone had told me how quick babies grow and aren't babies anymore!

It does get better, I promise. When mine was a little older and sleeping more reliably I used to go out for a walk or bike ride every evening, which really helped.

To be honest I still feel trapped and claustrophobic sometimes and mine is 5... but it's a lot better than it was, and gets easier every year. Going back to work was a big shift and a huge relief to feel like myself again for a few hours.

It will pass ❤️ I definitely had feelings of wtf this is so bloody hard and it was definitely the lack of sleep that made it all 100 times worse. You’re doing amazing, seek out support where you can. Don’t feel bad for having a lie down when you can or some time out. Easier said than done I know. Big hugs x

You will get you back. I remember feeling like this when I had my twins. I cried the day I went in for the c-s, almost feeling like my life is over. Your baby is little now but when you feel ready and confident get a sling and plan a day trip, or even just something like get on a train and go and visit someone or something that feels like a little adventure. What sort of things do you like to do? Don't be hard on yourself though. It is a huge adjustment and it's OK to mourn the person you were before. That person is still there but now you have your little sidekick to share it all with too

I felt exactly this with my first, especially around the 6-8 week point so where you are now. It was the run up to Christmas for me as well, and I think that made it worse, being a time of year I was used to socialising, drinking etc and I just felt my life was over.
It feels brutal in the moment but it absolutely passes. My 2nd is now 5 weeks and I haven't had these feelings at all, life is different now but I wouldn't change it for the world.

Awww I totally understand these feelings! My children are 7 and 3 now but when my oldest was a newborn I really did panic and think omg why the hell did I have a baby, this is awful 😭 my husband felt the same way. Fast forward 7 years and I don't really feel that way although id be lying if I didn't sometimes fantasise about what it would be like to have no children 😂 I dream about what it would be like to have the weekend stretched in front of me with nothing in particular to do but as they get older it's absolutely getting easier and I have way more time to myself - just not as much as id like 😂 x

Gosh thank you so much everyone for the messages. Made me very tearful reading then and know I’m not alone and it will get better/easier. It’s just having to bare the feelings at the moment. Yes, these feelings along with sleepless nights make it worse. I have been doing things and going out, seeing friends, family etc as well as talking about my feelings to my partner and family. Going out is good but it is exhausting. I have anxiety taking her out in public incase she cries and then feeling confident enough to soothe her which might involve breastfeeding in public. I feel very exposed and vulnerable totally out of my comfort zone worried people are looking and judging. I know babies cry so it’s just a matter of getting used to it and trying to switch myself off from worrying about what others are thinking. So many challenges to navigate!

It will pass, I felt just like this after having my first - I thought my life was completely ruined! It gets easier and you get time for you back. Children and even toddlers allow you time to go out, have an evening to yourself or persue a hobby. You can take them on holiday and to your favourite place etc. These difficult first weeks will feel long but then it'll fly by!

Regarding going out people love small babiesand don't mind their crying as much as you do. In two years of breastfeeding in public I had no issues. With my first latching was difficult so I sometimes faced the wall or had a muslin ready to cover my nipple if latching took a few goes