Husband has no patience with baby

[bestjobever]

Just this. We have a 3 month old baby. She is a happy little soul a lot of the time but like all babies, she has times when she is grizzly, angry, hungry and uncomfortable. Obviously as her mum I'm biased, but she really is the sweetest baby!

I just don't understand my dh. I'm at home with her all day and over the last 12 weeks I can count on one hand the number of times I've actually 'got annoyed' with her, and every time it's because I've been with her all day and running out of steam and it doesn't last long. It's normally ' Oh baby's name! seriously?!' Or 'yes I know, I know!' I then feel immediately really bad and manage to dig deep and keep going.

Dh has much lower tolerance and patience than me. For example, this evening whilst trying to give her a dummy (we think she is possibly teething) he was holding it in her mouth and trying to get her to latch, but she was not taking to him so after a min or two he snarled at her and threw the dummy across the room.

I know he has been at work all day so maybe he is just knackered etc: but surely, he can just dig deep for a couple of hours after work? I just think...I've been with her all day and she is three months old for crying out loud, she isn't doing it on purpose!

I didn't make a fuss but I just came and took her away for a bit, rocked and shushed and when she fell asleep took her up to bed.

so that's his contribution this evening as I will be with her overnight when he sleeps in the spare room.

Is this a man thing or am I being intolerant of the fact he's just had a long, hard day etc ? It's worth saying, his sleep is not as disturbed as mine, as generally I'm the one feeding at night.

Bloody hell.

This is not normal @bestjobever don’t minimise this. How on earth could you ever leave her with him?!

This has red flags all over it. You must tell someone in real life.

Did he know anything about babies before you had her? Is he massively inexperienced and not got a clue
what he's doing?!

Seems very odd behaviour and unrealistic - how's he going to cope with a toddler?!

It is NOT a man thing. My husband has never spoken with impatience towards our 10 month old. And nor should he. We are talking about an innocent baby. You need to tell him to get it together. No chances. It's not good enough. In fact it's disgusting.

My husband was fucking useless when my two were babies. Never changed a nappy, never got up in the night, never fed them once weaned, never played with them. Even he never got angry and snarled at them though. I'd be terrified of leaving my baby with this man if he has so little tolerance or control.

Agreed it’s absolutely not a “man thing”. My ex and I, like you, only rarely got frustrated and were able to step in for each other when that happened.

His behaviour tonight is very definitely a red flag. I’m pretty relaxed in general but I would definitely be discussing it with someone irl and keeping a close eye on him.

I would be addressing it

My husband never got angry with any of our babies. I would be worried how he will be with her as she gets older. I think you need to have a serious talk with him.

I'm going to be totally honest. My dh was fairly useless. He couldn't cope with night wakings. He struggled with prolonged crying. I did 85% of the baby stuff . But he never lost his temper .

You are talking about a grown man here. He needs to learn to not get overwhelmed, it's not fair on baby or you. What's it going to be like if you return to work? Will you have to do baby and work?

I honestly find that scary. Babies are so vulnerable.

No it's not a man thing. It s a bullying, aggressive, horrible him thing.

I hope next time he gets annoyed he doesn't throw her across the room.

Not normal or 'a man thing'. Dh has a stressful nhs job yet has always been brilliant with the kids from birth. Kind, gentle and patient. Needs addressing before your baby gets any older op

He NEEDS to spend more 1:1 time with baby to learn what is appropriate and how to care for her.

However, hell would freeze over before I allowed someone who snarled at a 12 week old baby to have any 1:1 time with them so the cycle would continue. An easy temper and a quick shake in frustration can easily lead to life changing injuries.

I'm not sure I fully know what snarling looks like in people. But no, this is absolutely not a man thing.

Nip this in the bud take the lead but don’t take over
do you think it’s lack of experience and frustration
I’d suggest he’s walks away gathers himself and comes back than snarl and throw dummy

Babies pick up on tension which will make them harder to settle

is he like this in general when in a challenging situation

Nothing about this is normal. I absolutely would not leave him alone with the baby unsupervised.

I would be worried that he might lose his temper again and hurt the baby, tbh. I would be thinking about leaving him, sorry

made me scared he could loose patience and shake her next time. Sorry you have to go through that

No it is not a man thing. It is not normal for a father to snarl and lose his temper at a tiny 3 month old baby. Especially over something trivial like her not taking a dummy.

Sorry OP but this is extremely worrying. He can't be trusted with her, and she isn't even at the difficult stage. How will he cope when she's a demanding and wilful toddler, the Terrible Twos?

His aggression and lack of patience with a small baby needs professional help now. Do you have a good health visitor you could talk to?

Me and my partner never lost our temper worth our baby - I think we surprised each other with just how patient we both were. But we are finding the toddler stage more challenging and it's easy to feel frustrated. So I would be very concerned if your husband is already not coping at this early stage. I would definitely mention this to HV who can hopefully get you as a family additional support.

This is not good OP and not normal. It is ok to say to the other parent that you are frustrated or exhausted but not ok to take it out on the baby - in any way. No decent person snarls at a baby or throws things around her (btw does he see the irony in him behaving like ... a baby)

You are going to have a serious conversation with him about this.

What is he like in the rest of his life? Is he quick to get angry generally? Does he snap at you if you do something he doesn't like? Do you find yourself tiptoeing around him so as not to anger him?

Do not leave this man alone with the baby for goodness sake !! Who snarls at a 3 month old baby ?! He threw the dummy this time, next time could be her.

Have you really just dismissed a bully of a father snarling at his tiny baby as 'a man thing'.
Honestly op, this is far far worse than you imply. I and my now ex husband would never ever have got angry at our babies. Not once. Frustrated yes, but then you put them down somewhere safe and go and breathe somewhere. I can't imagine the mindset, and I'm worried for you both. I don't think he should ever be around his daughter.

We had similar sleeping arrangements to you because I didn't see why both of us should be sleep deprived. My DH often said what a fussy grumpy baby we had in hind sight he was just really anxious and always trying to find a solution to the fact the babies cry. He was at work all day so came home stresses just in time for peak baby crying time.

We went away when baby was just over 3 months and he got to spend the mornings with baby and see what a happy sole baby is. It also helped that babies personally started to come out more after 3 months and with longer wake windows there was more DH could do with baby.

My baby is 6 months now and DH has just said how much he loves baby and they get on so well ( at 3 months I was worried he thought we had made a big mistake having baby)

Hopefully your DH can bond more with time. Trust your gut. It's hard being mum having to adapt but hard for dad's too in first 3 months. I wouldn't push unsupervised baby time but seeing if he can take a few days of work to be with you both and build his confidence?
Only you know if this out burst is normal for him or not?

@Pallisers He is the last person anyone would ever expect to lose his patience in this way but obviously I see it as I'm closest. He can be loving, engaging etc and she lights up when he talks to her.

He isn't constantly lashing out or anything but a couple of times I've been surprised how quickly he has 'given up' with her and she has come back to me. I do find myself trying not to rock the boat, because he is extremely grumpy at the moment. With hindsight, perhaps 'snarl' is overstating it, but I don't know how else to describe it?! He was far too quick to get exasperated and I stepped in.

I've been on the receiving end of his 'moodiness' which is a more accurate description than anger as there is no physical element to it. He gets easily triggered into being annoyed and going off in a sulk if I try to communicate with him about something I don't like or if 'things get on top of him' which they seem to a lot at the moment.

I do find myself trying to lighten the load as much as I can, suggesting he sleeps in the other room etc. I have never felt unsafe but I have felt that he lacks resilience/patience in things that are not a problem for me.