Looking for advice - ready to have a baby but would be doing it with a husband who works a lot

[Daisylondon37]

Hello,

I am looking for advice from other mums or new mums.

I have been with my Partner for 7 years now. I am 37 years old and have been waiting for the right time to try for a baby.
My and my partner have had so many conversations over the past few years about me wanting to be a mum. He has two kids from a previous relationship and is happy to have a baby as I would like to have a child of my own. He is a fantastic father to his kids.
it feels a little lonely knowing we would be going into this a little one sided as I know he is doing it for me.
We were waiting as now his kids are completely independent and not living with us full time which gives us a little more privacy.

He also works and travels a lot. Luckily he normally travels for 7-10 days at a time so not to long a stretch.

His job is very important to him. So I know I would be the main carer and home alone at times.

Are there any mums in similar situations or have been?

Did you find happiness doing most of the caring alone?

I am not from the UK I moved here for my partners work so have no close friends or close family here.

On one side it would be nice for me to have my own family and to have a blood relative here as I don’t see us moving back to my country ever.
Maybe I’ll make some nice mum friends and have a community.

But the other part of me worries I’ll have less time to spend with my partner, won’t be able to take the odd trip with him and tag along on his work trips and feel alone with less quality time with him.

I don’t know whether to be happy with a child free life as we do have a lovely life together.

The unknown is so hard and the decision is all on me as he said we can try for a baby if I want.

I feel very confused, I know how hard children are and how amazing they are also.

Im guessing even first time parents the mum does most the work in the majority of the family homes.

Im not sure what exactly I am asking here.

I guess if my partner was really excited to be a dad I would be not doubting my decision.
But when things get tough I know the decision was mine and that would be hard for me.

Honestly it doesn't sound like a great set up to me.

37 years old with a man who's been there and done it twice and isn't really fussed about having another child. His job is too important to him to change his current set up to be around more for his wife and baby.

My husband works away for a week at a time 3 times a year. I can cope with that. How often will yours be away? I have friends who have husbands in the armed forces and navy. Their husbands hardly ever around. I couldn't do what they do.

Also, if you have a baby, but things don't work out with your partner, it may be very difficult for you to move back to your home country. So be prepared also to do it very much alone,without a support network, or speak with your partner if he'd be willing for you to move back in this case (and is there a way to make this legally bounding)

Right now he is away for a week. It has taken this long to get where he is and he is currently running a company so he can carve out time for us sometimes but there are certain meetings and tournaments he must attend every year. He is in the sports industry. The good side of it is we are trying to set up our life to be financially stable and be able to retire with enough money to live off in 15 years ish. He really is the most amazing supportive husband. Fun, caring and supportive. One thing I like about him is he is 100% honest. He said if it’s important to me to have a baby he will be there for me but it’s not something he needs or dreams about. I feel lucky I know he is a good dad in one way at least that’s known.

maybe every 1 or 2 months he travels for a week. As it’s sports it’s a lot sometimes and a then two months off.
I love him so I know I would not want to leave him just to have a baby as I really think to be happy a balance for me is everything.
job, family, fitness, friends

IV waited this long as I wanted to be sure I was with someone I really liked. He is very good at working to make our relationship happy and strong and is very good communicator. I know things can not work out no matter the situation.
i come from a single parent household so know I would never want to be in that situation.

I might talk to him about this, what would happen if we wanted to separate and we had a child

I can't imagine having a child with someone who didn't want it as much as I did.

Look after yourself whatever you decide to do.

If you do decide to have a child and if you're not married, please make sure you're in a secure position. What I mean is this: my friend was with her partner for years, not married, house in his name, she raised the kids, gave up pension contributions and her own income, then he met someone else. She wasn't entitled to anything. She'd sacrificed her career to raise kids, she created the home, but she had to leave. We all think it won't happen to us. But just in case: protect yourself.

Not exactly the same situation as you but my DH leaves for work at 5am and get home around 9pm so all the hours my DS is awake I do the caring and I'm home alone with him. I also do all night wakings etc so even though he doesn't work away as much (maybe once a quarter) tbh I don't find it much difference when he does.
As it's Mumsnet I have to caveat this because Ill get flamed for doing all night wakings. My husband working so hard allows me to work part time. He funds my lifestyle, pays for my car etc

Do you work and would you plan on going back to work after having the baby? I ask this because I absolutely hated maternity leave. I have plenty of friends but they all work so I spent my days alone and it was isolating, lonely and tbh there were some dark days where I didn't think I'd make it out the other end. My saving grace was my parents are retired and live semi nearby so would pop over twice a week. Without that I don't know what i would have done. I'm back working part time now and I know having that something for myself makes me a better mum.

