Feeling broken

[Ifonlyfortoday]

I have a 3.5 and 1.5 yo. Neither sleeps through the night. The eldest is in own bed/room but wakes roughly twice a night and needs cuddling back to sleep in toddler bed. My husband usually does this and can take up to an hour before he returns to our bed. My youngest starts night in cot but comes into bed with us anytime from 9.30 onwards and even then can be v upset in bed and wakes 2-3 times. Both usually up at 5-6am

Behaviour recently in the day has been such a challenge with both - pushing, pinching, testing lots of boundaries, wailing if I leave the room or tend to one child over the other. We try to stay calm, clear and consistent in boundaries and consequences

I work p/t, have had a fairly attachment led approach to parenting and still bf the younger one in early hours of morning. We've also done some sleep training which saw some improvement but whenever next illness came along it regressed and much harder to reinstate.

My husband and I are both totally running on empty. He has a permanent cold, we have no time to ourselves together or seperately, our mental and physical health is declining.

I feel like a total and utter failure. I know parenting is hard, life changing and constant. But we don't seem to have any balance where others do and I'm so overwhelmed and exhausted I don't know how to make things better

I really feel for you. I commented on another thread recently saying that there's a reason that sleep deprivation is used for torture, it's one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with.

Can I suggest some practical steps that might help?

If the DC are fighting when you are out of the room, one of them has to come with you. It might be awkward but it might be easier than dealing with the fall out? Alternatively, does the younger one have a playpen that you could stick them in? My DF used a travel cot with some toys in.

Try some gentle night weaning again with the youngest. They don't need the calories over night after 12 months and they might start to sleep through once they realise it's not on offer like my DD did.

Have a read of The No Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers & Preschoolers. It might help with your DC1.

Are they both getting outside to burn off some energy and to get some sunlight at least once a day too? Sunlight is proven to help with sleep at night and exercise is also good for sleep.

Thank you so much for your kind reply.

For the eldest we have tried sticker charts for sleep and a gro clock. We still stay at bedtime reading a story until asleep - it usually doesn't take more than 15 mins but maybe we need to start trying to leave them awake more at bedtime?

I think the biggest problem with youngest is the layering of associations they now have - coming into our bed, the feeding etc. Need to unpick it but when they are so hysterical and you are so desperately craving any sleep, the 'easiest' option wins but I think that's made everything harder over the long term and is now unsustainable but feels so difficult to change. I feel so responsible but thought I was doing my best by offering as much comfort as I have been.

They both get outside time throughout the day, whether in our garden or parks. I think trying to foster some more smaller amounts of independent play might help?

I would recommend the 'The Baby Sleep Solution' book by Lucy Wolf. It's a gentle technique not cry it out. I used this and from around 12m DD would self settle to sleep at bedtime and I think this helped with night sleep x

The thing I found hardest about tackling the DC's sleep schedule as feeling enough on top of things to actually do it. Have you got a couple of days when you're both off gat you could give it a try? Maybe one does Friday night and has a lie on Saturday and the other does Saturday night and has a lie in on Sunday?

Another option is 2 mattresses on the floor in your room, one each for the DC. They can sleep there if they want but at least they aren't in your bed keeping you awake etc.