I feel so guilty, keep getting it all wrong

[Mumof1forNow]

Hi all,

Just come here as needing some support.

I just feel like I'm getting this parenting business all wrong and I want to do better for my children. I need some constructive advice.

I have two DDs... DD1 is 3.5 and DD2 is 10months. I have really struggled managing them both at times. Since having my second daughter especially I've really struggled with my emotions. I don't drive and when the weather is bad we are just trapped in the house.

DD1 is extremely highly strung and always has been. She used to have episodes of just screaming bloody murder, sometimes randomly in the middle of the night which would scare me half to death. I needed a lot of support from my husband at that time as I found it really tough and my mental health suffered but at least I only had to deal with one., she was lovely otherwise and was an angel when I took her out.

Things were improving and decided to try for baby no2, growing up as an only child (albeit very loved) I'd always loved the idea of DD1 having a sibling although it seemed daunting as I was kind of traumatised from issues with first daughter.

We were blessed with a DD2 June last year, had a bad pregnancy experience was very hormanal but now she's here honestly I love my girls and I wouldn't change them but I'm struggling to cope. DD1 struggled massively with the change of having a sibling and has played up massively. She is getting better but it has been so mentally taxing and I've been struggling to function.

My mum had been helping me loads but even shes exhausted, hubby often working and DD1 will not go to him for much, no matter how hard he tries she always wants me for everything, she loves him in small doses but is aversed to him getting involved like with bedtimes znd lunch/dinner times she just screams at him.

Because of this I've been VERY shouty and burnt out cos its all on me. I feel so incredibly guilty as I've vented a lot of frustrations out on DD1, I just wasn't coping with 2 under 4 but it's no excuse. I don't think I had PND but I think I had some sort of post partum rage which is hard for me to admit, sounds so scary but I just felt so angry all the time.

Things are improving as DD2 gets older and needs me less but I just feel that through this rough period, I've done emotional damage to DD1. I don't want sympathy just want to put things right. No idea where to turn, health visitor coming at the end of the month to assess DD1 as been struggling with her behaviour Spitting, hitting, kicking etc. What if they take her off me? I have smacked her several times when her behaviour was getting too much. I am very ashamed but I just want to be completely honest. I never want to do this again.

What pains me is I've always been amazing with kids until I had my own and I just turned out a disaster of a parent. I struggle to get the pots washed, laundry done, dinner done. DD1 always shouting me for attention as I struggle to muddle through the house work. She's completely underestimulated at home but with a 10 month old I feel I have no time to give her! She always asks to paint and draw and stuff but she makes such a mess ( draws/paints on herself, her toys,her aind even on DD2...) i absolutely dread having more to clean up.

I try to take her out once a day on the scooter now the weathers picked up but the other parts of the day she's just so bored in front of the TV. The time I give her never seems enough.

Any advice as I'm.just rambling now but I feel her childhood is wasting away and I'm ruining it :'(

Ah OP don’t beat yourself up. Those ages are the hardest by far, you’re in the worst bit now.

I have a 10yo and a 7yo and as someone with older kids who went through exactly the same - it gets easier. Miles easier.

People will tell you it doesn’t. They’re wrong.

The good news is that there is VERY little you can do to cock it up at the ages of your kids, they’re simple creatures with simple needs and a day in the house on a warm day will be their idea of a great day.

Mine now at their ages are in the window of “wow I could actually fuck this up so let’s not” but because I’m not as tired and I sleep and the kids are independent, not fucking it up is definitely easier. But you’re doing a grand job, you will be the sun moon and stars to your kids (you will miss this one day I promise when your DD is 10 and has an attitude that you’re soooo embarrassing 😂)

One thing I wish someone had told me when I was in your position is that the everyday decision you make now don’t matter. Get them up, feed them, let them play and bed. If you don’t go out, they won’t care. The big decisions that affect them come much later when you have more energy and insight to make them - which secondary school they go to, how you approach problems they have, which friendships to support, wether it’s time to let them go to the park with their mates etc - are more important than anything you decide tomorrow

Take care lovely x

Thank you so much for your insight and kind words, though I genuinely was not looking for sympathy and was expecting some butt whooping in the comments I definitely feel better after reading your message. It kinda feels like 'me' talking to me from the future lol. I see you have 2 lovely girls also and a similar ages gap. I pray your relationship with them only goes from strength to strength. I'm sure you're doing such an amazing job with them also... all the best xx

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time op, but honestly I disagree with the pp that things don't matter at this age. There's literally tons of research into how crucial the early years are and a 3 year old getting "smacked several times" by their mum shouldn't be minimised. And you wonder why she's "struggling with her behaviour like hitting"?! I don't want to kick you when you're down, you've come on here because you're struggling and just admitting that was a huge step, but practically it's no good hand wringing on here just to be told "oh Hun it's so hard, here's a hug". If you'd come on here saying her dad had smacked her several times, everyone would be (rightfully) outraged and question yours and the kids safety.

Be honest with your HV in how much you're struggling, look into a parenting course - my nursery recommended the triple p course to me, to give us some support with our son who is awaiting an autism assessment. Just getting different ideas really helped. There's no shame is asking for and using resources available.

Same with therapy/counselling, to help you work on ways to cope with the stress and anger you've been feeling.

Is your 3 year old in nursery at all? That could help with stimulation, give you some space and give you some more support?

I really hope you get the support you need for you and your family.

Obviously abuse is different but the OP is not abusing her child she’s talking about the worry of not taking them out for the day, not smacking them

She needs to be in nursery and you in work so you get some time apart and so she is in a routine. A good firm NO wouldn’t go amiss neither.

She literally says is her first post that she's smacked the 3 year old several times.

