My son is nearly 5. I was relatively young when I had him, and I can't pretend I found it easy. I didn't, I struggled massively at times. When he was a toddler he was quite volatile, violent etc. For years I blamed this on his temperament but upon reflection wonder how much of this I caused. When he had colic and would scream I'd scream and cry with him. I got overwhelmed when he was violent to me, but would also get angry and would push him off me harder than I should of. On a few occasions when he hit me I hit him back. I carry a lot of shame regarding all of this. I have also shouted at him in the past, and again with what I know now I can see I have shamed him in my parenting techniques.
I am 28 now and I do think in many ways I am a good mum. He has a positive relationship with me, he is thriving in school, he's intelligent and although sensitive, he is great at articulating how he feels and communicating this to me. We talk about how we feel daily, and I believe we do have a great relationship. I regularly worry about the past and like I have done damage that will show later in life, and I worry about him preferring his dad.
It's hardly surprising, given my shortfalls over the years. His dad and him are close. We are married and live together, and it's the things like when my son wakes up at night he shouts for daddy, when he's hurt he shouts for daddy etc. If I'm ever away he is ok, but when his dad is away he misses him and says as much. He has shared with me that he feels like his dad has more fun with him, and that I say am stricter, and don't play with him enough. I'm making a conscious effort to only say no when I absolutely have to going forward, and to engage in more playing with him. He has also voiced feelings regarding us speaking gently to the baby, and harsher to him. This is true, I guess because the baby doesn't do things they aren't supposed to do, throw tantrums or whinge etc so the things where I am firmer with my eldest don't happen with my youngest. I am again making a conscious effort to address this, and correcting him when necessary in a softer way.
I don't want to make it sound like I'm a terrible mum in every way, I'm really not. We do a lot together and I'm very engaged in his life. I do lots of reading, talking and activities with him but struggle to engage in the playing he likes to do for long but I'm doing this more at this point. I guess the issue is I feel like such a bad mum. I wish I could go back to the start and be the mum I am now. I've learnt so much about parenting, I think my first 3 years with him were survival and I regret that so much. I know the mum I want to be now, and the mum he needs. I just wish I could of been it from the start.
I'm really worried I've just messed up too much. It's inexcusable some of the mistakes I've made. I came from a difficult upbringing myself, and I never ever wanted that for my own kids. I feel guilty sometimes that my youngest has been born to me when I'm in a place where I think I'm a good mum whereas my eldest and me had to kind of grow up and learn together.
I'm worried he has an insecure attachment to me and that's why he prefers his dad. Has anyone felt like they were a far less than perfect parent than they'd of liked to of been? I'm so scared one day he'll remember things and want nothing to do with me, there is so much good, so much, I've only focused on the bad here as it's the point of the thread, but I just worry it isn't enough to outweigh the severity? I can't believe I was ever rough with him, I can't believe I ever shamed and responded erratically and aggressively to him. It all makes me so sad.