Lonely daughter

[SaffaMama]

hi there, I'm not sure what I want to get out of this but am feeling heartbroken for my daughter who's 16. Long story short, we immigrated to the UK 5 years ago. She was 11 at the time and a vibrant, outdoorsy, happy, social child. School life was fun and she thrived there. Our decision to move countries wasn't taken lightly and at the time we thought it would be a better life for our two girls. But looking back now, I think it has completely changed her personality and I feel absolutely devastated that we've basically forced this on her. She has expressed a longing for the life she had in the country she was born in and can recognise her own character change.
Both my husband and I have noticed over the last 5 years her withdrawing into an anxious, quiet, introverted and contemplative teen. Understandably these are the teen years and they come with their own issues but I can't help feeling that we've failed her by moving countries.
When we arrived in the UK she went into straight into Year 7 at on the very first day of the school year with all the other Year 7's, not knowing a single solitary person and being and sounding 'foreign'. And no-one knew that she was literally new-new. She had no induction to the school (as we arrived during the summer holiday and the school was closed for the summer), she had no knowledge of UK school life at all. When I think back I cannot believe we threw her into this. From that point she withdrew and became this child we don't really recognise from when left our previous home country.
She has made some friends but none that she feels is her "tribe" or anyone close enough to confide in and spend time with. She is lonely for sure and being an introspective person has tried to come to terms with her being on her own. But she's also said how incredible anxious she is even just walking to and from school on her own - not from a safety point of view but from a self conscious point of view. She also has expressed how scared she is of men/boys, that she doesn't know how to interact with them and that she doesn't know how she will ever find a partner. Not that I would encourage a boyfriend at this stage, but I don't know how to put her mind at ease that it will all happen at some point.
I honestly feel incredible parent pain knowing how she's feeling, and don't really know what to do or say to her to make her feel okay.

I understand your worries, but what does she want to do about it? Does she want to actively change something in her life? Is she happy to try new stuff, or is she more of a sensitive, back-stage person?
I can share our personal experience, although I don't know how much applies to you. Our experience is a positive one. We moved to the UK some years ago when my eldest was 10y.o., so pretty much the same scenario; however, she was lucky to be in Y6 for a couple of months, giving her some confidence, although she didn't know anyone going to Y7 and big school. I encouraged her to do a good variety of things not only to keep her busy but also to expand her friends' circle. She was in GirlGuides until age 14 and then volunteered with them while doing DofE; she participated in a Youth Club in our neighbourhood for a bit; for Sixth form I strongly encouraged her to take the offer of a school on the other side of the city but with better A-level results, which was good for her not only academically but allowed her to form new connections with completely different groups of children; they keep in touch still and are good friends both with her secondary school circle and with Sixth form circle (and now university friends too). These different groups helped her in different ways - she finds her part-time jobs through friends; and gets to know new people (and boys - trust me, everything about everyone their age is known on social media and they all know each other, or know friend of a friend).
Her father and I are also a good role model I think. We start new jobs even if we're frightened we can underperform; we try to meet new people even when going significantly out of our comfort zone by pushing ourselves - not always successful, but then, it doesn't need to be!It's good to remember most adults are frightened and uncomfortable starting new things too. You try, you fail, you try, you succeed, such is life.

Oh gosh. I'm sorry. This must be heart breaking for you to watch your child be so lonely and to feel you are too blame. But Please don't blame yourself. I'm sure there were good reasons why you moved and equally it could have turned out amazing for your daughter. Also, equally, your daughter mjght have become lonely in your home country. You never know but i know how difficult it is to deal with what ifs.

How is your other daughter doing? How did she cope with the move?

A few things thst might help:

1. Like pp said have your daughter join a few clubs or extra curricular activities outside school to give her more chances to make friends and find her tribe. Does your daughter have a particular skill or hobby? Like a sport or playing an instrument? That is always a great way to meet new people with not so much pressure. And even besides that if she has a passion then that is something she can lose herself in and forget about everything else for a while. When I was sad or lonely as a child playing my instrument really helped me to focus on something else and to find joy and pleasure outside school.

1. Make sure she isn't bullied or there isn't anything else going on at school. Was she bullied?

1. Where you live is there a community of people who are originally from your home country? It might help her to not feel so different or outcast. In particular if you can find kids of a similar age.

1. When I was 16 my parents and me moved from europe to Asia. It's a bit different because I was older than your daughter and I was very lucky in that everyone in the school I joined was very welcoming and friendly but what did help was that my parents had always said that if i didnt like it i could always go back to europe after finishing school in Asia. I did sometimes have a wobble or felt homesick and in those times it helped immensely to know that I wasn't stuck in this situation. Now that your daughter is 16 you could remind her that soon she will be done with school and if she's interested perhaps she could back to your home country to study or maybe to a third country.

