Please help

[C26]

Hello, I’m new to MN and I just need some advice/help/tell me it gets better.

I have a newborn baby (9 weeks) and a nearly 4yo. DC is going through a very challenging phase at the moment, moans and whines at everything which I find incredibly frustrating, I know all toddlers do this- just goes straight though me.

My main problem is when it comes to bedtime- DC just won’t go to bed when it’s me on my own (my husband goes out with his friends/work colleagues/client diners multiple nights a week and happily leaves me to do bedtime alone but that’s another story) DC starts playing up before bath time, things like pulling all the sofa cushions off, taking toys off the shelves in the playroom when I’ve tidied up etc. I try to feed the baby who is EBF before I start bath time and put baby down in their cot so DC has me all to themselves. We then get in bed and read a story, DC will lay nicely for 5 mins then tries to get out of bed, hits me, kicks me, says “I’m not tired” even though I know they are. We dropped the daytime nap a long time ago and even if a day time nap does happen like today in the car, it’s still the same shit show at bedtime. I’ve tried different times, gentle approach, shouting, leaving DC to cry it out- you name it. This also doesn’t (or rarely) happens when it’s my husband doing bedtime fyi

It’s a constant cycle of laying in bed with DC trying to get them to sleep and then the baby crying and needing me, then DC crying because I’ve left them. Today bedtime took 2 hours, I feel like I’ve tried it all and I am honestly at breaking point, please please be kind 🥺

(my husband goes out with his friends/work colleagues/client diners multiple nights a week and happily leaves me to do bedtime alone but that’s another story)

Is it another story or is it a factor in why you're at the end of your tether? If he were to come home and parent things might be more manageable?

You need to have a conversation with your DH, him being out for bedtimes isn't working and isn't fair on you.

Yes to be honest I don’t feel supported by him. The trouble is bedtime isn’t like this for him and he also doesn’t have a baby who’s reliant on him when they’re hungry so he doesn’t understand how hard it is. I have had the conversation but it obviously went in one ear and out the other

Well it seems DC is able to go to bed as they will for DH. I imagine DH is being more no-nonsense with them and DC is clearly playing you OP. No magic tricks unfortunately just be very firm with DC. After story it's bed time. Night night DC. Leave the room. If they create/cry whatever then leave them for a while. Then go back in and say, it's bedtime, go to sleep. Or if they get up, just put them back to bed, don't make eye contact or talk. If it happens again then just repeat the same thing. It will be very tedious and a bit stressful for maybe a week or 2 but you'll have a terrible 2 weeks anyway with them acting like this (any many more if you don't fix it) so it'll be well worth the hard work! They will learn to go to sleep and stop playing you if they know you'll not let them get away with it.

How much 1:1 does DC4 get with you for the rest of the day? Occurs to me that if this is the only time they get you all to themself, might be trying to extend it/string it out. If gets 1:1 playtime with DH when is home and parenting, which appears likely if you are tied up with baby, (or if he is used to not having any 1:1 time with him either way) may not have the same need to do that with DH.

when my husband is out (which tbf is quite rare) we have ‘special mummy bedtime’. Which is basically normal bedtime with one episode of tv in my bed. This gives me the chance to feed baby etc too.

I mention special mummy bedtime from about 4pm in an excited way. ‘Guess what guys it’s just mummy today so we are having special mummy bedtime!’ They get so excited. There is ome rule of special mummy bedtime which is we need to do as we are told with no moaning the first time we are asked. Or there won’t be time for special bedtime. Literally makes for the smoothest bedtime (teeth brushing, getting out of bath, putting pjs on independently etc).

doesn’t have to be telly but have a think what may be a treat for him. Also be consistent with a routine. I would put him down with a book or whatever and say goodnight. If he gets up put him back down etc. it may take a few goes but surely it’s better than (unintentionally) blaming younger sibling for being the reason you need to leave him?

The husband is the problem not the child. You should be doing this together not alone.