Newborn - 10 wks - Mum rage - Finding it hard

[purpledelicious]

I am a FTM with a 10 wk old baby and I am struggling, this is really difficult. And I don't know what mum rage is, I did see it mentioned a couple of times, but I do really get annoyed with unempathic responses. They ask me what's it like, I say hard and they say 'but you knew that, didn't you?' or other unhelpful and unempathic responses like my friend who has a 3 yr old and said 'wait til they are 3, it gets much worse'. I am sure having a toddler is difficult in it's own way, but this newborn sleepless/ wont go down for a nap/ no idea what she wants/ tired from breastfeeding and my whole body aching from breastfeeding/ is not the same as having a toddler that talks and can communicate what the problem might be.

Please give me some sense of perspective, when does it get easier, does it get easier? What should I be doing now?
My friend said that I should bath the baby at 6 and feed and put them to sleep at 7 and they will sleep til 10 or 11pm, and then I should wake them up to feed and then they will sleep again til like 5 or 6am. None of this happens to me, I put her to bed at 7pm and she waked up at 7.30 pm crying.
She said I should put a timer and see how long she is crying and not go to her rescue immediately, I did put a timer and after 10 mins (roughly, maybe less) I went and picked her up. I cannot leave my baby crying for too long.
But she wakes up every two hours in the night, she does not go down for naps easily, when she does they are short, and she feeds like a maniac and today she threw up on me. She sleeps after feeding and then wakes up after we put her down! She has that stupid startle reflux that wakes her up.
When does that go? When do things start to change?
Any help or advice appreciated (please be kind)
I do not have any postpartum depression or anxiety, but I am a FTM and it has been a gruelling 10 wks and I do not know what to expect so I am stuck feeling like this will be like this forever and I am overwhelmed (and other people do not help)

Yes it will get better. I promise. You will sleep again. It will get easier.

Ignore your friend and her rules. She didn’t have your baby. She had her own. They aren’t the same. Do whatever works for you.

It will get better. I promise.

Stop listening to the other people. You know what works for you and your baby!
My baby is 6 months old and it gets better, trust me. She still gets up for one feed in the night and it can be anywhere from 1am to
4am.
I found that routine is key for us, I don't fuss on timings of feeds or naps (apart from no naps after 5pm) and her bedtime routine has not changed since she was a week old.
Find the routine that works for you and your baby.
Newborns are gruelling, you're a hero!

It won't last forever.

I know in the midst of things, 10 weeks feels like a lifetime but you'll soon be looking back wondering where the time went.

Your bubba is still tiny and fully dependent on you for everything. It's so hard to adjust to the constant demands of a baby, you're not alone.

Do you have any support?

I'm by no means an expert on this, but I had a baby last year and you can read up on it as much as you want but nothing prepares you!

My favourite piece of wisdom shared with me was 'everything is a phase' - the good, and thankfully rhetorical bad.

Young babies do feed every few hours, we tried upping the amount we offered which gave us slightly longer between feeds.

Do you have health visitor clinics? We have Sirona Baby Hubs near us, some on each day and they were great at getting out the house - hit and miss advice if I'm honest but they'll happily chat babies for an hour. Sometimes crying can be related to a cows milk allergy or reflux etc so if you're unsure speak to a GP for some reassurance.

The early days are so tough, but you've got this.

I had the exact same thing with my second in regards to sleep/startle reflex.

My mum came over and swaddled her (old school style with a cellular blanket), she slept for 5 hours.

Since that day she sleeps through the night provided she’s swalddled!

swaddle her after her next feed and report back! X

10 weeks co is so hard, you’ve been sleep deprived for a long time and it is so so tough !
The end is in sight,
My baby massively improved at 3.5 months,
Every baby is different but it won’t last forever. As someone already said-listen to your instinct, not other people and do what feels right. I also don’t believe in letting babies cry, I never let my little one cry and he is now fantastic sleeper at 18 months old ( started sleeping 10-11h straight from 1 year old when we dropped last night feed)
It really does get a lot better soon, first 3 months are the toughest in my opinion

First of all, nobody ever knows how hard it is until they actually become a parent.

