I feel like I’m a bad parent, how can I be better?

[Zombieof3]

Hi all,
I have three kids ages 6, 8 and 12. My youngest is ASD and my 12 year old girl is now going through the SEN process to see if she is also asd. I’m not really sure if this is relevant here because it’s not them who’s the issue, it’s me.

I work 9-5 Monday to Friday with an hour travel each way. I don’t get home until 6.30 after collecting the kids from the childminder. I feel like I’m always behind on everything, I’m always the one who forgets to pay school fees for whatever outlandish trip they’re going to, I’m always forgetting appointments, house is constantly in a mess. A parent look at me in horror when I admitted that I don’t iron anything, I felt like I had committed the worst offence. I’m tired all the time, I’m snapping at the kids and it’s not fair. My partner picks up the slack and tries to do as much as possible but he is a chef and works long hours.

we’re in so much debt that neither of us can take time off work. I feel like I’m letting everyone down. I’m snappy, kids are bored and don’t get to do things like holidays because we’re skint, I don’t iron, I don’t bath them everyday, I don’t keep up on laundry. I miss parents evenings because of work and forgetting. I need a schedule but I don’t even know where to begin. Anyone any advice or feel the same?

Could you have ADHD?

I don’t think so, I never have any energy at all. I just don’t know how people work full time, get their stuff organised and manage life tbh. I feel so useless

I'm not surprised you a frazzled OP, you have an awful lot on your plate. I'm sure you'll get lots of good advice and support, but can I just say DO NOT IRON ANYTHING!! I have three teenage children and have never, ever ironed their uniform (or anything else, for that matter). The world hasn't ended! Personally I think ironing is madness!!

For appointments, could you try using an online cadender like Google and making it a habit to put things in there straight away before you forget? You can even set it up so that every morning it reminds you what appointments you have that day every morning. Might that be helpful?

You have a lot on plus you possibly have issues with executive function? Common in people who are ND so might run in your family what with two ND kids.

Forget bathing them all every day, i know it's a MN thing but the cost of water and heating for 5 of you will be through the roof and it's just not necessary. The kids with ASD probably don't like it much either (if they're like mine).

If people don't realise you don't iron anything until you tell them then what does it matter? Don't tell them and they'll never know! Get the kids to wear clothes that are not next to their skin two or three days if they don't get messy to cut down on washing and tumble drying which also costs a lot.

Write everything down somewhere that you check every day. A diary, post its on the fridge, your phone - just somewhere. And write it down straight away or you'll end up forgetting to write it down!

Can the kids help a bit with jobs around the house? Have a chore list for a little bit of pocket money or something. Can you play some games with the kids? Card games, board games, jigsaw puzzles, watch a film with some pop corn etc often just they just want someone to do something with them doesn't have to be anything particularly major.

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Could you or your dh talk to your employers and get reduced hours, compressed hours or wfh? I know that’s not easy as a chef for your dh and also you need to earn as much as you can but maybe some arrangement could be sorted out during very slack times of the year?

We are employers and I would want to know if one of my employees felt like you do op. I would try and let them off early one or two afternoons a week minimum or give them a later start or staggered starts or one or two days working from home. As long as the work was done ok I wouldn’t care how!

Alternatively, are you sure you are getting the benefits that you are entitled to as parent of a child with ASD? You could ask on the SN board maybe?

You are not a bad parent op you just have too much on and it sounds like your standards are quite high too. Don’t compare yourself to anyone else. Good enough is fine.

You have three kids, two with special needs, and you work full time. That’s always going to be hard and feel like you’re playing catch up. So try to be kind to yourself. I have three kids and work less than you but feel similar. For me it’s all about systems. Putting a laundry load together every evening ready to set off in the morning. We have a bag that everything I come across during the day that belongs upstairs goes into and gets sorted while kids are getting ready for bed. The kids have a box each on the landing, all their clean laundry goes in there for them to put away, and anything I come across that belongs in their rooms that they can put away. And every single thing goes on my list or it doesn’t get done. The amount of admin three kids generate is huge. They may sound smallish things but they help me feel calmer in the chaos that is three kids. I also never iron except for Hama bead creations on rare occasions.

Are you really sure the other parents were horrified you don’t iron? I do, and have heard (and read on MN) a lot more people say they think ironing is pointless and stupid than I ever have people telling me they iron too. And I honestly couldn’t care less whether or not other people iron. I ask because when I’m feeling low I put thoughts and motives into other people’s heads without any evidence - and I wonder if you do this too?

Your life sounds very busy and stressful and it sounds like you’re making a good enough job of parenting in the circumstances, which is all any of us can do.

You might feel less frazzled and be a little more organised if you carved out a little bit of time for yourself. Headspace is so important and it’s very easy not to have any when you have children and a full time job, especially when there is ND in the mix. Please try to find something.

Also - your DH might work long hours but he still needs to pull his weight with the mental load. Does he?

It runs in families so very possible! I found out I had ADHD through exploring it for my daughter!

Even if you don't go through with a diagnosis, researching it and using common coping skills for people with adhd could be a huge help!

Also, give yourselves as much grace as possible... the kids won't remember if their clothes were ironed, if there's anything you can skimp on to spend time with the kids then do.

Also. Have you looked into debt relief charities? Step change were insanely helpful for us, they spoke to all of the lenders on our behalf and gave us a very manageable monthly payment instead. It has played havoc with our credit scores but the relief and space it gave us has been worth it a thousand times over

Also to add- it's a misconception that all people with adhd have a lot of energy. Girls especially can have the inattentive type, fatigue is one of the big symptoms

Hello OP
I get it - i don't have children with SEN but I do have 4 DC which means that I am constantly behind - I get that feeling of panic. I struggle with everything.
My strategies are somewhat infantile but work for me.
I have timers/alarms for everything - have done since they were small - one that goes off 10 mins before we have to leave for school and another one 5 mins before.
I have to get out of bed to turn my alarm off or i hit snooze I am utterly shite in the morning so make sure that I have everything for a school day ready the night before - even coffee ready to go.
On being snappy - - imagine you're being filmed like for super nanny - this gives me more patience when I need it.
Or when the patience runs out remind the kids that you're not cross with them but cross near them as usually this is the case - that you are annoyed about x y and z but that whatever they did was the straw that broke the camels back.

I don't iron either - but also have very few things that need ironing. I WFH so now wear a uniform of sweatshirt and jeans in winter and chuck on easy dry dresses for summer.
Non iron shirts for kids uniform
On the payment/school fees/dates things - I have a joint calendar on iPhone for EVERYTHIng with my DH - literally everything -I do repeat weekly for clubs etc - add in the location so it tells me when to leave. Then it's not just on me.

NB I didn't think I had ADHD either as I was exhausted and I haven't sought a formal diagnosis but i am 98% sure I do.
Be kind to yourself - you are already doing an amazing job.