How do I prepare a young toddler for the arrival of a baby?

[MrsTittleMouse]

I'm now 12 weeks PG with DB2. DD will be 2 (just) when the new baby is born. We will start telling family about the pregnancy soon, but I don't really know how to handle DD. All of the books and magazine articles seem to deal with siblings who are that bit older, and can have conversations etc. So I have a couple of questions and any advice will be greatfully received.

I don't want DD to know about the baby yet, as I think that 6 months is far too long for her to wait. Do I have to tell everyone else to not talk about it around DD?

Are there any books suitable for children under 2? I've heard that "there's a house in my mummy" is good, will she even understand it?

Is it a good idea to get her a baby doll and bathe it, dress it, chance it's nappy and so on, so that she knows what to do with a baby? Or will that just encourage her to "help" beyond her abilities when the LO is born?

We have already arranged that DD's GP will make a fuss of her as a big sister, and children in our family tend to get presents and cards when the baby is born. Do I try to warn her that having a baby is very tiring and that Mummy will be tired? Or is that self-defeating?

Sorry - long post! It's been on my mind a bit (along with everything else pregnancy-related). Just can't switch my brain off!

If she'll be only just 2 by the time the baby comes, i really wouldn't worry too much. You can tell her now, and she'll probably not get it, or forget, or just ask occasionally about it.

Ditto explaining that you'll be tired etc- she won't fully get it, so not much point.

With the doll thing, you could wait until the baby comes and see what she's like- you'll be surprised how quickly she'll realise she needs to be gentle etc. When you're feeding / changing the baby, you can get her to help- ie fetch you the nappy etc. If she is very put out, a doll might help then.

I would advise all visitors that they must say hello to her first, make a fuss (aren't you a brilliant big sister etc) and perhaps you could buy her a small gift from the baby.
My parents bought presents for DS1 when DS2 was born too.

DS1 was 16mths when DS2 was born, and they are great together. I honestly wouldn't worry until they are both together, and then you can judge. Most concerns you'll have now will be unfounded in reality

And congrats! It is hard work sometimes with 2 close together, but i think any age gap has it's difficulties, and it's definately worth it.

I have been worrying about the same thing and I only got my BFP on Thursday.

DS will be about 20 months when the new baby arrives. I will be buying him a card and present from the new baby. I have heard about the books but I think he will be too young to understand them.

He loves babies though, well all kids really so I am hoping all will be fine as I'm sure it will be for you.

dd had only just turned 2 when ds arrived and she really didn't have much of an idea what was going on. I started talking to her about having a baby when there was a month or two to go. "there's a house inside my mummy" was good, plus another book called "my new baby" which had just pictures - they were also helpful after ds arrived. She got a baby Annabel the Christmas I was pg and that was fab - she'd pretend to BF Annabel while I was feeding ds.

Try and get as much help as possible after the birth so you can spend some one on one time with your toddler as it's very easy to get totally absorbed by the new arrival. Dd used to freak when ds cried so needed a lot of reassurance early on.

Toddlers are great at keeping babies entertained, though - ds is madly in love with his sister .

liath mentioned one of these, but Waiting for Baby (covers expecting a baby up to and including the birth) and My New Baby (covers life with a new baby) are good because they are picctures only and you can pitch them at the right level for a child of any age.

I am 6 months pg at moment, and dd is 2 next month. She has just really taken off in her speech lately, so we can have little chats. But she definitely has got the idea, and remembered from quite early on that there is a baby in mummy's tummy. (I showed really early this time round). I haven't said anything in terms of expectations for her - don't think it's helpful to say things like ' it'll be a friend for you to play with' or ' you can help mummy with new baby' (why should she!) I just keep it very matter of fact and light. We did have a mad conversation about whether the baby in mummy's tummy is wearing pyjamas - she was very concerned about this!

My dd was 14 months when dd2 was born, the lady who ran the nct refresher course, said that it was a good idea to refer to the baby as "dd's baby sister", or even "dd's baby" rather than mummy and daddy's, I guess because to the toddler, they are your baby, rather than this stranger! We chose a name as soon as we found out the sex, so always referred to the baby by name too, (thank god the sex was accurate!) and when dd2 came along, dd1 called her by name straight away (her first word). My mum bought her a doll, which was great, and did help. I wouldn't worry about the trying to help thing, like Fasterpussycatgrrl (Hello!) says, they learn the gentleness thing pretty fast, and as soon as dd1 could walk, she would help me by getting out the nappy things, and wiping her doll's bottom (using about 100 baby wipes).

The first couple of months are hard (on everyone!) but I can't begin to explain how lovely it is to have the pair of them, even now when dd1 (now 2) has dd2(10 months) in a headlock on the floor - ah bless!

This is all great stuff. I'm hoping that DD's speech and understanding will improve so that as things get closer she understands a little better. We've primed my parents (who have both retired) to visit after the birth. The idea is that when DH goes back to work I'll have help to take DD to the park and make a fuss of her. I'm hoping also that the new baby will be a little easier than DD and that I'll be less beaten up by the birth. DD was quite a screamer, wanted constant entertaining, and wouldn't sleep. I do wonder how I got through it all without getting PND, and sometimes I'm really scared to think I could do it all again with a lively toddler. DD would have loved herself as a toddler though, when she was a newborn (if you see what I mean), so hopefully the new baby will too. We are keeping our fingers crossed that they will get on well.

This might be completely obvious so sorry if it is, but a good friend of mine who has three boys gave me a great tip for introducing new arrivals to older kids - have the baby next to you (in a cot or similar) rather than in your arms the first time the toddler meets them, so that your older child doesn't instantly associate it with being pushed out of a space they understand as theirs. Her boys get on really well and all love each other, so it must have worked for her.

