Please help me stop shouting at my kids

[Treely912]

I have 2 children under the age of 8 and whenever they are not listening or behaving badly etc. my default is to shout at them. I’m feeling stressed and overwhelmed with life atm which definitely isn’t helping. I know it doesn’t work and I feel awful after but I just can’t give myself time to wait and then I react by shouting. I was shouted at a lot as a child and I think it probably stems from there. Has anyone got any tips or advice please??

No advice but in the same boat, with the same background. Mine are under 5. I have no idea how to stop :( people say "oh just walk away if they're not listening and you're getting stressed" but it isn't always the answer if you're having to keep them safe etc?? So what are you supposed to do

Solidarity here. Sometimes I find the noise and overstimulation from different sources too overwhelming and it builds up and I can't help but shout which only makes things worse. Wish I had some advice to offer but just to say you're not alone! Do you apologise afterwards (if appropriate) so they can model that behaviour too?

When I need to zone out I listen to some chilled music and sing along, my kids probably think I’m mad but it helps me find some inner calm.

Sometimes I start dancing too and they laugh and join in.

I used to be like this - and same with shouty parents.

You sound like you’re really stressed and easy triggered.

What worked for me was -

telling them that I was feeling a bit overwhelmed with the noise/messing about and can they help me by doing as I ask - this actually really helped in the mornings.

Making sure that everything was ready for school in the morning - even down to bobbles.

Hiding somewhere to ground myself

Keeping the tv volume down

Apologising if I had shouted and not making excuses that I was tired - really owning it.

Proper 1-2-1 time at bed time to help me reconnect with them. This is the best part of my day now. What ever happens during the day we can discuss.

Agree with the poster above - dancing. Like proper ‘no one can see you dancing’ dancing - it’s a fantastic stress reliever- same goes for singing ( something to do with vocal cord vibration and stress relieving)

Purposely setting up situations where they will be quiet - like putting a kids film on closing curtains, putting quilt on the floor, little pic nic so my brain would un fry

There is lots and lots of little things you can put in place that can make a big difference.

Thank you for posting OP, I am another shouty mum and I hate myself for it. I’m also struggling with perimenopause and the week before my period often results in significantly more shouting as my patience and tolerance decreases dramatically.

So I’m following for recommendations and advice, and will implement silly dancing immediately!

You need to have a good think about what your pressure points are. There will be particular behaviours/situations/times of the day when you are more likely to snap.

Example. My pressure points are:

😤Toddler saying the same thing over and over
😤Toddler making sudden loud noises
😤Doing a big shop with toddler
😤Stressful mealtimes
😤Getting home from a long day out with toddler
😤The run up to bedtime when I'm burnt out from the day

I am most likely to snap in the above situations/times of day, but because I recognise them I have been able to implement strategies to stop me from snapping (most of the time!)

😇I never do a big shop with toddler now. I do it when he's in nursery or one of us will do it in the evening after he's in bed.

😇We shook up mealtimes drastically: no snacks in the run up to dinner, we all eat together, food is given with no other options, if he says he is finished he can get down to play. He eats what he wants and how much he wants but I don't make other options. His eating/table manners and my mood have drastically improved.

😇My husband is hands on the second I get in from a long day out with toddler (he works from home which helps) and also pitches in with the bedtime routine. If I'm really burnt out he just does the lot and I come in just for a story and bedtime cuddle.

For anything I can't actually stop or change (e.g. toddler noise and general insanity 🤯), I just try to recognise how annoying it is and remove myself from the situation to cool off. Then I vent to husband and friends with kids who get it 😂

You won't see it but I guarantee you do have patience for things that other people would get snappy about. Every parent has their own pressure points and buttons and your children will push the buttons specific to you.

There is also a place for a sharp tone in my opinion. I will not apologise to my son for a sharp voice and hard mum glare when it's needed. But when I have lost my cool and really shouted it has upset him and I always apologise for that.

You're doing an amazing job. Just try to have a think about what specifically sets you off (it's not everything even though it feels like it sometimes!) and shake up the routine around those things.

I’ve found raw coaco has helped MASSIVELY. I’ve cut my morning coffee out and have that instead.

I’ve been on it about 4 months now and probably only have one down day. I didn’t even notice I was due on the month before and was surprised and checked my app as thought I was early

Also helps me enormously to get my jobs done at least pressurised times. Ie sometimes I cook a meal at lunch and have toast for tea.