Pregnant again and physically struggling to mum

[Pixiecorn]

Sorry for long post. I’m a first time mum to a 10 month old little boy. I have fibromyalgia (and have done for 10+ years) but I have always tried to push through and carry on, but I have found this harder to do since having my first. I had him via c-section and I have had such bad, constant lower back pain since. I am also currently 25 weeks pregnant with my second (not planned).

With the fibro and the back issue, on top of the pregnancy fatigue and pain, I am really struggling physically to manage lifting and carrying my 10 month old.

He is also in a very clingy stage so constantly grabbing / clinging / climbing on me, which is exhausting and painful.

He is a pretty good sleeper, normally only waking once or twice a night and just needing a feed and/or cuddle to go back to sleep, however when he is unwell (he started nursery a few weeks ago, has had a couple of different illnesses already) he obviously struggles more and needs more comfort at night to go back to sleep.

On both of these occasions, after a few times of him waking and me settling him back down, I have to ask my husband to help me for the rest of any wake ups during the night as I find after a few repeat bending over to get him in/out the cot, having to hold and rock him or carry him downstairs, is causing so much pain to the point I’m in tears.. and sometimes it can take an hour or 2 to settle him back down.

Although my husband does step in to help, he makes it clear that he isn’t happy about it. This makes me think I’m asking too much for help.

We normally alternate who is on bedtime and if it is his night and LB is waking up more than usual, he can manage and doesn’t ask for help, which he has also pointed out to me.

Is there anyone else who has similar struggles and is there anything that has helped? I am feeling very inadequate and would love to not be as dependent on husband to help.

Thank you for any advice, and sorry again for the long post.

Have you pointed out to him that he isn't 25 weeks pregnant?

What an utterly selfish man.

Step back from doing night wakes and let him handle them all.

Ok so 1) your DH needs to make allowances for your health issues and your pregnancy so what he can do as a healthy non pregnant person us irrelevant, he needs to help as needed. 2) Have you investigated if there's any help for your back pain - physio, medication, massage etc? Appreciate it's tricky when pregnant but if there's anything yo help that would probably make w big difference to you. 3) Is there anyone else who can help, perhaps taking little one overnight for you or during the day so you can rest more? 4) Be kinder to yourself - being pregnant is hard, having a baby is hard, and managing pain is hard, and you are doing all this at once. Make sure you're getting the support, rest, and me time you need - stress could exacerbate your pain.

I did actually point this out when he brought up him not asking for help on his nights.

He says he knows I’m pregnant and that he needs to help out more, and it’s just in the moment he gets wound up about it...for selfish reasons.

I think he hasn't quite come to terms with the fact he has a child to put first now 😓

1. I think you may be right, I get terrible guilt asking for help and his reactions in the moment worsen this. 2. I used to have medication for pain but before I was pregnant but I found changing my diet/exercise routine actually helped significantly with that so I currently do not take any medication. I've struggled to continue this though since having my son. I have started seeing a physiotherapist as well, although the exercises haven’t been helping yet but it’s only been a couple weeks so far. 3. Unfortunately our circle is very small. It is basically just me and my husband. 4. Thank you for your kind comments ❤️ and I would probably be telling someone else the same, just need to learn it myself..

To reduce the guilt and also the 'reactions in the moment' tell him he needs to handle all night wakings going forward

Your husband is a total arsehole. And he isn’t ‘helping’, he is parenting. I hope you have supportive family and friends as this doesn’t bode well for the future.

I agree your husband needs to help at night but if he's saying thes things at 2am for example I wouldn't think he actually means them. I've certainly said things I regret in the middle of sleep deprivation. It's middle of the night and he's tired. Have you had a conversation with him in the day time?

I'm pregnant with my second, 22 weeks, and struggling with night wakes without any health issues so I feel for you! It's hard.

If it is his night and LB is waking up more than usual, he can manage and doesn’t ask for help, which he has also pointed out to me.

What does he want, a medal?! He's a parent, not a babysitter, doing half of the bedtimes is the bare minimum, he should be doing more given you are pregnant while still healing from your C-section and have a pre-existing health condition. He needs to get his act together because it's going to get harder, not easier, over the next couple of months. Set the expectation that DH might need to do the majority of the physical stuff (hopefully it won't be that bad but really helpful should be at least offering to do as much as he can)

Are you both back at work?