Am I doing something wrong?

[tiredmumoftwo1]

2 year old ds1 is such a handful. He literally will not listen and laughs when he gets told off.

He throws things. Tries to hit his younger brother. Tries to hit me (finds it hilarious when I say no firmly)

Is this normal?

I try and be firm. I take things away. We have tried the naughty step etc. but he just laughs! It's like the more I say no, the more it encourages him to be naughty.

Don't get me wrong, he has very sweet moments. He's good with his speech, loves books, being outdoors, can be very cuddly etc. but mainly, hard work 😅 help!!

You are "trying to be firm"- how many times do you ask before you take things away or remove him?

If you keep saying no, it will lose its meaning. Ask him once nicely, one more time if he ignores you and then remove the toy or him without engaging. If he throws a tantrum, let him. After he calmed down, comfort him and explain what he did wrong.
I have a 2 years 3 months old who also love testing her boundaries. It is hard!

Ah the terrible toddler years - they do really test yah. From the sounds of it you're not doing anything wrong - he's just got a bit of a naughty streak at the moment. With time it will calm down.

I would suggest continuing to set firm boundaries and explain to him why certain naughty things are bad. But you cannot reason with a toddler.

There are lots of reasons he could be acting out, most likely he's got a lot of big emotions he's dealing with and needs a naughty outlet to get them out. Talk him through any tantrums or fits of naughty behaviour. Stay firm and strong.

Remember this is just a phase.

@Katherina198819 thank you. I think I probably need to be quicker in taking things away. I probably say 'no' a good 5 times before I eventually resort to taking the item away!

Third strike and he's out. In other words, two firm no's and then the thing and/or him gets removed. The terrible two's are horrendous.

No advice just a bit of solidarity, as I have exactly the same 2 year old 💐

I'm trying to give him some more independance so he feels grown up, so he's learning how to dress and undress himself, and use a knife and fork! It's a bit more work for me, but I'm hoping it pays off 🫠

Its such a tough age, especially if you've a younger one too!! I found doing a bit of research and agreeing with my husband on some ground rules helped at this age. Consistency is key, so you want to be sure of your tactics and strategy and you need everyone on the same page! I had a read of "No drama Discipline", "How to talk so Little kids will Listen" and "the whole brain child"
It helps to learn why they test boundaries, it's a phase, they're learning their way and at this age they have very little empathy so they can't really see someone else's perspective- you have to help them learn and develop these things...

It'll get better! I found 4 a really lovely age if that's any consolation and it will come around soon..

Simplify the rules for you and for him. One warning, then consequence. E.g.
He throws a toy. "DS we don't throw toys. If you throw toys we'll have to put them away to stop people getting hurt". Throws toy again. "I'm putting the toy away. You can try playing with it again tomorrow."

Hits baby. "We do not hit. Hitting hurts people. We touch baby on their tummy or back gently, like this". Goes to hit baby again (stay very close if he's in a hitting mood, you need to be ready to physically block him). "I'm moving you away because you're hitting. You play over here by yourself. Mummy and baby will play together because we are playing gently". Get him to show he can be gentle before rejoining.

Rinse and repeat. It does get easier. The other thing that made a big difference for us was getting him to ask for help if he felt like he was worried or like hitting. Normally this would be when another child was approaching a toy he was playing with so I'd position myself to shield him if needed.

Most parenting is actually about looking inward at ourselves - our own expectations and how we manage our own feelings. In general, we expect our kids to be more capable and developed than they actually are.
Your toddler is behaving exactly as a toddler should. That doesn’t mean you have to let him hurt you or others, or beak things. You can hold a boundary, eg: I will not let you hit, hitting hurts” or “I will not let you throw toys” and calmly remove the toy, perhaps first modelling gentle play. But time outs, threatening a consequence etc is counter- productive and beyond a toddler’s understanding.
Isolation/saying he has to play alone or in any way excluding him is also not a great idea. He won’t understand. He just learns: when I have big feelings/mess up = I’m not worthy of love/connection.
Dr Martha has a fantastic book out and lots of free content on Insta.
And huge solidarity. My 3rd is 18yo this and he’s just starting with all the big feelings and testing out his throwing arm!

I agree a time out alone doesn't achieve anything, but there's no way I'm letting a rampaging toddler play with a baby. So he can stay in the room but play alone until he's ready to come and have a cuddle and show he can do gentle hands. He doesn't have to have the skills to calm himself and regulate emotion, but he does need to become aware that he can't play if he's hitting. As parents we need to keep other siblings safe, and that means either the toddler doesn't play or the baby (and therefore parent) leave to keep them safe. And I would rather be in the same room as him.

One warning followed by a consequence. And a lot of it will be attention seeking /boredom so to tackle that;
• A very definite routine to each day.
•outdoor time each day
• Play with him.
• Get him to "help" you with jobs.

Throwing or hitting results in putting him away from you. He must not win attention for bad behaviour.

At two I think controlling the environment is huge and shouldn't be overestimated - so if you can see he's in the kind of mood where he'll hit the baby, separate them and engage him in some activity.

Anything thrown gets removed also and you could redirect to another activity (maybe one where throwing is encouraged, like bean bags/soft balls towards a target).

Also 2 year olds are like dogs - they need a daily walk and some focused positive attention every single day. Some are high energy and will need 2.

You will get better results from showing him what you want and rewarding/encouraging this rather than punishing what you don't. So for example when he wants to snatch a toy from the baby, show him that he can offer the baby a different toy to get the baby to drop the toy he wants.

Always back up an instruction with action e.g. "Don't touch that" while blocking access. At two verbal instruction is not enough on its own.

Also pre-empting causes of behaviour so ensuring he's not hungry, tired, or bored can help a lot, trying to keep on top of these things.

If baby sibling is new then that can unsettle them, too.

As you say, he doesn’t have the skills to calm/regulate. So what do you think he’ll learn if you exclude him? Even if he understands that hitting = I can’t join in (and I think you’re expecting a lot of a 2 year old to make that link), he can’t make that good choice in the moment yet. He’s too young developmentally to have the impulse control to stop before hitting out in frustration.
You can keep the baby safe without excluding the toddler. You may need to pause briefly to move the baby to a place of safety, but then you can sit with toddler and help him through the meltdown or redirect or whatever. There’s too much to write here, I really would recommend looking into it further. But exclusionary methods of discipline are not helpful in the short or long term.