The mental pressure is a lot. If baby is sick, and they will get sick, all the worry of are they well enough for me to look after them at home, should I be going to the doctor, taking them to a&e will be on you. There's no one there to run your concerns by.

It's so repetitive in the early days. Mind numbingly so. Without family to break that cycle would be really difficult.

I also think having a child later on can be a much bigger shock to the system. Especially if you live a good life like you say. I loved my pre child life. I also worked in London and would meet my DH after work on a Friday and go for cocktails etc we would holiday multiple times a year. Giving that up and being thrown into sleep deprivation, monotonous feeding, being lonely etc really hit me

However, now I am back at work and DS is 18 months I love it and wouldn't change it for the world. It is actually like hanging out with my mini best friend. The love you feel for your own child... I can't even begin to explain it. I absolutely would not be without my DS and he brings me happiness I didn't even know existed before him. I love it so much I'm actually having another.
It's a tough decision. If you really really really want to be a mum please know it will be hard. But if you're unsure... I'm not sure how you'll get through those early days.

I think you are underestimating your ability to cope.

I also think that many men aren't 'broody' and a huge number have children feeling quite neutral about it- and only do so as their partners want a baby.

Given your partner already has children, he's likely not to be as excited as a man who's never had any.

My husband worked away a lot. His daily work meant he was out of the house from 8am- 7pm most days. I had no family around. Although I'm from the UK I moved to be in his area (because of his work) when we married, so I knew no one really.

He'd be away for a week or more sometimes every few weeks.

Honestly, you just cope. You would meet other mums at classes or groups where you could take your baby.

As others have said, do you work and are you financially independent? If not do think about it. The worst thing would be if you had a baby and your relationship ended and you had no means of supporting yourself or able to return to a career.

My husband works away. It's not for long spells but probably averages out at about a 5 work days a month (usually not all at once).

For me I found it ok with one child. But I'm really struggling with two. My family aren't around either. I have a full time job. When he is away I find it really hard to keep up with work. We don't have great childcare and it's tricky to get home on time. It's also exhausting - basically I get up at 6 and don't have break until 9.30 pm. I've had to step back from my career as I can't give my career the energy it needs. I don't have to do this a lot but it takes its toll.

We argue about it as I would like him to find a more family friendly role. I also feel like my own career is on the back burner. This isn't fair. I do resent it a bit to be honest. We are going to get a part time nanny next year to help.

I would ask you the following;

Are you happy to sacrifice your career? If not you need to be able to source good quality childcare to cover for your husband when he isn't there. Childcare is essentially an extra job you do either side of your actual job. If you have no help you do this additional job alone. It's hard. Get as much help as you can. Don't feel guilty about it.

Do you make friends easily? There are lots of opportunities to make mum pals but you need to put in the effort. Mum and baby things aren't always that sociable so you need to keep trying new ones until you find a good one.

Will your husband step up when he is home? If you do a week of childcare alone you will be shattered and probably lonely. He needs to help you out and give you a break otherwise you might feel resentful.

Do you think you'll want more than one? As I said, I found one child fine with a travelling partner. Two plus is double trouble. I think you need to keep communication open re the job. You don't know how you will feel with one/two/three kids. Is changing his job an option?

I think these are the key things to consider. But just to say, I don't regret having my children at all. It's tough but totally worth it.

This!

You will cope fine!
My husband works a lot, we have no family or friends around who could help, I work from home and my husband's father is living with us who has advanced dementia.

I'm not saying it's easy, but it's worth it.

In the early years this was my life . I gave up a good career to raise children and do not regret it at all . However I have the security of being married and my DH wanted the children as much as me although he already had a child .

Many women single parent and there are many women parenting with DH working away . Provided you are organised you will cope fine . Your future financial security though is a bigger issue

Some good points made already but a question: do you think it's fair to your child for you to have them knowing their father isn't that bothered and will rarely see them? How do you see that scenario playing out if you seperate?

You will be absolutely fine, lots of people cope well when a partner is travelling I wouldn't be worried about that aspect.
My first observation is that at 37 you are running out of time. There is no good time to have a baby to be honest. Will you regret it at 50? Are you willing to leave this good relationship to go and find someone else and risk not finding someone to have a baby with?
As this is an anonymous forum I would say this: go for it but be all in. Get married especially as (you don't specify if you are working) it seems his work will at least for the next decade be more important than yours. You need to financially protect you and your child.

Having a child is such a meaningful experience, hard work, yes, but don't let the possibility that you might feel resentful that you are "stuck with the baby." You might find, as I did that it's very tough but an absolute joy to see them grow up and some of the best people I know are those I met at different stages of parenting.

My ex was CEO of a company. I had a dc knowing that I would be raising the child mostly by myself. I accepted that, and so did he.

