Very very needy baby + screen time

[StrugglingShell]

My little one is coming up to a year old. She is incredibly needy. I think it might stem from the severe reflux she had for the first 9 months of her life. I'll put her down to play and within 5 minutes or so she's whining and then crying because she wants my attention.

Please believe me when I say I've tried everything. I get really frustrated at comments suggesting giving baby a wooden spoon to play with, as if that'll entertain her for more than 2 minutes. I've tried crayons, new toys, household items, books, music, cuddly toys, electric moving toys, just chatting and dancing with her, involving her in what I'm doing etc but unless I'm physically with her and playing, she'll be moaning and crying within 10 minutes.

This means I get very little done. I'm so lucky to have such an amazing husband because he literally does everything around the house as I'm glued to baby.

I've now given in and I put the TV on for her when I'm cooking or when I really need to get some laundry or housework done. It's mostly ms Rachel, as I've heard so many positive stories about babies learning language and signing from her. Sometimes yukee on BBC which she loves. Some days she'll watch no TV, other days it can be a couple of hours in total depending on how much I've needed to do.

It's making me feel so shit about myself and worried for her development. The NHS says up to two hours is fine, but the US guidance is 0 TV until 2. I also know that on here, no one lets their children even look at a TV screen until they're 9...

Thing is, all the other hours of the day we are playing together, singing, reading, going for walks. She has my undivided and constant attention.

I guess I'm just looking for reassurance and maybe an insight into how much TV you let your babies watch. Did it hinder them? Did it help them? Am I a monumentally rubbish mother!? Please don't say yes to the latter.

I should add that when I say I'm worried about her development, I don't mean she's behind. She already has 7 words and is thriving, although physically she's very lazy. I mean I'm more concerned about what it could be doing to her little brain, but I don't know how much of what I've read online about TV is true...

I have a 12 month old and she watches Miss Rachel too whenever she is sick or particularly unhappy. Some days she has a lot of screen time and some days she has none. Like you, we spend a lot of one on one time where she has my undivided attention.

I just think you are a person too and what matters is your baby has a happy mum and not someone who is being run ragged while the house explodes and all your personal needs are not met.

I also think the impact of TV is really hard to measure because how could you say that X behaviour is definitely because of Y when it's impossible to eliminate all the other variables in society?

I completely understand that feeling of mum guilt but just try to ignore the saints who never use screens... people forget how hard it is to be in the thick of it at home with a young baby/toddler

I hear you OP and I'm in a very similar situation. Mine is 18 months old now and we are the same as you in terms of the amount and things watched.

What I would say is mine now has hundreds of words and is starting to put some together, walking fine, seems switched on. So no impact on development I can see although i know that's not your primary concern anyway.

Go easy on yourself, I can't see how it harms. My mum says I watched way more TV than my DD does and I've turned out OK I think!

PS. I also scoff at the recommendations you get of giving them a wooden spoon etc. Anyone who's had a high needs baby or toddler will know that is no help whatsoever! I look at my friend's toddlers who are amazing at independent play and doff my cap to them but know it's just not possible in the same way for us at the moment! But equally my DD started playing pretend and involving me in play with her dolls etc at a really early age and her speech etc is miles ahead of the ones who are better at playing independently.

I had terrible morning sickness with a second pregnancy when DC1 was this age. It was COVID and no one would see me or treat me and I spent a good part of most days lying on the sofa or throwing up with Cbeebies on for DS1 to survive. He doesn't seem to be impacted by it

If it helps, why don't you build something into your routine, such as TV is 5-5:30 every night, or, Alexa timer is going on for twenty minutes while I have a cuppa and do the dishwasher - and then you'll feel like it's for a set specific time and it's not taking over

Btw shout out for yakka dee, moon and me and in the night garden at this age. And I also used to put random stuff from YouTube on like an orchestra or some pandas or people dancing and that went down pretty well and it felt like they weren't just watching cartoons.

I really wouldn’t be too bothered with this. My daughter was like this as a baby and I found cooking particularly difficult. I started putting her in a travel cot in front of the tv for half an hour every night to cook dinner. I would much rather that than accidentally scalding her will trying to drain pasta with a needy baby by my ankles. She’s 3.5 years old now and is perfect. Still watches a good bit of peppa pig but definitely not a screen addict. It’s done her no harm that I can see. I now have a 13 month old DS and he’s the same so he gets put in front of ms Rachel regularly when I need to do something. Cut yourself some slack.

