Estranged family

[summertimessadness24]

My hubby (48hrs) and I been together 10 yrs
He's had issues with his family growing up in short - not being there for him as much as he was for them - after recent birth of our baby we just have pulled our circle tighter as they have been hard work to say the least!

Bit of background for the post -
He has a sister (35) and brother (39) and his mother can see no fault in them even when they are in the wrong ( stemmed from his childhood) but has heightened since our baby was born ( or we are just exhausted!)

We / he is too tired for their BS basically and has really backed off lately

No contact with brother or sister since July 2022 and his own mum didn't speak to him ( us) after baby was born for 6months because we went off and got married
We just had a hard time adjusting to life and I had a bad recovery after baby was born and felt very low

Since then we've stepped away from drama and we've been very happy

6 months later his mum ( reluctantly ) comes back in contact after guilt trip, nasty messages, threats to commit suicide, offering very little support to us,trying to involve him in his family dramas, so we said she can have a relationship with us and her granddaughter after she gets some therapy as she seemed unstable
She never did but it's been a year and it's been ok

She cannot accept he doesn't want contact with his brother / sister

However little by little she's now talking about brother and sister ALL the time
She is seeing our baby her granddaughter a couple of times a week now and they have built a lovely bond
And I do want her in our babies life and for her to know her grandmother growing up etc
But it's draining my husband where now she will be down in the dumps around me and making comments like ' he really needs to make an effort ' when she visits me

His sister and brothers birthdays are coming up and she's saying we need to make an effort / be a family / life's too short / saying very triggering things to him

But my husband wants no contact with his brother / sister
I think he's right and even if he wasn't I would support him anyway
But how do I deal with this situation?his mum says it's making her ill

Has anyone had anything similar?

Honestly feel like since our baby was born they've all changed and gone a bit nuts!we often joke is it us? My family have been fine!

Sorry for long post but don't want to drop feed

Would appreciate any advice thank you

What does your husband want? Whatever that is, you do that.

In this situation, personally, I wouldn’t want any of this drama around my child who didn’t ask for any of this and I wouldn’t want the negative impact on my child’s father. He can’t be the best parent he can be if he’s carrying around the weight of all this rubbish.

When you asked your MIL to get therapy, did she? What was the outcome?

I am NC with my mum (I don’t have any other biological family so it’s just her, other than my dc). She put my children at risk of harm and refused to get help for her issues. I asked her similarly to get some therapy and she said she wouldn’t even if it meant she never saw her grandchildren again. So we said, okay, that’s your choice. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I can’t tell you the positive difference it’s made in our lives. It’s like a weight has finally been lifted. Everything is so much happier and easier. My children gained nothing from having someone that manipulative and dysfunctional in their lives. My eldest who was 7 at the time does remember her and asks about her sometimes, but she understands in an age appropriate way that it’s not okay for her to be around. My youngest was 2 and has absolutely no idea she existed. Neither of them are missing out and it’s meant I’ve kept them safe from potential abuse.

Lots of children grow up without grandparents due to early death, distance, estrangement, etc. Kids don’t miss what they never knew, but they will absolutely remember the drama and dysfunction if you allow it into their lives.

Ultimately though, this is about your Dh and the decision he thinks is best and really he should be the one setting this boundary. Has he had any therapy himself?

Yeah I know it's about him and what he wants but where she does spend time with my lo it's me that she has the contact with arrangements etc

What he wants is the relationship as it is
But he doesn't want to hear constantly about the other family members

She shows pictures to them of our child and his sister who she speaks to daily sees pics and updates and we've not seen her in almost 2 years - it's strange

She point blank refused therapy
She said she doesn't need it
My husband had counselling and his counsellor said his mum and sister have a toxic unhealthy co dependency relationship and he just doesn't want to be part of it

Let's call his brother Joe
She says ' poor Joe ' he's finding things so hard bless him
And let's call his sister Joanne
Poor ioanne - she misses you so much etc

I'm not sure they do - I'm sure it's her trying to fix things and get everyone back together

She came for dinner the other night and spent the whole night talking about them
It's just hard to hear as it's her children I get that but my husband has just had enough

I'm not sure what to do to support him
I feel bad that I 'entertain' her
I wish she wouldn't talk to me about the others - but she doesn't understand and doesn't think they've done anything wrong!

They have - she will never ever see it