I was the perfect parent until I became one.

I hated the newborn phase, I loved my baby but just did not enjoy it. Like yours she didn't sleep and didn't stop feeding. I remember having anxiety at around 6 in the evening knowing I was in for yet another sleepless night. There is a reason sleep deprivation is a form of torture.

Also don't let anyone tell you how to raise YOUR baby. Each baby is different and each parent parents different, no one is more right or wrong then the other. If you want to pick your baby up when they cry, then do just that. There is a reason baby wants to be close to mum as that's where they feel the most safe.

Try a baby carrier and carry baby whilst your going about Daily life, it really helps them sleep.

And, it does get far far easier. I have a 3 year old now and I love being around her, she still doesn't sleep through, but sleeps well enough that I'm not in a permanent state of exhaustion. Yes she can strop, yes she can drive me insane as she is very strong willed and independent, but it's nowhere near as hard as baby phase. Honestly after around 12 weeks it gets easier and easier I promise.

You definitely not alone but not many people talk about it. Everyone comments how much they loved the baby stage, but believe me when I say I would hate to go through it again.

Feel free to PM me of you just want a vent

@Whatthefuckwasthat oh yes the magic of a swaddle, that also worked for us, nice and snug!

And as another PP said, your friend doesn't have your baby, they're all different!

Oh I had such rage for the first few months after my second child was born, I think people warn you about the baby blues but not so much the rage. I felt so guilty about it until I started talking to friends and realised how common it is. The exhaustion can be so extreme when they’re that little and you’re months into surviving on very little sleep.

It will get better I promise, it happens gradually, and yes toddlers have their own challenges but you do start to come out of survival mode a bit after the baby stage.

In the meantime, do you have some support so you can have a proper break. Some real rest will help massively.

@NewYearNewName2024 yess it’s the thing of magic! Such a game changer!!

Truthfully your friends sounds like a dick.

It does get easier then harder then easier then harder etc 🥴

At 10 weeks all routine is out the window so bollocks to putting her down at 7 and leaving her cry.

How much support are you getting from your partner? I know it's hard when breastfeeding but can he do a part of the night and if she needs feeding just bring her to you to feed and he does all the other stuff bum change wind settle back down?

White noise and swaddling helped my two but at this age we were lucky for 2/3 hour sleep stretches.

It's a cliche but try to rest when you can. Partner does cooking dishes washing etc. doesn't matter you are at home you are caring for a tiny human.

Are you managing to get out for a bit in the day? Baby group or even a coffee and interact with another adult?

My son was a horrendous sleeper until he was about 6 months old. He woke nearly every hour. He was a horrendous BFer also. BUT it got better as I got more confident. I also sleep trained at 6 months a little which reduced night waking to 3 a night.

Don't compare your children to others and what works for your friend might not work for you, that isn't you doing anything wrong your baby is different to theirs.

'
My son's wakings refused to once a night around 9 months and come 11 months he slept through. He's 18 months now and it's much easier in a lot of ways, but harder in others as he is much more demanding now and can say no! He is a lot more independent though obviously and we do get peace as he'll happily play alone and wander about in the day.

It is hard BUT it can't be that bad, I'm now 6 months pregnant with my second.

Honestly it gets better - but don't listen to people whose kids apparently sleep through from day 1 - they'll just wind you up!

The next thing that will irritate you is weaning when someone tells you they're kids eating a full roast dinner at 6 months when yours is spitting out purées still at 9 months 😂

Holy crap yes it gets easier! People who say 'oh wait until they're whatever age' are talking shit. Nothing is as hard as the first year. My kids are teens and my sister in law used to say 'wait until they're teens- it's much harder'. Well it isn't.

Ignore everyone and do what YOU want to do. I wish I'd ignored outside noise more.

