What would you have done in this situation?

[Nameynamechange123]

Really curious as to whether I handled this correctly or if perhaps there was a better way?

DD who is 3.5 and I were staying at a hotel. Breakfast buffet, paid for in advance. DD is quite anxious generally and doesnt always do well in new places. We headed down at our reserved time, she started getting anixous, usually i’d have tried to delay a bit in these situations to get her to calm down and go at her pace, but it was very busy (there was an event on) and the bookings were full so we had to go at our reserved time.

Anyway we went in, and a meltdown ensued. Lots of crying and screaming. I carried her over to show her the buffet in the hope that seeing food would help, but she kept on screaming. I got her a bowl cereal with one hand and she batted out of my hand and it went everywhere, so back to our table we went where she continued to scream and cry and lie on the floor. I warned her we would leave if she carried on, tried to distract her with books/my phone. She was not snapping out of it. After a few minutes of this I could see people staring so I picked her up and we left.

immediately once we left she wanted to go back in and have her breakfast but I quite firmly said no because she’d caused a scene and so we had to leave because thats what happens if you can’t behave.

i’d really like some opinions on what others would have done in this situation?? I just felt so incredibly embarrassed and judged. I guess i’m after a bit of solidarity that I handled it ok and that sometimes 3yos just do this!

I would have done the same as you OP.

I would have done the same thing as you...

I would like to think that someone watching may have offered to get your food and bring it to the table for you while you calmed dd down rather than making you feel judged. You didn't do anything wrong x

I’d have given a warning, then removed her the second she continued acting up, told her what’s expected and then let her back in if she starts behaving.

Have you sought professional advice? At 3.5 you should be able to expect better behaviour.. Anxiety to that degree at that age is off..

You've said she's anxious so know that's what was behind the meltdown.

I'd have taken her outside for a few minutes to calm down, had a chat and gone back in if she felt able to. Do you have strategies you can do together that help ground her?

I wouldn't have stopped her having breakfast completely because she was anxious and showing that in her behaviour.

I have and I suspect she is perhaps on the autism spectrum but no one seems to take us seriously as she is very well behaved when others are looking after her and then typically explodes for me. I think she already masks well. Her speech is also a bit behind which I don’t think helps (although its a lot better than it was).

Thanks, we did go and get breakfast soon after, just not there (which is annoying as i’d already paid for it 🙄). She just wasn’t calm enough to go back in - we had to do a big walk around the block and then once she was calm we got an on-the-go breakfast elsewhere. I think in hindsight I probably should have just not booked it as she does sometimes react like this in new places. Perhaps thats why i’m feeling so over-sensitive about it all.

Gently, I think this is somewhat abnormal for a 3.5yo. My high maintenance just turned 4 yo is amazing at screaming ‘no’ and stamping his foot and huffing about. But by 3.5 he wasn’t having full blown, unbreakable meltdowns. He had enough idea of embarrassment and shame to not do that.

Anxiety is often comorbid with neurodiversity. Have you spoken to a HV? Even if you are struggling with a diagnosis they can often refer to occupational therapy who can help with coping in high input/sensory situations.

I think you handled it well OP. I wouldn't have wanted to go back in the breakfast room with her in case it happened again!

Yes, neurodivergence is absolutely what I suspect but HV was useless last time I brought it up and preschool don’t care as she’s good as gold there. I think i’ll have to try the GP. She absolutely has no concept of embarrassment or shame.

This

Thanks for everyones comments. I’m somewhat reassured that I handled it ok, but i’m not oblivious to the fact that its probably not quite the norm at her age. Perhaps thats why i’m feeling a bit oversensitive about it all.

You handled it fine OP. My son had those sort of meltdowns way past 4 years old.

When she first started crying I'd have asked the staff if we could come back in half an hour, then gone back to the room. They would almost certainly have found a way to squeeze you in later, or offered to let you have something in your room instead. I probably wouldn't have tried to get cereal one handed while carrying a crying child, that was alway going to end up on the floor.

Don't worry about it though. What we think we would do, when we think about it at home, is not necessarily what we would think of in the middle of a stressful situation.

I wouldn’t withhold food as a punishment for being anxious and overwhelmed.

I would have shown her photos of the place in advance and described the kind of food probably available. I would have encouraged her to bring a cuddly toy or similar. When she got upset I would have taken her to a quiet place given her a hug helped her with some breathing techniques and gone back in when she was ready.

I would have done the same, and taken her out. I always took brioche, cereal bars and juice cartons when we stayed in hotels. So that they had some thing small before breakfast.

It stopped the over hungry and overwhelmed morning meltdowns. It also meant that if they woke early, they weren't starving by the time we went for breakfast.

I have a daughter with ASD/ADHD. Very late diagnosis at 16/17 years. I would absolutely push for assessment now. The damage done by late diagnosis is horrendous.

You suspect asd, listen to your gut. Ignore the pp who say it’s not acceptable, she’s 3.5! If she asd you’ll need to get used to these things. Expect it when you go out, change your behaviour accordingly to accommodate her so she doesn’t have a meltdown.
find groups that support asd (you don’t usually need a diagnosis) and take all the support you can get

Maybe descretely video her and show Dr? Dd masked until 15...

I think you were a little slow to remove her tbh. After knocking the bowl of cereal on the floor you should have taken her outside then. Given her a chance to calm down, then tried again.

If you had removed her the moment her behaviour was a problem it would have been better in many ways. Then you could have returned.

Another thing to add - denying your child food as a result of a meltdown won’t help with their anxiety/meltdowns, if anything it could make it worse.

Always always reward them once they’ve calmed down, especially if they are hungry. Let them eat. Let them have breakfast at the buffet (once calm) so that they develop positive associations with the experience.

You handled it well, OP
It was a tricky situation for sure, but it does sadden me that a child would have anxiety at this young age. Still, nothing surprises me these days.