I think if you understand that is the case, then you go in with your eyes open. I think it requires a certain resourcefulness. I was occasionally lonely, and returned to work when ds was 2. Life has been busy, but very happy. DS is a happy, well balanced boy. We are very close.

My relationship with ex ended for a completely unrelated reason, but ex has continued to see ds for a few hours a week.

Thanks for your positive response.

I have always imagined myself with one child, I would prefer to give my energy and love to one child and I know that would be enough for me.
Easier to travel with one child and it would fit our life a little better.

I have worked very hard since I was young and have changed careers a couple of times.
I have always wanted to be self sufficient and bought my own house back in my country a while ago now so it is paid off and I do make a small income from it each year which is my emergency funds.
I do work, I’m self employed, and I love my job.
Luckily it is very flexible and I would have to have a break for a little while if I had a baby but could start again when I feel ready.
My job is good in a way as I can work half days or at chunks at a time. I make a good hourly rate but if I don’t work I don’t make money.
its not a job that you work your way up, so I would not feel I have to put it on hold or hold back my career.

We do plan to get married very soon, life just never slows down enough for me to want to organise a wedding 😂
We just bought our dream home together and co own it so that’s what we have been working on for past 2 years as having a lovely big home with a garden was both a dream for us before spending the money on a wedding.

I think some people on this forum say it is not great he is going into it not wanting a baby 100% but I know a lot of men who go along with having children and for a lot of men it’s not a priority but a part of life. It does not mean he does not love and care for his children and is not a present parent. He actually is so much more connected to his two children then their mother.

I think relationships can work out children or no children and it does obviously make it harder when a child is involved but being a little older going into it we really know what we want in a relationship and talk everything through.

My partner would travel sometimes yes but he is the most present caring person even when he is away.

@foxblue I never said he would rarely see them. Being away a week every month or two I would not personally call rarely seeing them.
He is happpy to have a baby as I would like to have one I would say it’s not a priority to have another child but he is not looking at it like it’s an unwanted child.

Thanks for your input.

I am self employed and earn an ok salary. The more I work the more I earn but I like to have a good balance so I could probably earn more if I wanted. I love keeping fit and working out so iv found a happy medium I earn enough to have my own money but not really career driven I used to be a professional athlete so corporate life is not appealing to me.

He also really didn’t want a dog and now he cuddles it none stop and talks about how much he misses her when he is away 🤣
lets hope he feels the same way about a baby 😉

my previous relationship my boyfriend really wanted a baby but I just felt like the relationship was meh. Nothing bad but nothing special.
So I know having a baby is not my everything. I’d rather be happy with my husband I guess then unhappy with a baby.
The hard thing is I actually want a baby with this man as he is amazing. I haven’t met anyone like him and part of him being so driven and smart is what I like about him.

I personally don’t think it’s fair to have a kid with someone who doesn’t want it as much you. And I’d seriously consider getting married to give you financial protection, particularly as I can see you’ll do most of childcare and probably work less.

Please please follow this advice. Protect yourself and the potential child.

I married a military man, done over 18 years looking after our children mostly on my own. He worked his way up to earn more allowing me to be a sahm.
Financially I would be a bit screwed without him, not the best position but never really thought about it all those years ago.

m advice would be to only have a baby if you are (a) married and (b) can afford support when your husband is away. If you were ill or injured the last thing you want is to be home alone with a tiny baby.

We do plan to get married very soon, life just never slows down enough for me to want to organise a wedding

OP you don't have to have a big elaborate wedding. Set a date, book a registry office for the (short) ceremony, invite your families if you want to, go out for a nice meal with them afterwards. Job done.

Personally I wouldn't have been prepares to have a baby with a DH who worked away a lot. For me parenting is a partnership and I have never struggled with certain aspects like loneliness or relentlessness, despite being a sahm, because my DH is very present. He used to work away for 1-2 weeks a year before we had dcs, but he has opted not to do any work trips since we've had dcs. I feel very supported as he helps with all the morning routines, does the school run for my eldest while I get the baby ready, and is home an hour after I bring my dd home from school, so I don't do much solo parenting at all. We spend all our weekends together. I know some parents do more solo parenting and are happy with that so it depends on what kind of parent you are really.

I agree with pp about being married, and also about getting a move on as you are 37. I had my eldest aged 38 and it took almost 2 years to conceive.

I don't think that it's a big problem if your DH is less enthusiastic than you about having a baby, as long as he's supportive.

@Daisylondon37 also to give you some reassurance re your age... I had my first at 36/7 and second at 39. First conceived in one month and 2nd in 3 months.
Yes, don't leave it much longer but it's more than possible to have kids after 35.
I would t describe 37 as 'later in life ' either! 😂