Teenage friendship issues

[Emmaheather]

My 15 year old son is very much on the periphery of a friendship group. He hangs out with friends at school but outside of school he's often left out. For example, we live close to school and his friends will plan to do something after he's headed home. Occasionally he's invited but often he isn't, and he can see the core group of 6 hanging out together on snap maps. He's extrovert, would like to do more outside of school and is a bit lonely. Yesterday evening they were all out together and he went to the gym on his own. I'm proud he made a positive choice about how to look after himself in this situation but a bit sad for him. I don't know if he's not invited because they aren't keen on him, because they are doing stuff I don't think he would (e.g. weed/drinking), or something else.

One of this group was his best friend in primary and he basically ditched him the first week of secondary school. I get the sense this boy doesn't want him included and I don't think he's particularly kind. I'm quite friendly with his mum which is a bit awkward.

My son has been in a couple of different friendship groups in secondary school and has had a few issues. He was friends with a couple of girls who were having issues with gender identity and self harm in year 7, and I think he was totally out of his depth. He was then friends with a boy who became more and more off the rails (fighting, vaping etc) and I'm glad this came to an end. My son can be a bit hot headed and intense but is also kind and funny. I think he's quite socially skilled and we got some lovely feedback from his work experience placement in a sports centre about this.

I know friendship issues in teenage years are really common. I'm trying to acknowledge it/give him an opportunity to talk, but not make a big deal of it and plan more stuff outside of school so he's got other positive things to focus on. He'll probably get a weekend job at 16 which I think will be good for him.

Any other advice ....or reassurance?!

I didn't love school and very much felt on the outside so I think it reminds me of this. I've got fantastic friends in adulthood and only really kept friends with one person from school, so know what's going on for him now doesn't mean that's his future.

OP, I sympathise enormously as I'm finding teenage relationship dramas with my son and daughter absolutely exhausting.

It was bad enough in my day but is ten times worse with mobiles and social media as there is no let up.

I am now at a point where I simply don't get involved. I listen and advise but I try not to worry excessively as I thrn find I'm constantly digging for details and often don't like what I hear!

Funnily enough I find it harder to deal with my 15 yr old sons dramas than my daughter's which mainly seem to be good old fashioned bitching.

Perhaps your son will find his tribe when he leaves school. I certainly did.

@Sallycinnamum god it's difficult, isn't it?! I feel really upset for him. Sorry to hear you are in the same boat but glad we're not alone. I thought I might escape friendship drama having boys and interesting to hear your sons dramas are harder.
Maybe I'll get to spend more time with him as a result! I have a sense he'll be fine after school when friendship cliques are less common.

All you can do is provide a safe listening environment and don't make a big deal out of it!

I know that's easier said than done but I think we often project our own worries onto our kids and they need to learn to forge their own path and learn how to manage relationships on their own.

Honestly he'll be fine! Secondary school is bloody brutal and the next year will fly by.