Explaining suicide to an autistic 13 yo

[WellThisIsFuckingShit]

Don't offer me sympathy or condolences, I can't take it just now. Practical advice only please.

I have to tell my autistic (but very verbal) 13 yr old that a close relative (only in v early 20s so not a huge age gap) has died by suicide. She's away until tomorrow morning so I have tonight to get my head round how to explain it to her. She's very literal and struggles to express emotions with words.

Any resources or anything that anyone can point me to?

OP this is a decent organisation x

Screenshot:

Thank you, I've just filled in a form requesting access to their support forum.

Do you actually need to tell them about the suicide part right off? If you say that they died will they actually ask what happened? If not, I would just say that something sad has happened - X has died. This means we won’t see them anymore, but we do have the memories of all the happy times we had with X. Don’t use any euphemistic language - don’t say “passed away” or “gone to heaven” or that you’ll see them again someday. It’s really important to be clear and direct with your use of words.

winstons wish has some really good resources. So sorry for your loss

Our family have been where you are, albeit without the added complexity of autism.

Look at the charity SOBS - they are there to support those bereaved by suicide and may have some helpful resources.

My advice would be to keep it factual and age appropriate - 13 is a tricky age. They understand so much but are still so young, and only you will know how much she will understand and what will cause more upset.
It's ok to say you don't know or you don't understand.
Losing a loved one to suicide is such a complex grief with many questions, uncertainties and emotions that are often not experienced with other losses. Take things slow and be kind to yourself too OP. These next days and weeks will be tough x

So sorry for your loss.
what is the mental age of the 13 year old?- that’s possibly as important as the autism. The answer you give to a 13 yo with a mental age of 5 is going to be hugely different to the answer that you give a 13 yo autistic child that has a mental age of 13.
do you have to tell them it was suicide? You could say they died suddenly and we don’t know why?
if you are set on honesty then I’d just say that some people are very sad and don’t enjoy life and don’t want to be alive anymore so they end their lies.
i had this scenario 3 years ago with my then 9&8 yos.(not nd). I was honest.

She will ask what happened if I don't tell her. I have to say something that will satisfy her need to know. My older DC think I should say that we don't know exactly what happened yet (sort of true, but we do know it was suicide) and wait a few days before giving further info to give myself time to process it myself.

Mental age pretty much in line with chronological age. Spiky profile but hyper verbal and v bright/inquisitive.

I have autistic dc including teenagers. I also wouldn't mention the suicide part if that's possible. Try and be as direct as you can, without euphemisms. She might be worried about things you wouldn't expect. My son was very upset that my dad's car was still in the drive after he had died. Other son was confused about why we just didn't get another Grandad from Currys like we did when the washing machine stopped working.

Ok then if you need to tell her about what happened, I would be factual about the science of depression, and say that something was wrong with the chemical balance of the person’s brain, and usually when this happens there are lots of things that can be done to balance it - talking about your feelings and therapy to try and rebalance things, or medications - but sadly this didn’t happen in time for X, and the problem with their brain meant that they harmed themself because their brain chemistry was confused and it made them do a very stupid thing. DO NOT SAY THAT THEY WERE FEELING SAD. You do not want to plant the seed that suicide is something you do or try if you feel sad or depressed.

I would keep it really factual and make sure to be open to any questions that she might have, it could ironically open a really important dialogue. I wouldn’t be surprised and would be equipped in case she asks quite explicit detailed questions about technically how the suicide occurred.

I suffered terrible post natal depression, to the point of being very unwell and I explained it to my other DC as being very ill in my brain, the same as you can be in any other body part. I too would avoid any reference to sadness, depression is something entirely different. It’s important she knows it’s okay to feel sad and that being ill is something different.

I think you do need to explain about the suicide or that their brain wasn't very well. If you say they died suddenly and you don't know why, that is likely to trigger unnecessary anxiety about her or other loved ones dying.

Thanks everyone

I think I'll just stick to facts without emotional overlay and say something along the lines of, "X had another manic episode [this is something that's happened before and DD knows a bit about what it means] that meant they didnt sleep for several nights, they then got very confused and couldn't make safe sensible decisions but didn't tell anybody what was going on so nobody was there to help them stay safe. They [did a very dangerous life threatening thing, not going into any details on MN but will tell the most basic facts to DD] which caused a lot of damage to their body, they were taken to hospital but it wasn't possible to fix that damage and they died as a result of it"

I have no idea if it's "the right" way to explain it but it's all factually true, and I think it's what DD will understand/accept best. We will talk more as time goes on about the importance of telling people how you're feeling but seeing as DD can't usually identify how she's feeling that's a much more complex ongoing conversation.

I have an autistic teen.

I get that they need facts.

I think your way of explaining is spot on.

What happened, the consequence of that.

Good luck and hope you all find the peace you need.

I think your suggestion is spot on. It's placing the emphasis on something being wrong with the persons brain rather than them being sad as mentioned by a previous poster.

I'd also make sure they feel comfortable to ask you more questions and also give them guidelines about what type of things are ok to talk about with other people and family members.

How people morn on tv isn't like really life.

I'd also make sure they know it's ok for them to feel confused/sad etc about it.

That sounds perfectly sensible and just the right amount of detail. Good luck to you and hope that you are all able to heal from this trauma.

My DD sounds similar to yours - autistic, bright, won't be fobbed off with half truths.

Your description above of how to tell her sounds great. Factual, honest and sensitive. Be prepared for the inevitable questions!