1. Now that she is 16 maybe she could try volunteering somewhere. It would get her out there doing something meaningful and she might meet interesting people.

Best of luck to you and your family. You sound like an amazing and very caring mum. I hope things will turn around soon for you ajd your daughter.

@TigerMa thanks for your message - has given me some comfort. Sadly she never took up any clubs or sports at school or out of school. We encouraged it and she tried a couple but said she didn't fit in, which is a pity because she was very involved in all sorts of extra murals in our home country.

Thankfully she's made the decision that she wants to go to Sixth Form which isn't part of her current school. I think this is a great decision on her part as, like you said, it will help her expand her social circle and hopefully create new friendships. I'm hoping and will encourage her to take part in new activities that the Sixth Form offer. She really does miss the sense of community that she experienced at school before coming to the UK.

I just want her to be happy and have a sense of belonging with a group of buddies she can rely on and talk to and enjoy life!

@DontWannabe our other daughter, who was 8 at the time of the move and went into primary Year 4, settled in better socially. She was always terribly shy as a very young child - dyslexia coupled with anxiety has always made school difficult for her but from a social point of view she's flourished in the UK. She is definitely more open with me about how she's feeling and coping and the two of us are used two figuring out and dealing with her emotions on the daily, as it's been like this since she was a tiny tot. She is also missing close connections with friends although she has a wide variety of friend groups she's actively involved with, she also doesn't have a "bestie" anymore. She was incredibly close with a friend back home but they've since grown apart as happens unfortunately.

My eldest has always been more independent and less emotional (outwardly at least) and not inclined to share with me how she's feeling, which is probably why I didn't quick pick up how incredibly hard it's been for her over the last 5 years at secondary school. She mentioned that she sees her old classmates social posts of them hanging out together and doing things and it makes her sad that she doesn't have that. (bloody social media!!!)

She hasn't been bullied (have asked her) and she flies below the radar so is a bit 'invisible' - which can be a good and bad thing in secondary school.
I think your suggestion of her volunteering somewhere is a good idea and I think she would probably be up for that. She's also been on our case about getting a job since she was 14 so I'm hoping that her anxiety doesn't stop her from making the effort to do this now that she's leaving school and going into Sixth Form. But she doesn't really know where to start and I'm not sure how to advise her on this either.

@SaffaMama for what it's worth, I've encouraged independence and my eldest started working at McDonalds the moment she turned 16 - her major motivation was to buy a better phone than the one I could buy her. She's been working p/t ever since and enjoying her own money.

"She mentioned that she sees her old classmates social posts of them hanging out together and doing things and it makes her sad that she doesn't have that. (bloody social media!!!)"

That's so sad. I get you can't be friends with everyone, but they could try to include her every now and then - maybe she can try to reach out by liking the posts and commenting? In my adult SM liking someone's post, or commenting underneath means nothing and I don't really care if my friends like my stuff or not, but for my kids, it's a complicated navigation whose posts you like and why, they analyse and comment with their BFFs.

@TigerMa don't get me wrong, they do like her posts etc. I think it's more that she's missing out on the social aspect. How did you daughter go about getting a P/T job?

@SaffaMama she applied to a few retailers and McD initially but it was so very obvious she lacked real interest and drive, she even got this as feedback from Lush when she went to an interview and couldn't answer any questions about the brand. So we practised for a bit, I gave some advice and ultimately I helped her write her job application for another McDonalds branch, where she was successful at the interview. She still didn't want to spend time working but money is a powerful motivator, to spend it as one pleases. She made some new friendships there, but many more in subsequent jobs (again food joints, as behind till worker or a server), and also p/t hours in a food retailer, where there's no social side but has good sides like paid time off etc.
After the first few job applications when I helped with writing the applications and practising for interviews, she now does her own thing.

Also to add, before applying for a 'real' job, for her silver DofE she volunteered at Oxfam - this gave her a different experience, as even though she didn't work the till as under 18, she interacted with customers and learned more soft skills. She also participated in NCS (National Citizen Service) in school, maybe in Y11, I can't quite recall, which also included a small volunteering project. She then used this leverage when applying for jobs, as it can be hard to demonstrate work related skills when you've not yet worked. So when applying and hopefully interviewing for jobs, you may want to practice with your DD the transferable skills she has - group projects at school, any formal or informal volunteering experience she may have, any evidence she is a good team player and can work with customers etc. I wish her and you best of luck.