Struggling with newborn and preschooler

[Potsy17]

Had my second baby 10 weeks ago and I absolutely adore him ! My preschooler on the other hand not so much anymore and I just feel so terrible about it !
My DD is 4 years old and she was my world before my second baby,we were very much attached together and I was a calm and positive parent .
After baby I just can’t seem to deal with her in a calm way anymore. Everything she does gets me so angry ,I have no patience and no desire to play with her anymore. I feel so terrible about it ! I don’t know how to overcome this ,I fear that this negative feeling will stay with me forever. Please tell me that I am not alone in feeling this way,and if that’s the case how can I fix up ?

It's always fixable. Children are hardwired for attachment so I'm sure you'll be able to resolve any wrongs at this stage and you'll all be fine. Keep telling her she's loved, and even explaining to her after you've been upset etc can help. My 5 year old has forgiven me a lot in his short life. I figure if nothing else it's showing him that humans experience a whole range of emotions, and sometimes you need to apologise and make amends with one another. The fact that you're recognising it and want to reconcile speaks volumes. There's a period of adjustment for you all as you learn to juggle, she learns to share and the baby learns everything.

Could you have some PND if you're feeling angry without justification or provokation?

What sort of things are they doing that irritates you? Its probably not as irrational as you think. Also are you finding others annoying like your partner?

After having dc2 I've generally got less patience and I've noticed this affects my relationship with dc1.

You're still in the early days with your second! You're sleep deprived, and hard wired to devote your attention to your new baby. I'm not surprised you're irritated by any distraction, even if it is your own daughter.

I found having my second really, really tough, and I did sink a bit into post natal depression. Is there a possibility you could have it too? Alongside the meds, I just did whatever it took to get through the day. If it meant my first watched a lot more TV and ate more takeaway than was probably good for her, then so be it. Luckily, she was young (2yr6mo), so doesn't remember any of it.

I think this is really common and unfortunately not discussed often. I have a 2 year old and a baby (25 month age gap) and I really struggle with 2 year olds normal tantrums. I do believe lack of sleep is playing a big part too so give yourself rest if you can.
give grace and take some time- don’t immediately respond to older child and take some time to compose yourself.
take fresh air if you can and garden/ park time for the kids help.

dc2 really rocks your world though. Also consider looking into post partum rage ( I hate that word as I feel it implies we are flying off tha handle) but really it is about feeling deregulated.

@Squashinthepinkcup

I always apologise and acknowledge my mistakes and bad choices as we call them and bless her she is so mature and understanding and loving .
I try to repair with her always and we talk a lot about feelings and how all feelings are okay and what matters is how we cope with them and then next day comes and I find myself snapping at her again and I am stuck in this vicious cycle.
It could be some form of PND yes,I had it quite severe the first time around,had to go to therapy about it . I thought things were better this time ,clearly not .
Thank you for your reassuring words x

@GoldenDoorHandles

Anything really ,even the littlest things that she does irritate me . Since the baby she seems to have regressed a bit and while I totally understand her behaviour I cannot stand it 😣
My partner works long hours so he is barely around ,but I do find him annoying too yes

@Dyra
I have let the guilt of allowing more screen time go . I don’t know how we would have survived without it really . It’s just so hard !
I certainly suspect PND . I had it the first time and had some therapy about it .
never thought of going down the medication route .
Did you go to the GP about it ? What kind of meds did they put you on if you don’t mind me asking ?

@Pinklilly
It feels good to know I am not alone in feeling this way. The sleep deprivation is real alongside lingering aches from birth .
Rage is exactly what I feel sometimes,will look into it ,thanks x

I could have written this myself. DD and I were so close but since having 6 week old DS I feel things are very strained. She's always driven me a bit mad haha but I'm struggling with her constantly and just feel like she's so loud and overbearing with the baby I want to shoo her away constantly. Her behaviour has gone downhill so much and she's been lashing out at me and this weekend I lost my cool and actually swore at her for the first time. I just always feel ratty and impatient with her. It's horrible and understandably she's now favouring her dad. She's off to school in September and I know I'll miss her dreadfully so I really want to get into a better headspace before then. It doesn't help I don't think that I'm BFing this time so I spend so much time tied up with DS and can't so easily just swap in with DH to spend more time with DD. Hopefully this will pass but solidarity until then.

Sorry it's hard but I can't say the same with only 12 months between our twins and 3 year old I make extra effort with older so not left out feeling or anything.i suffered from pnd after 3 year old badly but was always very aware it should never come out on the older children or hubby. Just get the right help,talk about how you feel with a listening helpful adult and keep trying but don't forget to keep making that effort for the children don't make anyone feel your pushing them away, that will only result in a badly behaved child who doesn't understand why they aren't getting mummy's attention anymore fully

Oh God the regression... That's just brought back some irritating memories. I was on sertraline. Can't remember the dosage, but it wasn't much.

I'm in a similar position. What I found helps is when dc1 does something irritating I start by empathising even if I don't think it.

So say he's lifting dc2 in a non careful way and dc2 cries I say it must be frustrating for you when you're trying to hug your brother and he gets upset. You're a kind brother. Babies are fragile and you should always ask a grown up first. We need to be careful.

The action of saying this out loud helps moderate my response.

Sometimes though I just get OH to step in.

I think as mothers in todays society we are doing too much on our own. We're supposed to focus on baby with a tribe to support us. This is difficult.

I also read siblings without rivalry, it really gives a different perspective and helps you empathise with your eldest.