Any way to engage disengaged grandparents?

[bauchbobo]

We have two DD, 3 years and 6 months. My DH and I have fond memories of our families when we were kids. Regular get togethers, visiting family member's homes, days out, sleepovers with cousins etc. We wanted to allow our children to experience the same thing, so we packed up our life last year, said goodbye to the busy London careers, and moved back to DH home town (my family is abroad and moving there isn't an option currently). His family kept going on and on about how much they miss out on seeing DD1 grow up, how they want to be involved etc. Unfortunately, after moving here, it's nothing like we had imagined. My in-laws have visited us twice since then despite our constant invitations. We also often offer to visit them but they always have plans. Same for the various aunts and uncles. The children have seen my parents more in the past year than the in-laws despite them living 20 minutes away as opposed to 15 hours.

We have brought it up to them but they just say how busy they are with work. But they go on holiday every 2 months and do big days out every weekend. For example, they love going for walks at the NT property that's literally around the corner from us. Alone, of course. We don't know what to do anymore. We aren't asking for any childcare! We literally just want our kids to have strong bonds with their family like we did growing up. Are we delusional to think it might still happen? Should we just give up?

Honestly, don’t force it because the only ones left disappointed will be you and your DH. My DP parents are like this and for years he’s expected them to change/make and effort/run out of excuses and at the end of the day he’s the one stressed out and upset while they just carry on with their lives.

Its rubbish, I know, but turn your attention to just having lovely days out and making memories with your DC .Stop inviting and asking them. They may notice you’ve stopped inviting and start asking to see you all….they may not. Just be prepared for them not to wake up. Sorry you’re in the same club. 😟

Don't waste your time.

My in-laws are the same, complained about not seeing our kids enough but don't want to make much effort. Totally different when BIL had kids though, they make loads of effort with his 2.
Just focus on making lots of wonderful memories in your own little family unit. Kids don't need people in their lives who make them feel unworthy of their time.

My mother lived literally next door to my brother and SIL and would only see the twin children for half an hour at weekends despite having time for a very busy social life. There was no meals provided either or toys etc. I once called her out on this and she said she had no time for "babies". She did work (self employed) and ironically spent more time with my SIL once she was helping with the business itself.
Looking back I think it was a kind of fear of being used for childcare, also a natural wariness of treading on SIL toes. She was not much use with our children all older but I think found her daughters' children easier to "access" ifyswim?
There was a big emphasis on having their own independent life and not being reduced to 'just grandparent' status

In the end it will be about your relationship with them. Maybe they are scared of you. Could your brother visit them with kids but without you...might that help?

It's very hard and exasperating. I lived 8 hours from my mother but even when she was near she also prioritised other activities to grandchildren. But there was an ease which came from me being her daughter not SIL.

My mother actually adored my SIL but this did not translate into socialising as a family. She liked to see her for cups of tea without the children! Unbelievable but true. Maybe it was overload...who knows. Mess baby noise didn't agree with her or my father. They just didn't enjoy any of that aspect that other grandparents might revel in, playing on floor, reading to them
Sad but there it is.