It definitely, 100%, gets better. Everything is a phase. Ignore your friend - as PP says, your friend hasn’t had your baby. What works for one won’t work for another.

Read about the fourth trimester if you haven’t already. Baby is hard wired to want to be close to you, and also even beyond the first twelve weeks it is very normal for babies to wake round the clock. It really is gruelling but you will survive, even though at times it doesn’t feel like it.

My sons are four and eleven months now, I’d say with both of them it became much easier around the four month mark and then again around six months. Even easier when they began to sit and crawl as they could entertain themselves a bit better. Both pretty awful around ten months and after a few weeks both back to being happy little souls again.

What I found made things massively easier in the early weeks/months was carrying them around all day in a soft sling. If you get a good one (I liked the Caboo) it is really supportive and not too hard on your back. If you’re a pro (I definitely wasn’t) you can even breast feed them in it. DS2 basically lived in it until around 16 weeks. It helped keep him calm and content, he slept loads and I got stuff done, and could easily get out and about which helped me keep my sanity. Additionally: lower your expectations. Don’t worry about a clean and tidy house beyond the absolute basics, and if there’s any way you can afford a cleaner, get one! Do not feel guilty about spending lots of time resting. The sleep deprivation is awful and resting whenever you can is key to not completely losing the plot.

Please believe me when I say things do get easier very quickly. You’re in the thick of it at the moment but it will pass 💐

Please ignore your friend OP, these are extremely unhelpful things she’s telling you. Every baby is different - mine are in primary now, but were horrific sleepers until 2 or so, and “helpful advice” like hers would have sent me over the edge

having a babyis a massive shock and change in your life.. it’s a cliche but things will definitely get better with time. Above all, be kind to yourself, and don’t let anyone’s advice get you down! 💐

Also 10 weeks is very little still, it all sounds very normal what you’re going through.. not fun though!

I absolutely found newborn hardest by far. Hold on, it gets much better in the next couple of weeks! DD was much easier from 12 weeks. More interested in the world and fun to engage with, starting to be able to express themselves a little (grabbing stuff they want to use, etc.), and moving more.

I felt so awful when people told me about the newborn bliss. The first three months is terrible for lots of people, you are not alone, and you're nearly through it!

I found the first few months unbelievably hard but It absolutely does get easier x

Your friends forgotten. I have a 2 year old. I can’t remember it. But I do remember the look dp and I gave each other of like omfg we can’t do this! This is the most INSANE thing. But we did and we are all alive.

It does get better. You get a rhythm. Then worse again (for me I remember 9 months being a super low point because everyone else was formula feeding and getting good sleep chunks and I was still waking to breastfeed every 2 bloody hours!!).Then suddenly you sleep train and it gets a million times better. I’m not telling you to do this too early. I think we did it at the perfect time (9-10 months). Within 2 nights sleeping twelve hours solid.

Now it’s amazing. He still can’t tell me what’s wrong so it’s a bit of guessing and there are some tantrums starting but we all sleep and 99.9% of the time I’m confident he’s not going to keel over and die.

I feel for you OP, those early days are so so hard, don’t listen to others, do what works for you. The moro reflex goes away after 12 weeks, have you tried swaddling the arms, we had a nightmare with this and bought the cross shaped swaddles wih the velcro fastenings, worked well. Keep an eye on the wake windows and follow your sleep routine, baby will get used to it. Is there anyone to help you for a few hours during the day? I remember just being able to go our for a walk did me well. You are not alone x

I am sitting with a 3 week old on me now, 2nd child. I can tell you I hate/hated the newborn stage both times. And it does absolutely get better. So many people said to be ‘wait till they are a toddler’ . Even though my 1st was a strong willed toddler and now child, I absolutely loved him as a 2,3,4 yo and nothing has been as hard as those first months. I’m trying to keep that in my head now as I do it all again. I am exhausted and also feel that rage so you aren’t alone. Ignore your friend, do what’s best for you and yours and hang on in there . Hope you are ok xx