3.9 year old son can’t tell me when he needs the toilet

[inattentive38]

As far as up to this week he has been in nappies. I’m relaxed about it as my daughter was about 3.5 when she one day just said she didn’t want to wear nappies anymore and that was it (except at night). However I’ve had a lot of external pressure especially from my MIL which has filtered down to my husband (I’ve been told IT IS TIME) so this week we’ve been pants no nappies in the daytime. So far he’s had a wee once in the toilet. Every other time, regardless of how many times we put him on the loo he’ll just randomly wet himself and get upset. I just DO NOT think he is ready. We went out for the day today and he didn’t wee at all for about 6 hours however many times we took him. I’m starting to worry he’s now withholding out of anxiety. When I asks if he needs to wee he says ‘no because I haven’t done one yet/my legs aren’t wet’ which indicates to me that’s the only way he knows he needs to go! He’s also very regular with 💩 sometimes twice a day and has only been once since we’ve been nappy free. I’m pretty child led and finding the whole thing a bit sad tbh. He’s not going to school in September as we’ve deferred him, he’s a summer baby, so I just don’t understand the rush. Any tips/experience? Should I just persevere?

DS had to have lots of 'accidents' before started to recognise what he felt just before the wee came out. Main difference though is the year we did it was lockdown and nice weather, so DS spent weeks playing in the garden in his pants, and wasn't distressed by it in the slightest. I also purposely didn't ask him if he needed to go, as this seemed to result in more push-back, whereas when left to his own devices, he started going by himself.

At nearly 4, he will be physically ready, and waiting longer could lead to more of an emotional/ mental block then just persevering.

Thank you @Sprogonthetyne 🙏🏻

I would keep going.

My son was just over 3 when we potty trained him. We spent 1 day in the house, no nappy, just joggers. I asked him every 20 minutes or so if he needed the potty. He didn't get it at all, would wee without telling me then announce he needed the potty. And I was watching him for signs!

By day 3, he had got the hang of it mostly and we only had a couple of accidents that week. He prefers to tell me when he needs to go so I only remind him when we're heading out to go before we leave.

Child led is ok for some situations but potty training is something that generally needs guidance and enforcing (for want of a better word!) At nearly 4, he should be out of nappies if he's able to be but you should be making sure of it, not waiting for him. Once he's got it he'll probably be very proud to have mastered it!

Ps, also if it helps, we had a potty in every bathroom so wherever he was, he could go. We also had it for a quite a while before we attempted PT so he was totally used to seeing it and having the odd go with no pressure but appreciate that ship might have sailed for you!

A foldable potty seat for out and about is also amazing.

Thanks @Mygliderdoesaloop much appreciated. However I’m a bit concerned now there’s more going on, maybe a fear around it as he came in for a cuddle in the night and I felt his legs and he had absolutely soaked through his overnight nappy, it was like he’d been wearing it for two full days it was fit to burst. It feels like he’d been holding it all in all day yesterday 😕

We did very gradual potty training with my daughter. I started with an hour of nappy free time when she was at home with me. She's in nursery 4 days a week. The first week she just constantly dribbled and got upset so we capped it at an hour. After a few weeks she would go the hour without weeing. She wasn't getting upset so we went for 2-4h and she started using the potty. Once we were at 4h we offered her a choice of nappy or knickers when she woke up in the morning and when she got up from her nap. Once she was asking for it both times we decided to take the plunge and go full time. The first weekend we tried it she flat out refused to put on knickers. We waited a couple weekends and she accepted it and has been potty trained since. It took her longer to get poos as she has allergies and had toddler diarrhoea so she didn't always get much notice. We switched to pull ups and there were times when she asked for the potty whilst using them. We went away a few weeks into full time potty training and put her into pull ups from the days travelling as we couldn't guarantee getting to the toilet in time. On the way out she used the nappy once in 10h and on the way back she managed all day and didn't use it until we were in the bus going back to the car.

She has learnt everything on her terms. With walking for example she was cruising furniture at 9 months but refused to walk until 15 months and she ran the next day. We tried to emulate this with how we potty trained her.

We ended up with three potties and toilet steps! Just so there was always the reminder in each room.

Every time DD has an accident we say 'Oh oh! Thats ok. Wee wees go in the potty next time!' etc. We dont put pressure.

What did help was I would always take her with me whenever i needed a wee so now she just follows me as a reminder.

Thanks all for your posts.

To update, he has now been out of daytime nappies since the weekend and done one wee in the toilet. Every other one has been an accident. This morning he also pooed in his trousers and then ran to the toilet when he’d finished. It doesn’t matter how many time we sit him on the toilet he just won’t go as says he can’t. When we are out for long periods he just doesn’t go - it’s been over 7 hours now since he’s had a wee. I’m really feeling like he’s just not ready but don’t know if I’m overreacting 😞

He’s ready if he’s that age; have a read of the “ oh crap” potty training book. You’ll probably need to go straight to the toilet rather than a potty as he’ll be bigger.
out of interest, why did you delay him starting school just because he’s a summer baby? August born here - me that is not DS though he is summer too…. I was fine!!!

Give him more to drink so he’s doing more and gets more practice.

Thanks @TheGlitterFairy - sorry I didn’t word it very well. We didn’t defer just because he’s a summer baby, more due to general readiness. If he’d been born 2 weeks later he’d start school a full year later - we decided last month that he’s just not at school level yet. I’ve spoken to various parents who have deferred at the same age and have said it was the best thing they could have done - equally some parents who didn’t and wish they had. It’s nothing to do with the toilet thing 🙂

Have you tried bribery? DD was 3.5 and showing no 'signs' of readiness, and when asked to sit on the potty/toilet would adamantly refuse.

I bought a beautiful ballet tutu and hung it very visibly on my door, and when she asked for it told her that a friend had sent it but it was only able to be used by girls who wore big girl knickers... She was potty trained in about a week after that!

@inattentive38 i would suggest staying home for a few days and being completely naked from the waist down (him, not you!) and just watching and waiting for signs that he needs to go (jiggling etc), then swoop him to the loo. He'll have loads of accidents but will begin to get the idea of when he needs to go.

My daughter absolutely hated being reminded to go and I think it actually made her more resistant. She improved hugely when we chilled out a bit.

(Fyi she's also a summer born and we're deferring her 😊)

Thank you @SomeBollocks !! Gives me hope. It was so easy with my daughter she literally just decided one day she didn’t want to wear nappies and never once had an accident so this is new territory 🤣

https://schoolofeducation.blogs.bristol.ac.uk/2023/05/24/should-your-summer-born-child-start-school-later-heres-what-the-research-says/

It probably suited you to start when you did. My DD was one of the youngest in her year & wouldn't have benefited much from starting a year later.

@inattentive38 ah understood! Sorry didn’t mean to sound snippy!! Pleased the toilet training is going well!

Honestly"late" potty training feels like some kind of failure of parenting but it's not, just some kids are not ready.
We had a false start and went back to nappies for 6 months, the second time it wasn't much better, he would be screaming crying and he literally couldn't do a wee, he'd been holding it but couldn't seem to go. It was often in the night. But sometimes in the day.
Even now at getting on for 5 we have to sit him on the toilet every day because he just says no to the toilet. And for a wee he always says no, but he does sprint there in time when he's desperate.
He's also waiting for an autism diagnosis.