Stepmum sharing marital difficulties with 14yo

[Hiphop1864]

Hi

I'd appreciate some advice/AITA about this situation.

My 14yo daughter has been a bit out of sorts lately and yesterday told me that her stepmum confided in her about plans to leave her dad. She's told her that she's looking for a new home, saving up money and thought she should tell my daughter in case she thought stepmum was abandoning her.

For context, my daughter and her brother live with me but have some weekends at dad's. He's a good dad and they have an excellent relationship with him - he and I are also on good terms. In the past stepmum has been volatile with her moods and has taken it out on the kids, ex husband has been open with me about this.

Understandably my daughter is devastated and reluctantly told me since she'd been sworn to secrecy. She feels guilty for breaking confidences and terribly worried about her dad. We're now in an open ended situation where she knows her stepmum is going to leave at some unknown point and can't tell anyone. Obviously if I was to tell her dad I would break my daughter's trust too, and if stepmum changes her mind I'd be in the firing line.

Other than supporting my daughter I don't know what the hell to do. My 17yo son is oblivious so if he finds out we knew about this he'd be devastated too. Not sure exactly what I want from sharing this, but if appreciate other's opinions. Thanks

You need to have a word with stepmum and say it is very unfair of her to burden your daughter with her marital difficulties. That this has left daughter distressed.

Bollocks to the stuff about not wanting stepdaughter to feel abandoned - all that stuff could be said after the split.

She was using your daughter as a confidant and it is wildly inappropriate and unfair.

I speak as a woman whose mother confided in her from the age of 12 about her many, many supposed marital difficulties and how much parents were on the brink of divorce. 32 years later they are still together. But I was very distressed for years.

It's too much to put on young shoulders. SM should talk to her friends.

You can have this conversation with stepmum without going into specifics. I'd also say the same thing to your ex - that his wife is talking to your daughter about their relationship and it's upsetting her.

I'd tell your daughter it was a load of hot air, actually. That stepmum was just venting. Let her feel better about it - if it does happen she can deal with it then.

Thank you @TigerJoy . This is great advice, I think playing it down is the best course of action right now and we can deal with it if/when it happens. Thanks for replying

That's ok

If you don't feel comfortable raising it with your ex and his wife- tell your daughter to tell her stepmum not to talk to her about it. Leave the room if necessary. I wish someone had said that to me.

Thank you @TigerJoy I'm sorry you went through this too.