Pre schooler aged classes and behaviour

[Boymama87]

Hi All,

Im sorry this is so long but i just wanted a bit of advice from anyone with slightly older kids who’s been there done that.

I have a pre schooler (who goes 3 days a week) due to start school in September, he will be 4 in June. He’s a bright button, can ride and bike, swim unaided, loves hearing stories (but limited interest in reading/writing himself). He walked/talked/potty trained fairly early and hit all his milestones at the usual times. He’s extremely physical and active and needs lots of time spent exerting energy eg at the park, biking etc and always has done. I would say imaginative play has been slow to develop but has been increasing slowly over time.

He did 2 days a week nursery aged 2-3 and then has done 3 days a week pre school since September. Both nursery and pre school have never reported any problems (I’ve asked) and when I have specifically asked, they’ve said he’s very engaged, joins in with everything asked and is often one of the first to have a go.

However, when my husband or I have ever tried to do external classes with him (football/tennis/swimming/music - all things he enjoys in a free play type situation) he seems to become overcome with anxiety that he CANNOT participate. He goes one of 2 ways. He either becomes completely wild and refuses to listen, do what anyone else is doing and will do completely his own thing/lay on the floor and do nothing. OR he will become a complete hysterical mess and howl and cry for us and refuse to take part in this way.

he’s been begging us to do swimming lessons for weeks so I’ve finally found a class for him and he spent week 3 howling and crying hysterical for the whole 30mins. He LOVES water and loves swimming so I know it’s not that.

Now I understand he’s still a toddler, but my fear is that he actually has an issue with anxiety and avoidance. Almost like a performance anxiety. Has anyone else had a toddler like this who has gone on to cope fine with school?

My major worry is that once school gets less play based and child initiated in y1/2 that he will completely fall apart.

It’s keeping me up at night because I just don’t know how to help him. I’ve tried being emotionally and physically supportive during classes, I’ve tried being more firm and ‘leaving him to it’. Nothing works.

If you’ve read this far, thank you. If anyone has any advice/stories that will help please do share. It’s breaking my heart to think of how much he might struggle in the future if this is anything to go by.

He’s not a toddler - he’s turning 4 next month and starting school in September so don’t think this is toddler behaviour.
He sounds anxious. Is there a possibility that you or his dad pressurise him in a way that his pre-school teachers don’t?

Sounds like my 10yo DD at that age. She was diagnosed with PDA three years ago.

He hasn't even started school yet.
He is 3
He isn't ready for formal activities outside school. As is completely normal for 3 year olds (and indeed, 4 and 5 year olds).

He is fine in age appropriate situations, as his Nursery teachers have told you.

It does sound too much at that age.

My DS was a bit like that at anything educational I tried to do with him. Just couldn't cope or dug his heels in.

However once he started school he was completely different there. Being with a whole class of others with the same abilities made him feel less pressured. Now towards the end of his first year and he's got so much more confidence both in and out of school.

I have a young 3 year old, and he does seem
to behave differently at nursery than when with us. Nursery tell us he loves getting involved and loves certain activities. He goes to a couple of age appropriate classes and when he started he refused to participate and even now, can be reluctant at times and stays close to me / DH. He’s also been the same when I’ve been at nursery for a party, etc, which they say is unusual for him. So I do think that having a parent around can sometimes be detrimental.

For example, he absolutely loves to sing and dance, both at home and at nursery. In one of the classes I take him to, it starts and finishes with a song and a dance, yet he always refuses to take part, even though nursery agree it’s one of his favourite things. During one of the classes, I had to sit on the side to feed his baby brother, and with him alone in the circle without me there, he started singing and dancing.

I wouldn’t worry about it - they can be very different in different environments.

@erere so your DD was similar in/out of school at this age? As in seemingly able to cope in pre school but not in external classes with you?
how has she coped with school?

@NewName24 yes I do keep thinking that at this age they don’t need to be doing structured classes and am I just finding a problem where there isn’t necessarily one by trying to take him. But then I look at all the other 3yos joining in and think or it is? I don’t know 😔

@HideTheRockyBars thank you - this is reassuring.

@GreenFairies yes, I’m a primary teacher so I’ve seen first hand how different children can behave at school vs with their parents. I wonder if that’s half the problem tbh. I suppose I just have to hope it’s nothing more than that and not anything more serious.

@GrazingSheep I disagree, he’s coming up to 4 at the end of June, but he’s still 3 and imo still a toddler. If he were born in September he could still be in nursey at 3y11m and not starting school for another year but as it happens he’s not. But that’s just nit picking at the point of my post really.
No, I wouldn’t say we are ‘pressuring’ him. Like I said, he’s 3. We’ve tried classes because these seem to be things he really enjoys and have alwahs been loving and supportive and positive with him.
But thank you for your comment.

M son is 4 op and very similar in that he can't cope with "classes" at all. We just don't do them now tbh, we'll wait until he's a bit older.

If it helps, many of my friends say the same. They either mess about or get nervous/shy. I think it's pretty normal.

Maybe look out for things where you just pay on the day if it's something you think he'd enjoy? Then you can try it, but if it's a disaster you're not out for a blocks worth of fees?

I think that if he’s taking part in activities in pre-school, he’ll be fine at school and the move from play-based learning to more formal learning in Year 1 seemed quite gradual.

Have you only just started taking him to ‘formal’ classes now? I found age 3-4 more tricky in terms of tantrums than the terrible twos, and any new activity could have gone badly (though my DD was fine at nursery and joined in with activities ). We’d started swimming classes before she was 1 so she was used to the routine, but I can see that it wouldn’t have gone so smoothly at age 3 or 4.

I wouldn’t worry about it. My dc was the same at 3 and 4 even though they went to nursery full time. They would happily join in everything at nursery but not outside. I think it is because they are familiar with the nursery setting. When they turned 5 it wasn’t a problem anymore, and now happy to go and do all types of different classes and holiday clubs.

@Fivebyfive2 thanks for your reply. Yeah we do lots of the more casual stuff like gymnastics stay and plays, nature toddler groups, normal village hall type toddler groups and your usual park/softplay/biking type stuff. He’s absolutely fine when it’s free, it’s just when it’s ‘organised’ and they’re all expected to go and do something at the same time that he struggles. But all the things we’ve tried, the things they’re being asked to do he could do easily, and more importantly enjoys outside of a class, so I can only assume it’s like a performance anxiety type thing. Yeah I should perhaps just leave it and hope it improves as he gets older. I’m probably making a problem for myself by trying these things with him!

@EllieQ no, I did a music class from when he was about 12m-2. I always assumed with that, that he just wasn’t that into music. So we then did football (which I KNOW) he loves from around 22m - 3. That was hit and miss. Some weeks were ok, not great, but ok, and lots of weeks were awful and more stress than it was worth. Since sept we’ve done tennis which I have to say is more successful after a slow start. But that is run by a pre school dad and all the kids who go are from his pre school so he knows them. We have just done week 3 of this new swimming class, which he’s been begging to do, and it’s going horribly, which is what has prompted me to post. I do think some of it will be due to the unfamiliar pool (there’s no space at any of the pools we usually go to), unfamiliar teachers and kids and the fact that there are multiple lessons going on at once so it’s quite a lot in a sensory sense. I’m just fearful that it’s more than just that though.

@Dal8257 thank you, that really is very reassuring ❤️