I can't tell you all how much your comments have helped me ❤️ I was fully expecting to get slaughtered, because it seems that on here that letting your child watch TV is akin to chaining them up in the basement. Really refreshing and reassuring to hear I'm not alone and it likely won't turn my little one into a zombie

What she needs to learn is to entertain herself and that's the bit of development that you'll be hindering with this approach where you're either giving her undivided attention or letting her watch TV.

You say she can do 10 minutes before crying and tbh that's ok, work on building this up. It's fine for her to whinge and cry a bit. The fact it stops when she's watching TV tells you that it's not an issue of being upset/scared/away from her mum/hurt, it's just the best way she's got for asking for the TV to be turned on!

Have a look at the threads on here from frustrated parents of toddlers, preschoolers, primary aged kids and older who cannot entertain themselves without screens...they all started off like this.

There's nothing wrong with a bit of TV. There is something wrong if you're using every time she needs entertaining and you can't be there leading the play.

My high needs babies were just put on my back while I cooked - they could see everything & got passed bits of veg to eat. We sang/danced too.

the other thing that worked was to let them turn the pages in a book I knew by heart so I could recite it to them.

i also let them at the plastic boxes etc cupboard (the rest of the cupboards were locked) - the utter delight to be gained by emptying everything onto the floor 😂 although 12 months is a bit young possibly

it will get easier
I found the best way for them to learn to play independently (although at much older than 12 months) was to leave them to play but return just before they were likely to be fed up & repeat as the time gradually got longer.

(we didn't use screens at all until over 3 not because I think it's directly harmful but because it's a lump of time they're not doing something beneficial- however the balance of benefits is different for every family. )

I think you'll find most babies are put in front of the telly at some point during the day. Good on those who can entertain their high needs babies non stop every waking moment but I'm not one of them and nobody else I know is either. Our tv goes on for my 2 year old in the morning when I need 20 mins to get ready and after dinner for a bit of wind down. Sometimes she's interested, sometimes not but I really can't see it's doing any harm. She loves the jungle book and the gruffalo, and moana - we have book versions of all of these and she loves them too.

We all watched tv as kids and we do as adults, you sound like you're doing a great job with your daughter so please don't worry. Everything in moderation 👍

I feel for you. My second DC was like yours and he slept very poorly at night until he was 18 months old. We didn't have any local help either so unfortunately with housework to be done, another child to look after and a job 1 day a week the only option was a screen for a little bit most days.

I think he learned a lot from the type of program we chose. He is top of his year for science and maths now at secondary school. As long as the rest of the day is balanced I think it's ok, I have no regrets

Don't feel shit about yourself, these early years are about survival!

We do a fair bit of screen time in our house, CBeebies for 20 mins in the morning while we're getting ready for work/childcare, same in the evening to fill that whingy bit of time when she's too tired to play nicely with toys but we're busy cooking dinner.

Just see how she is and adapt how you use the screen if needed. We were watching nursery rhymes on YouTube for a while but it affected her behaviour and attention span so badly! It was very obvious it was causing the issues so we stopped those, went cold turkey for a week and are now much more mindful of what she watches.

She's not a miss Rachel fan but loves the Julia Donaldson films on iplayer, puffin rock on Netflix is fab too, and Bluey of course! Kipper on Amazon is also lovely reminds me of my childhood!

I don't think most mothers here are telling the truth.

There is nothing wrong with putting a 12 months old in front of the tv for 15-30 minutes until you get some laundry or cooking done. I've never met anyone in real life who hasn't done this.

You will also find it, it will come and go how much they like tv. My little girl is 2 years 3 months, and the tv doesn't interest her at all. 5 months ago, I had to be really strict with screen time, as she became obsessed with it.
She loved it around 12 months and became less interested when started to walk.

My son was a very high needs baby and watched a lot of TV during my mat leave. In total probably several hours a day, interspersed with other activities. We watched things together, with me commenting on what was happening and pointing things out to him, just as I would any other time. Or he watched some by himself while I did chores.

He's now 2.5 and absolutely fine, advanced in terms of his speech, understanding and ability to engage with stories and role play himself. He's not in any way addicted to screens (unlike some toddlers I know whose parents made a huge deal about how they never watched TV at home, but gave them a device constantly in restaurants, on planes, in the car etc).

As long as you're not literally plonking them alone in front of the TV for the whole day, they'll be fine.