DH behaviour this time round (pregnancy)

[Todaysthedayhey]

Sorry I don’t know if this belongs in pregnancy or parenting or where! So I’ve posted again for traffic I suppose.

I have a history of losses, one lovely little toddler and I’m 3 months pregnant.
My DH, who is usually a wonderful guy but a bit selfish from time to time (in his genes lol) and careless has been so different this pregnancy.

last pregnancy with my toddler he was amazing, couldn’t do enough for me! I feel like he has just checked out, can’t be bothered this time round. I’m not asking to be waited upon hand and foot but simple things like understanding how exhausted I am, not putting me in situations where I’m having to deal with in-laws (we have a strained relationship), massages (if I’m in pain/achey) - it’s all just too much for him. Last time he couldn’t do enough!! I wouldn’t let him do everything - but it was the fact he was so willing and attentive.

we got pregnant this time because he really wanted another, I wasn’t so fussed. Happy with one, given our history too it was a blessing to have our child successfully. So for me, I feel like he’s getting what he wants (don’t get me wrong I want this baby too! But I was fine with just one too) and now I’m less important/of a concern to him - I don’t know how to explain it.

i have addressed it with him. He never really responds.

are men just like this?
im honestly so fed up. We have argued so much this pregnancy, if im feeling rough (first trimester has been hell!) he doesn’t have anything to say except “you’ll be ok” “you’ll get over it” and then still expects me to do my usual stuff.
Napping with my toddler is such an irritant to him. He thinks I’m wasting my time… hello I’m growing another human here.

he does spend time with our little one but naturally he is a mamas boy - i leave them to have time together etc. but i do tend to bear the load. Hes a great dad, no denial there at all.

i went through a very traumatic birth experience too, he was equally traumatised, I thought he would’ve been a little more considerate here following what I’d been through - and I finally agreed to go through it all again!!

Not sure what I’m asking here - maybe is this men? Or am I expecting too much? How can I fix it?

My DH was a bit crap with my 2nd pregnancy. The first ending in a loss, so I think part of it was him protecting himself. It wasn’t until I reached the 2nd trimester and he saw our little gremlin being bonkers on the scan and started feeling kicks, he became emotionally invested and involved. It’s not as real for them as it is for us in the early stages. We have that instant bond and we can’t exactly mentally distance ourselves from it. It’s our lived daily experience.

My DH has been similar this pregnancy. He is pulling his weight more around the house etc. and trying to spend more time with our toddler, who is so clingy to me so it has been exhausting.

But similar to you he is so dismissive of my anxieties (also a history of loss and infertility, and a traumatic pregnancy and birth), which I feel really difficult to deal with. Also dismissive if I have needed to lie down for 30 mins or if I'm feeling sick and take longer to do things. It feels very lonely this time round. I don't know about you but even my mum is less interested and supportive to me this second pregnancy, I guess it's less exciting for everyone!

Again, similar to you I was less keen on no2 due to our history so I can completely empathise with feeling a bit put out! If he was carrying this baby it would be a different story!