No-one wants to play with my daughter

[Anwen5]

We’ve just come home from another birthday party of someone in my daughter’s class at school. The whole class gets invited to parties, and we always go along.
My daughter is 3, in the nursery class, and very young in the year - she turns 4 in July.
None of the other children in the class want to play with my daughter, and it just breaks my heart every time. My daughter is always playing by herself, the teachers say she’s the same at school.
I try and encourage her to go and play with the other children, but I’m so worried this is just my own projection of wanting her to have friends, and actually she’s perfectly happy - which she is - playing alone.
I always check she’s had a good day at school (always yes) and that she enjoys school (always yes). She sometimes tells me a girl at school doesn’t want to play with her, but she never dwells on it for long.

I’ve just come home tonight feeling so sad for her - obviously I think she’s the funniest, kindest, loveliest girl in the world so don’t understand why the other children don’t want to play with her. They all play with each other and lots of the girls have little friendship groups formed already.

What shall I do to help, or should I do nothing at all as long as she’s happy?

Any advice gratefully received, and if it sounds like I’m just projecting my own fears of needing to be “popular” in school onto my child, please please tell me ☹️

Is she going to reception in September or is she starting next year at compulsory school age?

Have you asked her nursery teacher about your concerns and asked if she has friends?

She’s going into Reception in September - she’s currently in the nursery within the school.

The teachers have told us she’s amazing with the ALN children in her class, very kind and caring, and that she’s very quiet, but they all say she’s an amazing role model. Just quiet - they “hardly hear her” (which isn’t true of her at home!!!)

I’ve never specifically asked about her friendships - do you think I should?

thanks so much for replying x

She's only three. I wouldn't agonise! Do you have your own school baggage that you're bringing to it?

My daughter is happy to do her own thing, always has been. Slowly moving into close friendships at 7.

Her nursery and school teachers did always say they would check and facilitate socializing if she wanted it. Asking if she was ok, inviting her to join a game, using a friendship bench or helping her to play with another kid on their own.

Really if your daughter's happy, don't worry.

Kindly, you are nuts.

Three year olds often play in tandem, so they will play next to another child rather than with them. It's completely normal, I promise you.

When a three year old says that someone doesn't want to play with them it can mean so many things. Maybe the other child doesn't understand or maybe they are just going to the toilet. It's likely that the other child just doesn't want to play with the train track or whatever it is but they don't have the skills to say 'no Jane, I don't want to play that but why don't we go in the sand instead.' They just say no.

If she's happy at nursery then you have nothing to worry about.

Ah, you said you do have baggage.

A hard thing about parenting is that you do need to let kids find their own way. If you try to intervene too much, you send the message that you don't think they're capable and they need your help.

Let her be. In the fullness of time, activities outside school like brownies etc can help build confidence.

Any advice gratefully received, and if it sounds like I’m just projecting my own fears of needing to be “popular” in school onto my child, please please tell me

Sorry OP, I'm saying this very gently, but that is exactly how it sounds to me. She's still so young at only 3 - bless her. If she is happy, then she is happy. Some children do like to play on their own and I think if she was crying and upset then that would be different. I think you will need to learn to trust her and be content with what she tells you otherwise you are going to drive yourself crackers!

Is it they don't want to play with her, or she doesn't actually want, mainly, to play with them?

If the former then ask the nursery teacher to monitor and work out why and go from there.

If the latter then she may just be a bit less mature and not into playing together so much yet.

Only if it’s something you’re concerned about.

@ElaineSqueaks is correct. It’s called parallel play.

Are you sure that your DD isn’t just choosing to play by herself? My daughter did this for ages at nursery. She would go off and play by herself most of the time. She is now 4 and a half and has developed a couple of friendships and is happy to play with two other girls. Maybe your DD will do the same.

Also, I notice a lot of 3 year olds sort of play by themselves at parties, just with other children nearby. I think it takes a while to actually play with other children and interact.

If she is happy, try not to read too much in to it. My DC didn't form proper friendships until they were 5 and more than half way through Reception. They didn't really get invited to birthday parties in nursery, whether the children weren't having big parties or whether we didn't get invited I don't know (it was COVID lockdowns for my eldest). Both now have good friends.

You can always meet with other mums so the children play together.

My DD didn’t really play with other kids at nursery or playdates, she would often run off on her own. She’s only started forming more stable relationships after 4 so to me it’s normal, she is an only child and because of COVID she wasn’t around anyone for most of her early life so other kids didn’t come easy to her.

She sounds like she’s one of the younger one’s so she’s not necessarily going to be at the same point as some of her older peers. I really wouldn’t worry, I think next year will be a bit easier.

I’m sure she’s lovely OP and she’ll find her feet, also friendship groups will continue to get mixed up over the years and she’ll no doubt find someone she likes. If she’s mentioned any children in particular have you tried arranging playdates?

If she's happy, just chill out. Leave her be. She'll find friends when she wants them.

I was that child. Always minding my own business (probably due to dyspraxia diagnosed in my mid 40s). The trouble is with children you must be part of a pack otherwise the child end up being bullied. This is what happened to me from the age 10-11 onwards. One of my children has dyspraxia too. I made sure I invited lots of his classmates to our house even though they all would end up playing with the younger sibling. I also encouraged my son to play football even though he wasn't terribly good at it. The result is my son is still very much a loner (like me) but somehow still part of the crowd. He did experience some bullying in Y8. I hit the roof and the school took action which helped. This has been my experience. I think there is a lot you could do as a mum. Mixing up with other mums might be one strategy followed up by inviting lots of children once your daughter starts Reception (which my own mum couldn't do for all sorts of reasons). I hope it helps

My DD didn’t really play with children her age, older children would play with her (my friends children). Try not to dwell, when she hits reception it’ll change.

OP my DS is the same age as your DD and in a ver similar situation but I’m not worried. As PPs have said, st this stage they’re still working a lot of this stuff out. Some seem much more driven from an early age to have close friends and others are frankly unbothered. My son loves to proclaim that I am his best friend! I’m hoping it might come on a bit in Reception but honestly at nursery just enjoy the fact she’s content going.

She is too young for you to be worrying about this op. I have a 3 year old and it doesn’t even occur to me to be worried about this.

My DS is that child too albeit he's a year older. He doesn't have a best friend or even a group of friends but he sort of potters around by himself, playing with whoever is doing something he's interested in. He's getting a bit better at parties and things - or, at least, he's not the only one doing it - but he views of all of his classmates as his friends and is not remotely fussed. I think I was much the same really at primary school, not particular friends with any one person but happy to get along with everyone

The main thing is that DD is happy. At 3 it’s not unusual to play alongside rather than with another child or children. Especially if she’s younger than most in her class, the others might have reached the playing with someone else stage before her. Some children are more self-contained than others and if they’re happy with that I think that’s ok. When she is in reception as long as she’s not being intentionally excluded when she wants to play with someone and is upset, just check with nursery she is content.

Thank you all so much for your replies - you’ve all been super kind and given me lots to think about.

Definitely starting to sound like it’s a “me” problem rather than her, so I guess it’s something I’m going to need to work on for myself - otherwise as someone pointed out, I’m going to drive myself crackers! 😊

x

She's really little still. She will find her way. When I first read the title I thought you would say it's because she smacks, bites, snatches etc. But she sounds great - just a bit on the quiet side which is fine. Once she is at school the sorts of structured activities they will be doing will build teamwork skills and she will be just fine.

I think this is very normal for her age developmentally and agree with others I think it's more you projecting! Totally understandable though, we want them to be happy and as adults part of that is developing friendships for most people. I'm sure it will come. If nursery aren't worried I wouldn't worry.