Would you let a 9yo out to play?

[Gemmahearts94]

I have a 9 year old usually very sensible and well behaved son, he has strict boundaries of how far he's allowed to go.

we look onto a big green, with houses all around, only cars are people coming to and from home, he's allowed as far as the park to the left approx (200meters) and the basketball hoop on the right (200 meters ish) and he's to stay on the grass.

I've kinda illustrated it, with us being the blue house, and there's about 150 houses that look onto this green, so as far as playing out goes I feel like it's a pretty ideal place.

anyway tonight we've got my neice, his cousin who's also 9 round for dinner and with my sisters permission they've been out to play, well every 10 minutes I'd look out the window and make sure they were okay, and for over an hour they were, they were playing on the drive Everytime I checked.

last time I checked they were nowhere to be seen, obviously full panic ensued, I have 2 little ones (4 and 1) one of who was sleeping and I could find my son or neice.

I ran out into the street with my 2 littles, and they were all the way down by the road playing football, well out of the boundary of where they're allowed. I shouted them both to come back and I've properly told them off, told my son he's betrayed my trust and they're in now for the foreseeable. I'm really disappointed that he's done this as he knows very well he's not allowed past the park. The picture shows where they were. It's about 200 meters past the park.

first thing I did when they came to the house was hug them both and say I'm glad they're safe and then I just unleashed cross, angry, dissapointed, scared mum/ auntie on them.

now they're both crying because they're not allowed out but was I wrong to let them out in the first place, it took a lot of convincing to allow him in the first place. But there's a lot of kids who play out there. I felt cruel depriving him of that bit of childhood

p.s grey line by the park is a path not a road

It’s disappointing that they haven’t listened and you must have got a big fright.

I think I would sit them down and explain why you were so upset, say you’ll let them out to play but they just stay within the boundary and tell them where the boundary is. Remind them that you will be watching and if they go out of the boundary, without letting you know, then you will keep them inside.

I let my 9 year old play out in a similar set up and with permission he is allowed to go out of sight to knock for a friend.

he did a similar thing once and I made him come in immediately and he hasn’t done it again.

i am much stricter than some of his friends parents though who let theirs go further afield.

At 9, they are allowed to walk to school by themselves.

Yes, they’ve ignored your boundaries, but I think your boundaries are too tight. Playing 400 metres from the house at 9 fine unless you’re in an area where county lines gangs are rife.

Yes, I would and did let my dc out to play on the street in front of our house from younger than 9. Depends entirely on your dc and how trustworthy they are. I wouldn't keep him in forever - a few days or a couple of weeks and then talk more about boundaries, reasons and how confident the dc feel.

I am admittedly a bit of a nervous parent. I don't like him to be out of my sight, definetly wouldn't allow him to walk to school by himself, I don't live in a particularly dangerous area, I'm not concerned about gangs.

He did come up to me and apologise to me tonight, at first he tried to blame his cousin saying she had asked him to go over there. But I said to him that it's not his cousins fault because she didn't know the rules, he did.

He also tried to say he thought I'd said he could go to the big tree, which absolutely not. He doesn't like to take accountability we're working on that.

but he came over and said sorry for tonight mum, I should have listened. So hopefully after tonight he will listen, I will let him go further in time, but I've only been letting him out at all since the new years. And if I look outside and see kids his age playing on the feild I encourage him to go out and ask to join in, I just don't like not knowing where he is.

I think you have overreacted, you posted at 5.50pm saying tonight, it's broad daylight, they're in a very safe area. You probably could have shouted on them rather than dragging a sleeping infant outside.
Don't let your anxiety and worries rule your son's childhood.
In a few short years he'll be off to high school, you need to encourage independence and decision making not stifle him.

I don't want to ruin his childhood, but where he was was hidden by trees and I couldn't see him at all from the house, I was hardly going to accept him and my niece were missing, I don't think I over reacted. If I've given him an area he can play, told him I want to be able to see him and then he's all the way down the other end of the street behind some trees. I was panicked. 5:30pm or not

Also I don't think my measurements are quite up to scratch 😂

My 9yo has just started to play out. Hes been given strict boundaries and instructions and should these be broken, he'll lose his privileges (at least for a time).

Youve done the right thing in bringing them in and explaining.

Give him another chance.

If he continues to break rules then reconsider.

I think this is a massive overreaction. At 9 they're capable of walking to school and back and playing out of sight with instructions to "be back at 6pm" or whatever.

I also think waking up your one year old to go look for them was not necessary. The green is right outside your house. I'd have locked the door and gone out with the 4 year old and shouted on him first.

Why don't you get him a basic, old-school style mobile phone if you're nervous, and start giving him some more freedom.

9 might be year 4 rather than year 5, so not allowed to walk to school on their own yet. I'm being pedantic mind 😂

I wish my kids had somewhere like this to play out, right on the doorstep!

Everyone has their own boundaries. I started allowing my son to go to the park at 9. It's not far, just a few minutes walk, but I couldn't see him. I did talk seriously about how he must be home by a certain time and he must answer the (non smart) phone he had if I called. There were some anxious moments on my part when he was late or didn't answer the phone. I even went there on occasion looking for him. We had to have a conversation about how worried I was if he didn't stick to the rules. In general, however, I think it was good for him to have that independence.

he is in year 4 😄

and I know we're really lucky, we bought my DP's grandparents house and I wasn't convinced by the house at first but the field was amazing, and it has little paths that run through the field too perfect for learning to ride their bikes

Yes I would, my 9 year old is off to secondary next year. Will need to get a bus on his own into town, so we let him out to play with a friend.
It’s such an important part of child hood having independent time away from parents.
at 5 I was out playing with loads of kids and it’s the main thing I remember from my childhood. I barely went in the house in the summer holidays.

@Gemmahearts94 I can understand why you reacted the way you did.

I was previously a safeguarding officer and I've seen all sorts. I worked in quite a nice area. However, there were many issues taking place. So I see why you reacted the way you did. It's not a bad thing to have clear boundaries. You know your DC and with time you can reassess those boundaries.
I personally think it's important for children to respect and adhere to the rules/boundaries set by adults.

I feel as though you should probably have a chat with him about why you felt so cross with him and explain your reasoning. I believe if you just 'let it go' then he would get used to the idea of pushing/testing boundaries which is alright in other areas as that's a part of growing up but something like being out of sight or you not knowing where he's playing isn't acceptable.

You could say as it's the first time you'll give him the benefit of doubt but if it happens again there will be consequences. If he'd like to play somewhere new he should come and ask for your permission first.

@Gemmahearts94 forgot to mention, as PP have mentioned also promote independence but you know your DC/the area so that's up to you to assess how and when.

I've seen too much so I'd always take the better safe than sorry approach but obviously you can't cage your children as they'll just rebel and resent you for it as adults so it's about balance

In that sort of set up I think your boundaries are very strict.

That said, my DC got broader boundaries by proving they could be trusted with smaller ones. So that might be a way to broach it - if he proves he can stick to what you said, you'll let him have a bigger area that he can play in. Also consider getting him a brick phone? That's another way he can demonstrate you can trust - by keeping it charged up and answering if you call.

I would never have met my daughter go out to play at that age without adult supervision, but if I had, I would have been furious if she didn't keep within the agreed boundary.