New baby, dd1 regression

[walnut87]

Hi

My dd2 was born 6 weeks ago. Dd1 is 4, due to go to school in September. I’m finding it hard to manage at the moment, but I think the biggest thing is dd1 has very clearly regressed to about two years old. She screams if she doesn’t get what she wants straight away and walks around sulking half the time. She is normally the loveliest most chilled out kid, very sweet & LOVES being a big sister so no issue there. I have always been default parent as partner works long hours but I’m now stuck under a velcro baby and struggling to emotionally cope with the change in dd1. I miss her so much, and she spends most of her time complaining that daddy isn’t around. She’s at nursery 3 days a week & now with me and baby for the rest.

I try hard to make one of those days whatever she wants (eg library, her fave cafes, mooching around the shops - this is so hard because baby hates being disturbed when she’s asleep and it’s a lot of in/out of carrier so a lot of crying/having to keep moving if she wakes). I’d go stir crazy if I stayed at home all day, but our usual days out don’t seem to help, dd1 still has multiple meltdowns about tiny irrational things & I only have so much patience. I’m know I’m not handling it perfectly & I do end up snapping more often then I’m proud of. Seeing her grump around at me does my head in, I seem to be unable to not take it personally. It’s like a storm cloud, directed fully at me.

I am exclusively breastfeeding & struggling to know how get dd2 onto a bottle on my own, I never managed bottles with dd1 so it feels like a huge hurdle. I know I need time alone with dd1 but am not getting any decent time with her that isn’t bedtime once in a blue moon.

Has anyone got any ideas on how else I can help dd1, or manage with the mood swings & tantrums, or even just how long her regression is likely to go on for?! Will it go on longer seeing as I’m not managing it well?

I suggest that the mood swings and tantrums are because your DD1 no longer gets your undivided attention. So this may just take time as her sibling is very young so you are both getting used to the new situation. Children often regress when a new baby arrives so some times with her own age group would be beneficial (if you're not doing this already) but preferably with you there. Do you have any friends or baby & pre-school local groups you could attend?

Do you use a baby sling or carrier? This will free your hands and also provide the movement your baby likes to stay asleep so you can concentrate on your other child for a bit.

If you're in the house could you do some colouring or craft with DDI so she has your attention and this will also allow you to keep an eye on the baby.

Routine is key for both of them (well, and you too). So try keeping the same routine even with the things you do out of the house for a bit and see if that helps.

Sorry I don't have a magic fix but these things worked well for me.

Just been through this. DD1 is just gone 4, DD2 is 6 months.

DD1 is a fantastic sister, absolutely loves the baby but her behaviour has been off since just before she arrived. Very emotional, tantrums and tears at the tiniest things. Also very boisterous which is not like her at all.

She is part time school and then nursery on top 2 afternoons. We get out almost every day she's with me. I try very hard to do things that are just us or just her and Dad. We tried reward charts. Ultimately I just think she needed time.

I would say here it lasted 4.5 to 5 months. Now DD1 has gone back to her previous behaviour life is so much easier. I have a friend with a very similar age gap who is also experiencing this so it seems very common x

@Pr1mr0se thank you so much, those are such practical suggestions. I hadn’t considered time with kids her age. She is at nursery 3 days a week but is one of the oldest now, so I will see if I can book in time with friends. I tried a baby/toddler group thing and she found it so overwhelming as she is very shy (lockdown plus shielding sigh). Hard. I ended up crying. It was all a bit of a mess 😂

We are using a carrier as much as my back will manage which is definitely helping.

I will have a think about what sort of routine we could have, thank you.

@Tryingtoconceivenumber2 thank you, this is so so reassuring to know that it does end. It’s crazy how much her behaviour has changed and I can see that it’s about attention but jeez… I waited four years to have a baby specifically so I didn’t have to deal with a toddler at the same time but that’s exactly what I seem to have! 🫣 thank you again x

No problem. It's only now she's gone back to her normal self I can see how bad it was. There is light at the end of the tunnel x

She will settle down again but they usually start to play up again, first a short while, when the baby starts to move and touch their stuff.

Is DH around this weekend at all? I'd be tempted to send him and DD1 out for at least half a day to do something like swimming or visiting the park and a cafe so that you can have done time with LO and DD1 gets some undivided time with her DF.

If she's quite shy, you might find playgroups easier if you're one of the first to arrive so that she's not walking into a room that's already full and noisy. My DS loved playgroups but was much happier if we were one of the first to arrive. Putting the baby in a sling whilst you're there helps too.

If you really are struggling with anger, could you have done PNI? I'd give the PANDAS Foundation a call and talk through how you're feeling with them

@CadyEastman thank you… nice to be prepared in advance!! I’ll try getting there first with a playgroup; it would be good for her too before school. I think because I’m relatively introverted too I’m just useless at navigating this stuff ha! We managed to get her some daddy daughter trips this weekend :)

I don’t think it is PNI this time around thankfully, but thank you - I have got a GP referral for anxiety atm which I think is probably more the issue - it’s like I’m constantly on high alert with all the added dd1 meltdowns. It’s just completely sensory overload for me 🫣

I do think it might be worth talking to the PANDAS Foundation even if you think you've not got PNI. Those feelings of anxiety and being almost "wired" can both be symptoms. They will hopefully be able to talk to you before your GPs appointment