Extremely aggressive 4 year old

[Jinxy16]

Hi looking for advice for my extremely aggressive 4 year old. He hits me, pulls my hair, scratches, spits and has started swearing in my face. He has always been a challenging child and for around 2 years now he has hit and pulled my hair. He is in reception and his behaviour has gotten so much worse. His aggression and anger really worries me and now the words he has started to say is completely shocking. Alot if the time I don't even kmow what sets him off. It seems to come out of nowhere alot of the time. He is aggressive at school and does not seem to listen at all.
I have contacted the GP for a referral but was rejected and told to go on a parenting course. School just seems to think he needs to learn to control his emotions
He tries to smash and break things around the house so struggling to leave him in any room to calm down as things will just be smashed. Struggling to know how to calm him as can't get through to him

How do you punish him if he is aggressive?

It sounds like he's struggling especially now he's at school. Look up pda autism, it might be a light bulb moment for you

We have tried taking things away but doesn't seem to have much effect. Have tried naughty step but he will not stay and will just try and destroy anything close by. We have tried to be focus on the positive and do things like reward charts but behaviour just seems to continue. I'm not sure the level of aggression he has is normal. Alot of the time he can't seem to explain what upset him in the first place. This sort of behaviour happens almost everyday and has been going on for a long time. He has gotten so much worse since starting school

I think the time has come to show some (restrained) self defence tbh.

@ItssssAMeMariooo92 A family member actually mentioned pda to me recently. I will look it up. He is definitely struggling more since starting school. He complains about the noise of school. I have approached the school a number of times about this and they just seem to brush it off as him being one of the youngest and he needs to learn to control the emotions

This sounds a lot like PDA, might be worth speaking with the school SENCO or your local HV team if he still under 5yrs.

www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/behaviour/demand-avoidance

Tbh I'd push constantly for an assessment to get the support you need and be able to understand his needs. Look into self regulation and sensory overwhelm. Try ear defenders. Try to audit his environment and remove the things he doesn't need to see, hear, feel (labels on clothes) at least 1 blank wall in his room, declutter, read food labels for additives, no juice just water or milk, low sugar. Provide a dark quiet space, pop up tent or similar. Unplug things in his room at night. Talk in quiet voice, avoid making demands, Speak to health visitor if you can to make 100% sure he isn't in pain or irritated by something physical, learn baby massage, white noise, how to co-regulate. You must be exhausted but it can get better.

Hate to be the one to ask it but what's home life like? How does DH behave when he's angry? Where's he picking up the swear words from? Does he have older siblings who play fight or are unintentionally giving him access to unsuitable media?

Thanks @needcoffee123 I have just had a quick look at pda and alot of it sounds like my son. Anything like getting dressed or brushing teeth is a battle and can end up in me being hit or having things thrown at me

@PTSDBarbiegirl thanks for all the great advice. I do think I will have to keep pushing to get some more help. I am finally meeting the school senco next week after months of asking the school to speak to them so hopefully will get start to get somewhere. I will definitely try some of things you have mentioned

@SleepingStandingUp home life is fine. Nothing has changed recently. Tbh we have no idea where the swear words have come from as this is a fairly recent thing and we try and make sure we don't use that type of language at home. It has been quite shocking hearing him come out with some of these words. My partner is calm with him but I tend to deal with my son more so my partner can watch my younger child as we don't want it to have an effect on my youngest.

Lots of good advice here already. I teach a little boy who exhibits very similar behaviour and we use a PACE approach with him. Might be worth having a look at.

Agree with seeking assessment.

Definite no to Naughty Step, calming down on own or punishments, which will only escalate him. He needs coregulation from you as he cannot self regulate. Look up therapeutic parenting on FB. A v supportive group.

@mikado1 definitely agree with no naughty step or punishment as it just makes it harder for him to calm down. We stopped with the naughty step along time ago as it just wasn't helping. I do stay in the room with him when it is happening as he would end up smashing everything around him. We try hard to be calm and let him know we are there for him to help calm him. It's just hard as been going on for so long now and I feel exhausted being hurt everyday and its just heartbreaking to see him struggle so much

It is hard and you sound a very kind and loving parent. Rituals, routines, forward planning might help. Have your nonnegotiables but keep them limited, you will likely have to be flexible on the negotiables. I would insist on teeth brushing for example but won't push a coat (I'd bring it along myself in case needed later). Nonetheless you are the leader and it's important he can feel this. Often you'd feel like letting them away with things and ruling the roost a bit. When and then clear instructions can be useful. Lots of snuggles, laughs, happy moments for all those lovely hormones will benefit him. I am a primary teacher and play therapist, dm if I'm any good to you

Recently a parent told me they let their child 'get it out of their system' to avoid confrontation. Ie things were being broken, child was losing control. This isn't a solution. She has changed things now and there has been quite a change in behaviour.

Honestly, don't dismiss the courses. GPs have to be sure that all roads to remedy have been taken before referral. Can you imagine how many kids would be diagnosed with something if they didn't, knowing how much ignorance is out there when it comes to parenting. And the best parents, have snapped up every opportunity that's been made available to them to help manage things. None of us are perfect, and whilst a lot of things may be irrelevant, they are worth it just for that tiny bit you may not have in place, or simply to demonstrate you are doing everything right . They also give you an understanding of what is going on in that little brain, to help YOU cope with the behaviour. Trust me, its easier to tolerate once you can knowledgabely sympathise.

Once the parenting courses are done, you have everything in place consistently and things are still kicking off, then you get the referral. It's a process.

At 8yr old we are finally being referred for an ADHD assessment, and school now has an ADHD plan in place. its been a long and exhausting 6 years, but the difference in him is incredible. Stick with it, you will get there!

Big hug too, its bloody hard.

Can you detail some of the ADHD plan? That might be helpful. Most of these accommodations can work for all children and meanwhile help those who need it, with or without diagnosis.