It probably is obvious to the experienced mum, but I'd never have thought of it before she told me, so thought I'd stick it up here just in case

I wanted to add my experience - DS1 was 14 months when DS2 was born, and I did not anticipate the guilt I felt. It was completely irrational, but I felt terrible for DS1. He seemed to go from my baby to this hulking great toddler overnight (well, he did I suppose!). Without wanting to be negative, I did want to mention it as it took me by surprise.

Newborns have fairly basic needs, older children tend to have more emotional needs. But do remember that your DD is at an huge developmental spurt (from about 18 months - 3 IMO). It is easy to put any less-than-desirable behaviour onto the fact that you have had another baby. (Load up on maternal guilt!). Try to remember that it isn't necessarily so, and may be acting in such a way anyway.

Lastly, get a sling.

Good luck

Oh, you asked about preparing your toddler for the new baby!! Sorry, distracted by DS getting entangled in sticky tape!

No problem! I'm sure that I'll be needing help too. I bought a sling to use with DD but she hated it. She was quite a stubborn little thing though (still is!) so we're all hoping for a more laid back DB2.
So far the only person worried about guilt is my Mum. Bless her, she's worried that she loves DD so much that another baby couldn't possibly be as special.

I've had four DCs and I only worried about this once - the first time. I wonder if we worry too much and perhaps we could just let things happen.

I was given the same advice, not to hold the newborn when the DCs meet him/her.

The babies brought their older siblings a present when they arrived (IYSWIM), and I took the DCs out to choose and buy a present for the new babies.

I bought DS1 a doll to encourage his nuturing side before his baby brother came along. I gave him the doll, he immediately bit his head. Didn't bode well .... They have all been fine and very accepting of each other.

Have 18 months difference between my 2 DSs and we prepared our DS1 with loads of simple books like Spot's Little Sister (still one of his favorites) and also books about baby animals. We used to play that my husband would tickle my tummy and DS1 would tickle his little sister or brother, and kiss my tummy, etc. They take in a lot, and he kept on wanting to kiss my tummy way after the baby was born. After birth (c sec) DS1 came to hospital every day to see his little brother and we refered to the baby as Matthew's baby brother all the time. We also let him touch his brother and weren't too prcious about it and he was surprisingly gentle.

We had a great book, Zee zees baby brother or something like that, it was great.
I had to include dd in my pregnancy for quite a long time as I was in and out of hospital and she got passed from pillar to post with no notice all the time.
TBH they all adapt very quickly, just mention it so you are not keeping something from dd but don't focus on it too much yet. Other people are usually quite good with what to say infront of first born (or at least thats what I found).

I agree with everyone else here- don't worry too much it will be ok! DS was 2y2months when DD was born and we didn't tell him about the pregnancy until it was very visible- about 5.5 months in I think- and when it started to restrict my play with him, i.e. less rough & tumble! We encouraged DS to kiss the bump and later on put his hand on it when it moved etc.- and he liked watching the baby kick in my tummy in the bath. We too bought a few picture books- the "waiting for baby" one and "there's a house inside my mummy" were very good. I was in & out of hospital quite a bit and spent 2 weeks in hospital having DD so it was hard on DS but we tried to explain as much as we could- I think their understanding can be surprisingly good even if they can't talk that well.

When we brought DD home we made sure DS was very involved in her care- helping dip cotton wool in water when changing nappies, popping the dirty nappies in the bin, helping wash her in the baby bath etc. and reading stories to her. And all visitors were instructed to make a big fuss of him before the baby!! And when DD napped I would try to spend time with DS doing activities he enjoys so not everything revolved around the baby. We've been lucky and the two get along very well, DS is a very protective and loving big bro at least for the moment!

excellent thread, i keep meaning to post something similar. dd will be 22ish months when baby arrives in june. So far she points at my tummy and says "baby", but then she does the same to her own! She's enjoyed sitting in the newly acquired double buggy and pointing to the empty seat next to her and saying "baby" but who knows what she really understands!

she has lots of baby dolls, pushchair etc and loves playing with them. loves the real life babies we see at toddlers etc.

she does not seem to understnad the concept of gentle yet, but we're working on it!

IMO "there's a house inside my mummy" is fantastic, but better suited for 3 year olds.

I had a similar gap between my two and there was a similar thread back then. The best bit of practical advice I was given was to hide away a large batch of ds1's baby toys so that he had time to forget about them and they could become ds2's toys. Otherwise you end up either with all the toys in the house belonging to 1 child or buying load of new ones. Similarly at christmas and birthdays ds1 chooses one of his old toys to give to ds2.

The other subtle thing that we did (and still do) is to refer to ds2 as being his baby iyswim. He is not just "mummy's baby" and "daddy's baby" he is also "ds1's baby". It may sound daft but I wanted him to feel that he belonged.

Overall it was all much easier than I expected. The only thing that surprised me was quite how uninterested ds1 was at first. He seemed to view ds2 as a rather uninteresting toy. That changed after a few months. Now my main problem is stopping ds2 from climbing on ds1's head

I've told my daughter - she is nearly 2 and very understanding/talkative and knows there is a baby in mummy's tummy and that she's going to be a big sister (she is adamant she wants a sister which could be difficult!). Personally I told her at 12w because I cannot possibly stop others talking about it round me, I wanted her to be involved straight away (I don't think they have a concept of what's "too long to wait" at this young age) and explain why she can't clamber over me all the time any more! Someone recommended Za-Za's baby brother which I am going to order, v simple and with illustrations like the Maisy books. I also got "Big Sister Dora" which was pretty rubbish. I think she is too young to understand "mummy will be tired" TBH.