4 year old constant moaning - struggling

[raspberryfields1]

My 4 year old DD has mostly been fairly easygoing and generally quite a happy, content personality.

Since turning 4 though she’s often such a misery - often moaning and saying she doesn’t want to do things, moaning that the activity I had planned yesterday (soft play, which she normally loves) is boring, whinging when she can’t find a certain toy or when I won’t help her or fetch something she wants straightaway. This morning she wanted her toy from upstairs, then refused to go and get it. I told her that if she wants something, she has to fetch it herself - cue lots more moaning and “no, I don’t want to” in a moany, whiny voice.

Her moaning and constant negativity is really starting to drain me and I’m struggling not to get irritable and snappy, which I suspect would only make things 10 times worse. I’m trying to be bright and breezy but it’s tough!

We’re moving house soon and she’s leaving nursery to start school. I wonder if that could be affecting her mood. DH said perhaps we should stop talking about it, but I thought it best to gently prepare her for the changes ahead.

Any advice?

No advice but following as mine sometimes does this too and none of the tactics I've tried (zero tolerance and loads of tolerance) have worked!

My ds is 3.7 and is exactly the same!! Constant whinging and moaning, it's such a misery and makes me so miserable. No advice but solidarity. I also have ds 15 months so it is a slog everyday

Ex preschool teacher here. Our tactic with whinging children was to say in a cheerful voice "oh dear, I can't hear you, can you oh say that again in your big girl/boy voice please?" Rinse and repeat as many times as needed. You need a lot of patience sometimes!

Have you actually told her to stop whining (nicely). It sounds mean but sometimes they just need to be told is not ok.

That’s two pretty big changes so I would think that’s why your DD is behaving as she is. Perhaps you could get some books out of the library about starting school & moving house.

I also came to suggest 'Oh dear, I can't hear you when you use that voice.' Primary school teacher standard quote.

My dd (3y9m) does this when she isn't challenged because (as she keeps saying) she's A Big Girl Now. I think she's getting a bit old for our usual soft plays.

We've been doing things like trying more difficult climbing frames in playgrounds, hiring a bike in the park (with stabilisers), swimming... and at home getting her to do more structured artwork like painting a still life. Helping with cooking.

Basically, she stops whining when she feels a sense of achievement.

I'm with you though, the moaning and whining gives me the absolute rage, especially as I'm looking after a baby at the same time. I find it so hard not to lose my temper, it's all I can do to hold it in all day.

Thanks. I’ve been trying bright and breezy but perhaps I need to try the ‘primary school’ technique. Telling her to stop whining makes zero difference.

The issue of whether she’s being challenged enough is an interesting one - perhaps I need to try harder in that department. She usually loves soft play but is 4 too old for it?

We have been talking about starting school and moving house (and reading books on the former). I almost think that if I hadn’t mentioned it my life would be easier and she’d be happier, but I thought that allowing her to adjust to the idea slowly was the right thing to do.

I think there's soft plays and there's softer plays if you see what I mean! So, say you live in south london for the sake of argument lol... There's one in brixton that's quite challenging even for pre-teens, full of rope bridges. There's a big one in Croydon that's also quite tough to navigate. My dd is challenged at these (tbf, so am I). But the "under 5" ones that we used to go to weekly aren't really for under 5s, more like "under 3.5".

I'm OK now that my ds is still a babe in arms but I've got no clue how I'll cope when he starts crawling and dd will have turned 4. There's no way I can keep them both happy (I feel). Just currently taking it one phase at a time and trying not to panic! This parenting lark is so hard!