Can you take her out to more activities? Sounds like she has a lot of energy and is bored and frustrated at home. Like PP says nursery if possible, maybe a couple of mornings per week would help. Can your husband persevere more with being involved with both kids for bedtimes, mealtimes etc. you sound completely burnt out and need some time to yourself however possible. Sending hugs

You are in the thick of difficult parenting and you are tired. You do need to stop smacking, now. Set this aside, do not beat yourself up but stop. You need some support so take what is offered. Really focus on your reactions and breathe before you do or say anything. You need to find more positive ways to be with dc1 and this may take time and energy but it will be worth it in the end. It will get better but learning positive parenting will help you navigate issues through the coming years.

It sounds like she needs nursery. It mentally exhausts them as well as burning energy off, and once she settles it will be good for all of you.
Do you live in a town, can you get to places like soft play/library/whatever on the bus/train? Why don't you drive?

I have a very highly strung, demanding DS1 and a 10 month old. It’s taken having kids to make me realise I need lots of moments of peace and quiet throughout the day otherwise I become quickly overwhelmed and overstimulated. I don’t cope well with lots of noise and chaos. I could well see myself becoming shouty mum if I had them at home all day. I hope not smacky mum but who knows.

So for this reason DS1 goes to pre school 9-3 4 days a week even though I’m at home on maternity leave. I make no apologies for this. We are all much happier for it and I’m a better parent the time he isn’t at school.

Id really recommend looking into this. It’s not failing to recognise you need help.

I think it's just that you've made it quite hard on yourself being stuck at home with no car with two small children all day. It sounds like the rest of us who had to do it through lockdown, with just a tiny walk about each day. It's bloody hard. It's not fun. It's not so much that you're doing it wrong, but you've somewhat intentionally trapped yourself at home with nothing to do and two small children. Most people would lose it.

Your eldest is certainly eligible for funded hours (and maybe youngest soon too with the changes that have occurred?). I think you need to sort out transport (public transport or a car/driving) and you need to sort out nursery for one or both of them to give you a break and to give them, especially your older one, a chance to improve her social skills, which will help with some of the challenging behaviours. There is a reason these resources are available, because it's really hard doing what you're doing and probably not to the benefit of either of them. I think have a SAHP can be great, if you're providing the socialisation and experiences that match what a communal setting with other children can provide. But if you're just stuck at home ripping your hair out, what's the point? It's not good for them or you.

Have you seen your GP? It sounds like you're struggling mentally and being completely honest all I read is you putting the blame on your eldest. You smacked her because you lost control, not because of her behaviour. My eldest was a difficult toddler and preschooler and it's bloody hard going so I've got plenty of sympathy but you can't hit your kid.

I've got a similar age gap, I found nursery for my eldest to be a lifesaver. He'd have plenty of times to play with pals, I could focus on the baby on those days and get as much housework/shopping done as possible during naps and when she was in her bouncy chair/play mat. The days I had both of them we'd get outside as much as possible, even in the rain, even if we only walked to the shop. We'd do things DS wanted to do and DD just came along for the ride. Limit TV and make it an activity in itself (this is then your chance to get stuff done or inhale biscuits) rather than just on in the background being distracting. They aren't really open due to COVID when my two were that age but church hall stay & plays are great for mixed ages and hopefully wear them both out. Lots of praise, lots of positive comments, lots of positive talk.

I feel for you op but if you're having issues with your daughter being aggressive and violent then hitting her is just teaching her this is the right way to behave, you really need to stop. Just embrace the help you get from the health visitor

Thank you all for the comments I'm going to go through them properly and reply when little ones are in bed.

Just for clarification DD1 is in nursery 3 days a week 9.30 until 2pm, we definitely have better days on these days but it's been extremely stressful getting her to and from nursery as I have to constantly rely on others to drop her and fetch her when DD2 was newly born and the weather wasn't great. Thr nursery isn't as close as id like but i made that sacrifice because its a good nursery. Now the weather is better we bus it and will be taking my driving test very soon! I know this will make Me feel less restricted if I can get my license but for now I have to find other ways to cope for thr sake of my children.

I appreciate the honest input even if it's harsh I agree smacking is not the way which is why I'm making a conscious effort not to do it anymore.

She is in nursery 3 days a week 9.30 until 2pm but I definitely think I need something for me.

Yes I do agree, and I am looking forward to getting some support.

Oh Christ OP, meant in the kindest way, get used to it. We ALL get it wrong ALL THE TIME. When I get it right and recognise a brilliant parenting moment I give myself a pat on the back!
You can be assured the ones who think or claim to get it right all the time are fucking up the most as they are the least self aware and least self monitoring. The fact that you are aware when you perform less than optimally means you are striving to do well.

Honestly GPS are just useless nower days, not had the best experience with them. They mistreated my mum when she got really ill, treated her like a crazy person when she was going through chronic pain. We nearly lost her to mental health. So I just have no faith in them anymore, hoping the health visitor can help, they've always been really helpful over the phone in the past...

Thank you for the other advice. Any tips on how to keep DD2 out of mischief when DD1 IS Doing messy play? She's 10 months old and into everything! It limits what I can do.with DD1 sometimes

I agree with your sentiment but I don't fully agree that the decisions you make today are not as important. The example we give when they are young are paramount in how they develop critical thinking, confidence, empathy, resilience and compassion. Also how to manage stress and emotions.
But these are mostly taught through demonstrating through our behaviours. Not what we say

Yes I think my biggest regret was not learning to drive sooner. Working on that now, taking lessons, test is soon. DD1 already in nursery x3 times each week. I'm hoping with a bit more flexibility and eventually a car things will improve. Also when DD2 gets a bit older things may settle down.