Father wants an extra 6 hours a month with 4 year old

[jamjoejar]

Hi

4 year old's Mum lives 2 hours away, she doesn't drive (she moved when son was a year old)
For 3 years we split care as close to 50/50 as possible.
This time last year, Mum applied to court to reduce the time to every other weekend, go to one Facetime call a week - down from every other day and a lives with order in her favour.
Reason given was that free childcare was now available and so our son didn't need to be with me so often.

I agreed to the lives with and the every other weekend. Fought against Facetime reduction and court ordered a minimum of 2 calls every week.

Our son has struggled with the reduction in contact since September. He gets upset and asks if he can see/call Dad. Mum apparently responds by saying she doesn't have Dad's number.

Currently, our son is with me from Friday at 1PM - Monday at 5PM every other week. He will be starting school in September and because of the distance, I won't be able to drop him at school on a Monday.

I've asked his Mum if we could think about me picking son up from school on a Monday after the weekend he's with her, taking him out for dinner and dropping him to her at about 6PM. I haven't had a response as expected.

Does anyone here believe it's an unreasonable request?

It's sounds very reasonable.

Is there no option to move closer, it's so unfair she moved.

Thanks for your reply.
My business is here - where Mum lived, a while before her court application I mentioned that I intended to move closer and travel to work, so we could continue nearly 50/50 care of our son. I think this is the reason everything kicked off - she clearly didn't like that idea. I'm not one to kowtow, but after it was mentioned everything seemed to become very difficult for our son - that's why i chose not to pursue moving closer for the time being.

Seeing more of your son is obviously all good and reasonable. We're not getting mum's perspective here, but on the face of it is does seem a shame that it has to go through courts and you can't reach amicable arrangement together.

Move close enough and get legal advice so she can't move again.

Based on your side only.

Yes, there are 3 sides to every story - Mum's, mine, then one that sits closer to the truth.

Long story short, Mum was pregnant within 3/4 weeks of us knowing each other. I knew very early on she wasn't my kind of person, but tried very hard to make it work. When our son was 4 months I made the hard decision to leave. But I've always continued to parent and care for our son.

We absolutely haven't got on over the years. We can both be rude and disrespectful at times.

It really is a shame it has to go through court - it's such a draining experience.

How were you doing 50:50 when you lived 2 hours apart?

Might it not really be the case that your ex realised that once your DS was at school the arrangement wouldn't work and she wanted to get an agreement or CAO in place in plenty of time?

If two calls a week is court ordered then don't make out that it's his mum stopping extra calls. Explain you'll speak in a couple of days instead of making something more of it. She doesn't have to allow him to call more often and you're not being fair not to back her up. What do you want her to say to him? If you're using this to manipulate him, you aren't thinking of his best interests.

I can sense the desperation and sadness in your post. So many children who's Dads do a runner would love to have a Dad like you who wants to be in their life. She sounds like she is trying to push you out to the very minimal contact in my opinion. Don't let her control things.

Maybe you’re jumping to conclusions here. I don’t manipulate our son - I explain we have set phone calls.
Court ordered a minimum of 2 and hoped more could be arranged - for our son’s sake given the huge reduction in contact.
Very interesting that this is the thing you pulled out from the entire post.

I had our son 3 days every week. I’d pick him up and drop him back. Lots of travelling for him, I know. But I obviously didn’t get a say in her moving.

No I don’t think that’s the case, considering I’d said I’d like to move closer to continue the near 50:50 care

Why was she allowed to move away?

You said your DS was getting upset. I was interested to hear what you were doing to manage rather than escalate that within the terms of the CAO.

For whatever reason, the court saw fit to reduce contact and reduce calls. Now, not so long since that order was made, you are looking to vary the terms and that is a red flag to me.

I do everything I can to help our son process his emotions. I don’t use this to try and manipulate the situation and I just want him to feel secure and loved and have consistency.

Aside from the whys of the reduction in the lead up to him going to school in September - I currently have him Friday to Monday - this can’t continue while he’s at school for obvious reasons. After a full year of this current CAO I’m wondering if it’s reasonable to try suggest I do the travel for a Monday night dinner given my son has expressed that he is already struggling with the reduction (in the ways he’s able to communicate it!) and I currently see him on Mondays… so less of a demand of a variation but more of an - at the moment we see each other Mondays new because of school we’ll lose that - how about a dinner for continuity.

I never hear people on MN saying 'based only on your side of the story' to women 🙄

I think the Monday night dinner is a lovely idea and in your sons best interest and I can't see any reason why she wouldn't agree to this - one meal she doesn't have to cook herself but child is still back at a decent time ready for bath and bedtime - I'd definitely agree to this as the mum!

I can't see a court not allowing this. Often contact arrangements include every other weekend and one evening contact.

She's a bitch and will continue to wreck your relationship with your son without considering or even caring about how damaging it is to the boy, as long as she can be spiteful towards you.

Is mum working? Surely if you had your son more as requested this could only help with this?