Am I a bad mum?

[Joyjazz]

We live round the corner from MIL. Since DH has gone back to work, MIL has been round to see me and new baby everyday. Baby is 6 weeks. She’s been helpful with washing, cooking, cleaning and taking the baby out for short walks. The baby is colicky and today after hours of endless crying, I got upset and said ‘I can’t take anymore’ and was slow to respond to the baby. MIL got angry and said ‘what kind of a mother are you? How dare you ignore my grandchild’. I feel horrible and like a terrible mother. I’m upset with MIL and want to tell her to back off but at same time I want her help not her unhelpful comments. Am I a bad mum? What can I do?

She needs to rein her bloody neck in.
Colicky babies are like a bloody torture method. It’ll get better.

You are not a bad mum.

Colicky babies would drive anyone round the bend.

She can fuck off. Does she need to be round as much?

You’re not a bad mum, and I would limit her visits to once a week at best (and that would be being generous).

You are NOT a bad mother. You’re a lovely mother hence you asking the question in the first place.

Ignore that stupid woman. You still have pregnancy hormones and sometimes it does get too much.

Youre doing your best. If no one has told you today you’re doing so well. If you need to talk feel free to message me.

♥️

No bad mother has ever wondered if they’re a bad mother, so the fact you’re worried about that means you’re a good mum. If it didn’t get to you sometimes, then you aren’t paying enough attention to your child. It’s hard and it’s amazing to admit you need a minute. It’ll get easier. There isn’t anything you need to do.

Your MIL is way out of line. Giving the benefit of the doubt, if she’s usually quite decent, the crying probably got to her too. She takes baby out for a walk so would have been equally as capable as you to responding to baby’s cries quicker. It might be a reflection of her own insecurity about why she also needs a break. If, however, she makes jibes like that a lot, just take a break. The house doesn’t need to be clean, it’s just survival at the minute but it’ll get easier.

She was way out of order. 'Ignore my grandchild ' , wtf. She thinks it's about her - as if she's more important than you. Your baby is primarily your child , not her grandchild.

If she isn't on your team and emotionally (not just practically) supportive, I wouldn't have her around so often. You need to put yourself and your baby first once you're a mother, not family members' feelings.

You’re not a bad mum, we all reach those moments and I remember doing the same and my mil sending me back to bed and having the baby for me for a few hours; that’s what is needed, not judgement

these replies are so kind I’m crying. Still feel awful like I’ve let my baby down. It’s just so hard when nothing I do seems to comfort her and MIL suggesting that my best isn’t good enough is horrible

Oh dear.

Deep breath. You are not a bad mum. I used to fantasise about out of the door and far away and never coming back when mine has colic and cried for hours. All you did was say out loud what many people have thought.

You need to let her comment roll right off you (easier said than done), don't take it as gospel truth whatever you do!

Really, it would have been much kinder if she'd said 'we've all had moments like that, I'm sure you don't mean it'... Taken baby and ordered you to go for a breath of fresh air or something and come back when you've got yourself together.

If her help comes at the price of your self esteem and she thinks she's earned the right to make unhelpful remarks then you need to create some fresh boundaries, or you well be needing some plate armour for your morale.

Chat to your DH, and then together make a big fuss of her, thank her for all her care - a huge thank you present if you can afford (massive bouquet of flowers or similar), praise her for laying groundwork for excellent bond with new GC and then tell her you're stronger after the birth now and it's time to stand on your own two feet a bit more while she gets all the fun bits of GC to spoil blah blah. Tell her what kind of visit pattern will be ok from this point and draw a line under it.

P.s you might miss the help and the house kept clean and tidy more easily, but you won't miss the judgemental eyes watching your every move.

Embrace the lower housekeeping standards or sell your soul. 😁

Your best will always be enough.
I'd be telling the MIL not to come around for a few days. You don't need the judgement. It'll do you both good to get a little distance.
After a little break, invite her back only if you want to and on your terms, and definitely not when you're struggling as she has shown that that she can't be emotionally supportive. As a new mum you need emotional support just as much as practical help, and you are more vulnerable so you need to protect yourself.

And that's the last MIL would be in my house.

I can tell you now that DH would go through his mum for a shortcut if she ever spoke to me that way (thankfully I'm very lucky and she would never).

Op I also had a colicky bub. It's soul destroying when you can do nothing to fix it. Ds would have cried from 8-11 every night without fail and dh and I had to just take it in turns for 30 min periods consoling him. What your mil needed to do in that moment was lift baby, make you a hot cuppa and send you up for a bath. She didn't handle that moment well and that's no reflection on you. Nothing prepares you for the intensity of becoming a mum.

She sounds awful! And like she needs to take a step back tbh.

What an awful thing to say. You're not in the wrong here. A colicky baby is the devil's work.

