Bed sharing causing issues

[herbalt]

so I am
happy to bed share with our 2.5 yo. He likes to be close and sleeps better

DH is oddly so anti bed sharing. But after hearing MIL I assume it’s as growing up it was a fixed rule kids never get in the bed.

its causing a bit of a rift now he keeps getting worked up and snapping at me over it. Saying DS is nearly 3 he shouldnt be getting in with us

he then said we feel like just parents and it’s hurting our relationship. We are in a bit of a roommate phase but the time DS gets in the bed (between 11pm-3am) we wouldn’t be intimate anyway really? Sounds odd but DH was very particular about times and we’d just go to sleep during those times so he’s not hindering us being intimate by getting in?

so I can’t understand his argument

but now he’s getting wound up with me and saying I’ll make him too attached

how do we find a middle here ?

You do need to listen to him, it's his bedroom too, and as you say, need to find a middle ground. I think that requires a conversation with him rather than with people on mumsnet! I can understand where he's coming from - I am very anti having DD in our bed and if husband was insisting on it I would find it difficult. You just need to talk to each other and work out a way through it.

You admit you are going through a ‘roommate phase’ and rather than attempting to ignite passion, you’re putting a toddler in between you? I can see why DH would feel quite rejected

Don’t yet me wrong, I think bed sharing can work, and if everyone is up for it, it can be lovely. But if one party isn’t on board, it can be quite stressful and unpleasant for them.

Plus with it being quite warm at night now, I’d be a bit annoyed about having to put pants on frankly 😂

I’m a big fan on bed sharing, but DH is much less keen. It’s not just about intimacy, it makes him sleep less well.

DD does come in when she really needs it for some reason. But mostly I squish in her little bed when she wants to share (not usually for the whole night). And when DH is away she’s in our bed to get her fix.

I wouldn’t impose it on someone who’s not keen. It’s his bed too.

I had mine in with me more or less from the beginning but by 2.5 they were definitely in their own beds. Some parents bedshare for longer but it doesn't sound like it's working for you as a family any more.

Id talk to DH. Tell him that you've listened to how he's feeling and ask him when he thinks it will be best to start to return DS to his own bed as you'll probably need his help to settle him.

I'd also arrange a couple of nights out with your DH so that you've both got something to look forward to away from DS.

DS isn't allowed in bed with until 5am. Usually its more like 6-7 lately. Until then he settled back into his own bed. We all sleep better and it's not just about sex but intimacy is also cuddling with your partner in the morning. And it isn't comfortable sleeping with three people in the bed. 11pm is most of the night.

Totally agree. 11pm is most of the night. I don't go to bed until 11 most nights.

I was being a bit. Too headstorng when I posted this

it is his bed too you’re all right and when I say how I feel about it , his opinion matters too

i did just get annoyed at his comment because he isn’t majorly physically affectionate anyway. I loved cuddles and he’d cuddle for less than 2/3 mins? Then say he wanted his space. He should just say he doesn’t want him in cos he wants his space nothing to do with intimacy

but we do need to find a middle I’m unsure what it is I love having DS innwith us

And DS sleeps loads better so I think he likes being in

You're not considering his needs just what you like, nearly 3 should be in his own bed all night.

Of course he does your a lovely warm teddy bear but that's just getting used to not being cuddled all night. Personally I couldn't sleep my lo used to move around so much I was awake all night my husband slept like a log. If one of you isn't happy it should stop

I hate bed sharing as well.. I like my space and I would wake constantly having a child in bed with me. We've done it on holiday when he was younger and a strange environment which is fine for a few days, but couldn't do it all the time. Luckily he likes his bed.

But as you say, you love having him in with you but your DH doesn’t. So middle ground is either DD only coming in when he really needs it, so not never, or having a couple of days a week in with you but that might be more confusing for your DS.

OP, being honest, do you find that having your child in your bed is a way of filling in some intimacy that you are currently missing?

In which case, the conversation for your husband might go that you will work on ways to return son to own bed, but you'd like him to try to be more appreciative and affectionate - you're probably both feeling the roommate thing and he thinks the bed sharing is to blame, whilst for you it is maybe more symptomatic of a drift?

I think ultimately if it’s his bed too and he’s not happy with it then something needs to change. Could you maybe co sleep with him but in a bed in his room. Our set up is me and DH have our bedroom and but there is a small double in the baby’s room and when baby wakes up I join him in that. It works well for us, everyone sleeps well but it still feels like me and DHs bedroom is ours.