4 year old doesn’t like to tell on his friends

[Howtogoaboutthis]

I know that my 4 year old is being hit or upset frequently at nursery by some of his friends. Normal kid behaviour, but my child is very sensitive and never starts this type of behaviour first which makes it worse for us as parents.

The issue I have is that he won’t talk to me about it. If we have been told by his nursery there was an altercation, when asked my child will tell me he can’t remember, or he doesn’t know. If I outright ask if it was X or X, he says no.

Over the last few months he has started saying he doesn’t want to go in to nursery anymore when he used to absolutely love it, so this makes sense.

Nursery say he is a popular boy, agree that he is sensitive and isn’t short of friends to play with.

Is this typical of a child his age, to not want to get his friends in trouble? They wouldn’t ’ of course, but that’s how his 4 year old mind sees it. I just want him to be able to talk to us about what is going on, so we can reassure and help him as appropriate.

I’m scared that he will continue this way at school later in the year, and I really absolutely want to be aware of anything like this when he’s mixing with kids older than him and in a school setting.

I have a 5yo who often hates telling me news, even if it is good news e.g. he got a certificate at school. He has got more willing to share but on his terms and only once e.g. he will spontaneously tell me on the way home from school but won't tell DH later.

These are quite big conversations at 4yo and children often don't remember well. Are you asking to establish facts or to support him? I wouldn't ask 'is it X?' if you know it is for example. If it's to support him, I would try to give responses more than asking questions e.g. suggest how he choose who to play with, what to say to staff if he is upset. Zones of Regulation is something some schools use to help talk about feelings. If you are trying to establish facts, could you try asking through play/role play e.g. using teddies and then asking if these things happen to him.

I think you're over thinking to be honest.

At 4 he's not really interested or bothered unless it directly involves him.

You're talking like he's 8/9 years old.

I’m not sure 4 year olds quite have the cognitive skills as yet to work through such a complex thought process as ‘if I tell what happened then Tommy will get in trouble then they will not like me anymore’. Things are much more immediate cause and effect. If he’s not telling you it’s more likely to be because he’s forgotten exactly what happened or it’s just ceased to be important or have any real meaning to him. He might already be friends again with the perpetrator before the day (or hour!) is out. I think it’s more important that the nursery be supervising the children a bit better and dealing with incidents in the moment, or at the very least if they don’t see something, talking to the injured party then and there to try to get to the bottom of it while his memory is still fresh. By the end of the day, your kid has moved on!

Not old enough to handle all these direct questions. I just stick to tell me one thing you enjoyed today , for example

Very normal, my 6 ur old is only just started being able to tell me why he’s upset, what has happened etc, before this he would just say he didn’t know or he’s tired

I have a nearly 4 yo who doesn't tell the nursery workers anything. She won't tell them when she feels poorly or when she got scratched by another kid or if her eyes or rashes are itchy and she needs her antihistamines. She does tell us though usually the second we step out of the nursery. When we ask her why she didn't tell them she often says "I didn't want to stop playing" or "they were with X". When she is feeling unwell - she went through a bad patch of reflux and was having daily stomach pains went had to get the staff to check in with her more and after a reaction to food when she had an itchy rash we got them to preemptively give her antihistamines as she wouldn't tell them when she needs. She also just lives in the moment and often it's only when she stops she realises how she has been feeling