I hope your h can give you a break this evening or overnight do you can chill and catch up with sleep.

I hope MIL apologised too. What has dh said?

Once my bil walked into the room where I was soothing crying colicky baby, I was tenderly stroking his back and singing a lullaby and gently gently relaxing his little body while he cried heartily down my ear... He stopped and looked all softly at me and said something like 'ahhhh, what a lovely sight, you look so sweet and your making me want to go to sleep (teehee)' ...

Little did he realise at that moment I had a vivid fantasy running in my head which I won't describe but involved about as opposite a scene as you can begin to imagine... This was an entirely stress induced mental pressure release valve... I would never have acted on the images in my mind, but I'm telling you now because it is shocking where the sheer stress of trying to care for a relentlessly crying baby can take you.

The longest my colicky baby cried without stopping was 8 hours!! And I am the colicky baby master, it was a bad day, I tried everything. So I just feel empathy when I hear you express your exhaustion with the task. I felt it a lot. But you pull yourself together and keep going and how much respite you get depends on your circumstances.

I personally don't think it's natural to expect someone to care 24/7 for a baby with no complaint or relief.
In most areas of human society never would one single adult provide all the emotional and physical care for a baby. You'd have another to turn to, hand over to, or a wise one who would just take it off you and you could trust.

My baby didn't have colic and was pretty chill. There were still moments/days when I just couldn't deal with the crying and would take a few minutes to compose myself before attending to them. It's fine as long as baby is in a safe space. Also sometimes good to take a few minutes in case baby is just learning to self settle. I'd be telling partner to talk to MIL, very weird she called baby her grandchild and not your baby - shows she's the weird one!

You most definitely are not a bad mum! MIL needs to have some empathy and remember back to when she was a new mum, it's extremely tough even when babies nap let alone one with colic!

Please don't ever think you're a bad mum because of this. You recognised the situation was stressful and took a moment which is exactly what they tell us to do.

You're doing amazing and it gets easier

I’m in the thick of it too right now with my second reflux baby (or colic as medical professionals keep saying to me!). I can promise you I’ve thought way worse and regularly want to run away. I’m still a great mum. You are doing the best you can, it’s brutal and relentless. I often have to remind myself as well that my best isn’t the same as the next persons best and my best is good enough. I’d try going without MILs help for a few days. You might find your own groove and not have the fear of judgment. Or is there anyone else that could pop over for an hour while you get a nap or shower etc ?

Things that help me - putting baby in a wrap/ carrier so I can move freely around, getting out for a walk, all of the chocolate I can find in a 5 mile radius.

People told me with my first it gets easier and I used to hate that. I’m now doing it again and I know this time that it will get easier, doesn’t make it any better in the meantime though. But eventually it will and you’ll look back on this through rose tinted glasses (that’s how I’ve ended up with a second…).

lastly colic is just undiagnosed crying. Look up silent reflux and see if it could be that at all, if so speak to a doctor. You don’t have to accept that some babies just cry and grow out of it. In fact I told a doctor just this week I don’t accept the word colic (losing my mind!).

sending love and best wishes xx

You were slow to respond to the baby? What does that even mean? If the baby is going to cry unconsolably whatever you do, then what does it matter that you don't jump up the minute the crying starts? So, even disregarding the rudeness and judgement, it was just silly and pointless of her to say that anyway.

I don't know if there is a cultural thing at play here but your MIL coming round every day seems a bit of an imposition. It could also be harming your confidence at parenting. As if the very fact that she's there suggests to your subconscious (and maybe her actual conscious brain) that you can't manage without her. At the very least, when she IS there she should have more empathy and be making you a cup of tea and giving you a kindly rub on the shoulder when you say something like "I can't cope anymore". She should be conversing with you to find out if you ACTUALLY can't cope anymore, in which case she could support you with speaking to the health visitor in case you have PND, or if you just FEEL at that moment that you can't cope. In which case you need some reassurance that you CAN cope and some strategies to help you get through the hard moments.

Colic is awful. It nearly broke me with DS2. And his bad mood seemed to drag on and on till he was at least 3! I told myself that as long as I could go through the motions of caring for him when he was screaming even though inside I was thinking "I'm hating this, he's ruining our lives and poor DS1 is just getting no attention" then that was good enough parenting. As long as my mind could find something else to focus on while he was crying and I was rocking him it wasn't too bad, rather than focusing on the crying and if it sounded like it was lessening yet. I also did have to remind myself that he wasn't doing it on purpose and he actually WAS in pain and got comfort out of me rocking him, even if it didn't seem that he did.

Have you tried putting on headphones when the screaming is at its worst (with some nice music on). Or music on a speaker to see if that distracts the baby from his/her own crying?

The number one thing is ditching the daily MIL visits, though. You don't need that kind of "support".