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Relocation with 16 year old

6 replies

M3dical999 · 26/05/2024 08:00

4 years ago, I relocated my 12 year old son during Covid for personal reasons and put him into an amazing independent school that he has loved. Every other weekend he travelled between Oxford and Leeds to maintain a relationship with his father that me and his father facilitated. I kept my house in the north and 2 years ago we had the opportunity to move back which I was desperate to do at the time but then I asked him what he wanted to do and he said he loved his friends and wanted to stay, I said yes and explained that he’d stay until at least GCSEs (he’s also an only child). Fast forward to today, and for various reasons I need to move back north to our old house and he has a place at York college, he was brilliant about it at first as it’ll mean he’s much closer to his dad. We’re also moving back to the house where we live for 8 years (from 4 to 12). He’s very popular and now the time has nearly come has said the he wants to stay in Oxford. However, I can’t afford to keep him in his current school and all admissions are closed for really good public sixth form colleges. I’m desperate to leave and move away from my horrible ex partner and the last 4 years have wrecked my mental health. I’ve just had to make it work for my son and recognising his needs but if I stay here where I have no friends and only work and have to drag my son up and down the motorway for another 2 years, it will break me and I don’t think that’s healthy for my son either as it’s only ever really been me and him. All my friends say he’ll have no problems making new friends and the college is great but all that I read about moving a 16 year old at this point ia tricky. If we don’t move he’ll be even more rooted and I would rather we’re closer as a family with his dad nearby. Thoughts?

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CadyEastman · 26/05/2024 08:05

I totally get why you want to move, I really do but I have a 16 year old and I woukd not move them.

philosoppee · 26/05/2024 08:06

I feel so sorry for you but 16 is not a good age to move him. However the school problem makes it all worse, I'm really not sure what to advise.

SirChenjins · 26/05/2024 08:10

Sell your house in the north or remortgage to free up some equity to keep him in his school?

What’s his solution? Or what would make it more acceptable to him? That’s a lot of movement at a key point in hs life in just a few years, I can understand why he doesn’t want to go.

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M3dical999 · 26/05/2024 09:44

Thank you. I’m trying to sell current home with ex partner that would give me the funds but he’s being really difficult about selling and I know it will just drag on and on. I also had to borrow money for the last term of school from my 77 year old mum. I can’t sell my house in the north as it had terrible escape of water and went back to bare stone, the insurance wouldn’t cover it causing me immense financial pressure, if it were easy to find the money to keep him there then I would. The options in and around Oxford are not good and he won’t meet as nice a friends as he has now. If we stay he’ll be going to somewhere here and then my fear is that he’ll be out of sign out of mind. His friends in the north are so excited to have him back and they’re all still in touch, the college is great but I’m so very aware this is NOT ideal.

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Superscientist · 26/05/2024 14:29

Going to a sixth form college he is likely to be in the and situation as most of the other students. I think it would be different if you were moving him to a school for a levels. At my school we had 2 students that joined for a levels. One settled in ok but the other found it harder to find a group

It sounds like whatever happens he will need to be moving house and schools in which case I think a move that it's best for the family overall would be preferable. He will always want to be with current friends, he will always want the familiar but your life has to be sustainable and it sounds like the financial situation of keeping him in the independent school is not sustainable. Spending your life up and down the A1(M)/M1 isn't sustainable. Do you have the option of staying in the house in York for a few weeks to get immersed back into that life?

M3dical999 · 26/05/2024 17:35

Thank you so much, this has been the plan for 18 months so not a shock or anything horrible like that fortunately. Yes, I’m hoping the house will be ready by end of June, getting his old bedroom ready for a now 16 year old boy and comfortable / familiar for him. He will want to enjoy the summer at the start of the holidays here but I’m arranging for him to spend time with old friends, one in particular that he’s still in touch with to play football and meet other boys through the same friend that I know are also going to York college as well as my friend’s daughter that we went to Centre Parcs with last October as she’s also going to York college. It’s literally torn me apart but I also think changing plans at the last minute for him won’t help either. Thanks so much

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