Mum era making me less attracted to husband

[Humptydumptydone]

My husband and I have been married for 10 years together for 11. Like everyone we have our ups and downs but from the outside we have a great life, nice home, nice careers, nice cars, 2DCs, girl and a boy, we share household chores.

Like everyone we had the honeymoon period, our daughter came along 2 years into our marriage, she was such an easy baby that we didn’t feel a drastic change in our routine or relationship and the spark was still there. My son came along 5 years later and he was such a needy baby (now 3) and a difficult toddler, he is perhaps more like a normal child but compared to what we experienced with our daughter he was a shock to the system. They year my son was born we purchased our dream 4 bed home.

Up until then I felt like DH and I were very excited about the future but after purchasing our home we felt a little like ‘so what do we do now.’ We are now saving for early retirement and enjoy time off with the kids.

I am mid 30s now, I’ve gone up the corporate ladder in this time and am immensely in my mum era. I love my kids to death, after work between 4 and 8.30 I do as much as I can with them and DH and I split those responsibilities. I have found however certain things about my husband just annoy me to the point where I don’t crave time with him. I just want to be with our children in my free time.

I however don’t want to feel like this towards my husband. I know the spark doesn’t last forever but why does he just piss me off? I think it’s because he’s not the dad I want him to be but I have told myself he is a good dad and the kids adore him but he isn’t as hands on as I am, he doesn’t enjoy time with the kids like I do and I want him to because whats better than spending time with your kids and making them laugh and giggle, teaching them, encouraging them, guiding them.

don’t get me wrong he does bath time, school drops off, pickups, helps with chores but he just does them as tick box tasks (that’s how it seems to me anyways).

our upbringing has been different, my parents were very hands on and loved a laugh and DH parents were boring and not as hands on (he even says so) so I understand why, he’s not doing anything wrong but I’m scared this will just get worse from my end. We are still intimate but I go along more for him because I still want him to be happy. We still laugh and joke here and there but again on a daily basis I just find myself rolling my eyes at him internally. Sometimes I wonder why men are needed if women are financially secure? But again I don’t want to think like this.

I guess my question is, is this a phase, I’m worried my children will grow up and obviously have their own lives one day and I’ll be left with this feeling towards my husband….

please help. I don’t want to speak to my husband about this as he will be upset. Things that annoy me about him is his confidence (although that never bothered me before), always talking about football, or our finances but again none of this is new, I just always think I’d like it if you talked about the kids more to me…sort of, I guess I just find a good hands on dad attractive and to me in my eyes he’s not that but to everyone else he does exactly what all dads do…

Hi op

So it doesn't seem like any of this is new or a personality change its your reaction to it is that right?

It's not crazy that people change and how you feel towards your husband is right now draining but it doesn't sound like a terrible marriage

Is there anything there you wish to salvage? can you arrange date nights/weekend just you two? Try and reignight the spark?

We do have date days. Sometimes take time off and spend a day together while kids in school/preschool. And in the moment it’s all very nice but again when he starts talking about a new business idea, or just the more material things in life I just think ugh here we go, I do respond nicely, make a joke or share my opinion but I think I’m just more sentimental. Like I make a good living, not financially dependant on my husband, we contribute to everything 50/50 and with the extra I make I save for the kids.

im not saying I want to leave just don’t know how to fix it/myself and tbh I don’t want to be any less sentimental, any less motherly.

I don’t think it helps that I wfh and he wfh 3x a week so we see ALOT of each other and perhaps it just makes day to day like mundane. Pre covid we always had something to chat about after work because we spent the day away from one another and come to think of it my son was a covid baby. So think it’s a mix of that with my maternal instincts kicking in now I’m in my 30s

I think I get what you're saying. Our DD is 9mo and although DH is a great hands in Dad I do find myself much more easily irritated by him & less inclined to make bids for connection. I'm still trying to work it out myself but I think it's a combination of being exhausted & also being totally overstimulated by the end of the day. After a day hands on with baby & the chatter/noise that comes with that, I just want to sit still and quietly enjoy my hour or so peace before bed not hear about office politics. I also struggle with the whole default parent thing - DH will ask me a question about DD that there's no reason for him to not know, or that's really obvious. I've not worked the solution out yet but we have discussed it & both want to work through it. It's a huge adjustment for you both - hopefully with time it's something that can be remedied.

It's because he hasn't met your expectations, he isn't as invested emotionally in your mutual children so you can't trust him to parent the way you think your children deserve.

I is disappointing, I would probably seek help with a therapist on your own because from my experience the feeling grows as the children get older and they hit milestones like exams and first jobs, driving. You will feel like you are begging him to match your efforts for things your children rightfully deserve.

