I struggle to find pleasure in my children. There’s a lot of societal pressure to enjoy them because they won’t be little forever, but it often feels overwhelming instead. I spent years in an abusive relationship, and now I’m frequently in fight-or-flight mode, expending increasingly diminishing energy to manage conflict and expectations among emotionally unstable, implusive, people. It often feels too familiar, and not in a good way.
Even when they’re delightful, lingering bad feelings from earlier negative behaviour taint my enjoyment. For instance, they’re currently outside playing an elaborate make-believe game about pirates. It looks idyllic, but I’m inside trying to regulate my emotions after a morning of squabbling, accidents, and ingratitude. I feel drained, and once poor behaviour starts on any given day it takes me a long time to feel content again. I find it hard not to be always on edge waiting for the next issue.
Others say my children are polite, imaginative, engaging, and wonderful (plus spirited and energetic!). I rarely hear a bad word about them from school, the childminder, grandparents etc, but at home (more specifically for me) it’s often different. I feel like I need to improve my resilience to relax and enjoy the good moments (like now, the pirates have started fishing together and even in my foul mood I can see it's adorable). But with the constant need to swiftly adapt to a forever changing emotional environment, how do people manage it?