My family V My In Laws

[duckduckmallard]

First time Mum. In laws comparing how much time I spend with my family V them. It's caused a lot of friction. It was none of their business how much time I spent with my family before I had the baby, and it's none of their business now. Isn't comparison the thief of joy? Why can't they just enjoy the time they do spend with my son, which is usually 2-3 times a month.

Has anyone experienced this and have any advice?

Everyone experiences this!

The only option is to say to your DH, ‘I’m really upset when X says they don’t see the baby enough’
or maybe go with ‘Yes ‘Darren’ should make more of an effort for you, you have his number?’

Ignore ignore ignore

deep breaths and wine

dont let them get into your head

What, exactly, are they saying? Are they saying it to you or your husband?

Isn't comparison the thief of joy?

If you can put this you are well on the way to coping. Good luck.

If they all live locally to you or all live away then I can understand their point of view!
Your in-laws are your DCs DGPs as much as your Dparents.
I'm assuming you're not fond of your in-laws?
All my DGCs live at least 4 hours from me but my DDiLs both make a point of video calling so I see my DGCs regularly even if we're unable to visit regularly.
You can always send your DH to visit them with your DC.

How often do you see your parents in comparison then? And why isnt your DH arranging more visits then? Not that I think he needs to

We quite consciously try to make it fairly balanced. My parents are half an hour a way and my in laws are 5h away. My parents see her once or twice a week for a couple of hours. My in laws see her every 4-6 weeks but for 3-7 days at a time.
Last year we did a holiday with both families separately. This year we have only managed to book a holiday with the in laws but we have more days out planned with my parents

Most months* *if we added up the hours it would be close. My mum gets a bit jealous that my in-laws see her for longer periods and has to be reminded about the frequency she sees us. Balance is key!

Two or three times a month is plenty not to miss out.

They are failing to appreciate that you and your mum share a primary relationship so she’s not “seeing the baby” x times more than them, she’s seeing her daughter, who’s at home on maternity leave and who is recovering from birth and managing a baby. If you hadn’t had a baby but were at home for months after orthopaedic surgery my guess is you’d be seeing a lot of your mum. If your DH had a long period at home would your mother and father insist on visiting equally to his parents? I don’t know if your husband is taking any shared parental leave but assuming he did and was at home with the baby while you worked for 3 months, would anyone really be suggesting your parents should hang out with him and the baby as much as his own? - As long as your parents saw baby every week or two in any event?

They have got baby rabies but someone, ideally your husband, should reassure them and point out the irrationality of their jealousy. Assuming you are not bezzy mates with your Mil and even if you get on well, when she visits it’s to see the baby and you are hosting to a degree. If you are close to your mum it’s entirely different. You are also likely to feel more able to say to your mum that you’re not up for visiting today as planned or that you don’t agree with her about x,y,z to do with the baby without causing huge offence and threatening the relationship. Even when we like them, we are normally more polite and careful with in-laws because they don’t have to love us and you don’t share a history of surviving the adolescent years of you slamming doors and telling them they’re horrible and stupid because they don’t get [insert wanky emo music/film here] and wont let you stay out overnight at unknown parties like ALL your 14 year old mates mums definitely do.

Your baby is still young and your in-laws resent the fact you are the gatekeeper to their grandchild but that’s just biology and they do see the baby very regularly. Grandparent relationships come into their own after infancy and that coincides with babies’ dependence on their mothers decreasing a little in favour of exploration. Your baby will have no recollection of these early months. I saw my grandma maybe 3 times a year for a week at a time. She always felt like my grandma and it was exciting when we were going to see her. My own daughter saw my mum about 6 times a year and she loved her beyond all reason. I think she’d have moved in with her like a shot 😂 She saw my husband’s parents once a fortnight and while she loved them, it was nothing like her relationship with my mum who just happened to have a gift with all tiny children. She was magical.

The frequency with which either set of grandparents sees a young baby is no indicator of the quality and joy of their future relationship. They need to stop pushing because you’ll develop an aversion that isn’t helpful.

How do they know how much time you spend with your family vs them? I don’t see why you would tell them.

I can easily go months without seeing or speaking with MIL and she lives locally. My DH hardly ever sees my parents and they live within walking distance. We never have big family get togethers or go on holiday together.

Just see whoever you want whenever you want and ignore nonsense family politics.