newbie looking for advice please (long sorry)

[kate1956]

Hi there I am a long time lurker and am hoping that someone here can give some advice.

My children's father has them every other weekend and some of the holidays - and has just rung me to say that my youngest has broken her arm while with him. Now while I appreciate that accidents do happen this is the second time in two years this has happened and I'm starting to think that he is neglectful.

Not because of the break but because of the way it is handled. Apparently she broke her arm on tuesday and is covered in bruises - but he didn't take her to the hospital until last night (thurs) where she apparently had to have 5 x rays all over her body including her cheek which is swollen badly. So it must be bad!

Now I know that the reason he will not have done anything is because they were all away on holiday and from past experience "having fun" is the most important thing to him. However I feel really angry that she had to suffer for two days because he didn't want his holiday ruined!

The first time she broke her arm there he was out with his new partner and didn't come back when the sitter rang him - one of my older children rang me asking me to tell her she couldn't come home 'Because you know what dad's like' - obviously my older child didn't know her arm was broken just that she was crying and wanted to come home - I went and got her and we went to A&E and yes it was broken - I then rang and left a message for her dad but he didn't ring back or bother to ring the next day. There have been issues in the past too but too long to go into.

Should also add that usually only communicate with dad via email or text as there were dv issues when we were together - so this is the first time he has rung in a long time - presumably to offer damage limitation (or possibly because his partner told him to). I feel extremely angry but not sure if I'm being unreasonable - but then he always has that effect on me.

Am thinking of writing a letter but not sure how to phrase it - at the moment am very angry so probably best to wait a) until kids are home tonight and b) after getting some advice.

Not really sure what I'm asking here or whether I'm just ranting but any help would be welcome.

If his partner might have got him to ring you then perhaps she could be some help to you? Could you discuss your worries with her?

I would take a deep breath, and wait to get the whole story from your DCs when they get home. Even if he has been neglectful, you need to handle it when you're calm not when you are angry and rightfully worried about your DD. With the DV, do you think there's a chance that the accidents aren't very 'accidental'?

If he's ignored a child who has obviously been in pain for 3 days, then you are definitely not being unreasonable to be angry and upset with the whole thing.

Hope your DD feels better soon!

Hi thanks for your reply - I don't think I can talk to her as never have. Also I think that my ex has told her all sorts of stuff which is not true - don't they all! She is a bit weird as well when it comes to health as she put lemon juice on my daughters cracked toes (dues to excema) resulting in a lot of pain for my daughter (and no medical value)- I think that whatever my ex does she would see as reasonable. Thanks for the idea though.

How old are your DC's?

I would be very, very, very concerned if I were in your position.

Can you start by asking him why it took him so long to take her to hospital? TBH I'm not sure what the answer could be that would be acceptable. Unless your DC has an incredible pain threshold she must have been complaining about being in discomfort up until he took her to hospital.

Surely he would have gone down the better be safe than sorry route? How did she break her arm these two times? Was she alone or with your ex when she hurt her arm? I would be very worried about the possibility of it not being accidental if he has been violent towards you.

Not sure if thats of any help but I feel so sorry for you, it must be absolutely awful every time he has your DCs, I'm sure you are worried sick.

You are not being unreasonable at all to be worried, and maybe he is just incompetent but even in that case should he be left in charge of your DCs?

Hi serenity thanks for your reply. You're right about calming down as I am very angry.

I don't think it was anything more than an accident although there have been some odd issues in the past - my youngest dd is allergic to face paint - resulting in a severe rash all over her body. He would put it on her every weekend and bought it for her at every opportunity - she was very young and could not see the consequences of this. What was odd was that he never put it on or offered it to the other children (there are 4 altogether). After constantly asking him not to I did stop contact for her and we went to court where he was told off - and he didn't get a contact order which meant that there is nothing legal in place. He did at that time agree not to give her face paint and contact has been ongoing ever since.

I suppose that with the history this is what makes me wonder - and I don't think I can really do anything because on the whole the children want to see him.

Really I guess I'm just posting to get confirmation that I'm right to be concerned and angry - because even after all these years he seems to have the ability to 'wrong-foot' me.

Hi mankymummy - no both times she fell off her bike - all of the children are very clear about this and I know at least one of them would say if he was hurting her - they are older now - teenagers and they care for each other very much.

sorry should probably make clear that what I'm angry about is that he didn't do anything and she was in pain for two days - not that I think he was hurting her directly - if I thought that they'd be out of there full stop!

Serenity gave good advice.

You are, understandably, worried and furious.

How's it going kate? DD Ok?