And yes that’s correct it is my reaction but I think my husband isn’t maturing with age, with parenthood, sometimes I just think ‘grow up’ when he’s buying another pair of trainers instead of asking me what the kids need but we have the money to do both so why am I so bothered?

i think I would be less annoyed about these random topics if I thought he enjoyed parenthood as much as I am and put in the extra mile but again I know he adores our kids.

also I feel like certain things I’ve changed to be a good role model to my children but my husband isn’t as mindful, like phones at dinner table etc but again think that comes down to how we were raised and I don’t think it’s my job to retaliate my husband.

But do you discuss any of these expectations with him? Like phones at the dinner table? Or just expect him to read your mind? If you had totally different upbringings you need to communicate more. Also why is your way the default correct option? Not saying you’re wrong but he might be thinking why is she so obsessed with the kids and can’t even have an adult conversation about a business idea? If you don’t communicate and agree on parenting styles/strategies I’m not sure you can ‘blame’ him as much as you are.

For some of it he’s getting a raw deal. If the kids have everything they need why is it wrong for him to get some trainers?

It’s great how much you love your kids but you need to have your own life and identity as well, otherwise it will be rough when they leave. Treating yourself to something like trainers actually helps with this!

Sorry if I sound harsh but your post reads to me as ‘I am an excellent parent and I’m annoyed with my partner he doesn’t live up to my standards which I don’t flex on and are pointless in some cases’

There are certain times when he is hands on, like when he’s cleaning the bathrooms, my DS follows him round each one, when mowing the lawn and washing the car, general diy, life skills wise he says he wants to teach our children what his dad never taught him.

my husband wasn’t academic however and I was so I’m more focused on homework, reading, school milestones. My husband is interested, will attend parents evenings etc but he won’t ever ask them to read with him. If DS takes a book to DH reading is done but again more like a tick box, even then DH reading to the kids is rare. I also think he was more hand on with DD than he is with DS but he loves them equally.

not sure if any of that made sense or added more insight!

You’re not harsh at all, I agree with you.

and yes I have but he doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with him being on his phone at dinner. I can’t argue with something he thinks is right, I’m not a confrontational person.

he doesn’t need a new pair of trainers every month while I pay for the school trip. If I mention the kids need something then yes he offers to split or we pay for a child each etc but it’s the constant reminders I have to share which make me think that it’s not important enough for him to consider before he does his pay day purchases for himself.I guess it’s the default parent thing like another poster has explained.

I also think when I grew up because my mum didn’t speak English she stool to the domestic while my dad did everything school related and I loved that. But now I am a domestic mum AND doing the things my dad did but would’ve loved to see that side from my husband….but again he’s not his fault, certain niggles I think should be worked on like phones in front of the kids, screen time if I’m working away one day a month etc but outside of that I just want to accept it sort of.

Oh and it’s a new ridiculous business idea every week, some of which we have invested in and lost money/time (time away from kids may I add which I never wanted) some have worked some haven’t some pointless sometimes I listen and agree because I know they won’t get anywhere so easier just to listen then make him feel bad about yet another silly idea. His brother did call him out on this recently however and was a bit of a wake up call, his sister has too in terms of how often he thinks about finances but when I was raising it as a too frequent thought I was just being a nagging wife…

But if he’s interested in entrepreneurial endeavours…couldn’t you spare him some interest in his ‘hobby’? Which he’s not wrong to have… I don’t give a toss about Man U but I’ll happily read during the match and then offer my other half a chance to go on about it while we walk the dog after! And he doesn’t care about the latest Sarah J Mass book but he’ll let me talk about it on the same principle?

It just feels like some of the things you’re complaining about are quite baseless and unfair on your husband, so it’s hard to see the validity in your complaint overall iyswim

I agree with you and yes I do exactly the same, ask him what’s happening with players etc.

if your husband lost interest in a business you invested in and then wanted to start another with savings we’ve just put together you’d be annoyed. He’s learned from his mistakes but this isn’t a hobby, just more money than sense.

He goes to the gym, buys expensive Lego, playing chess on his phone while I play with the kids. If I ask him to put his phone away then he’s in a huff and it’s a forced play time with kids but sometimes I convince myself it’s ok for him to have his extra time to do such because of the more practical things he does with the children.

my post wasnt about how to change him it was more about me and how do I not be less attracted to him because of these differences that now bother me. He has become more like this since our son has joined the family or perhaps they bother me more because I wouldn’t want my son plastered to his phone all his free time since his dad will be his first role model.

yea we all have bad habits but we should be self aware enough to correct those especially for our children right? Or is that just me/women?