wanting to protect my mental health as an under confident mom. Tips please!

[Meekmouse]

stay At home parents or parents in general:

please advise me on how you mind yourself through parenting (your mind and wellbeing). How do you stay confident?

I have two kids I adore and after a hard upsetting fertility journey and hard life events.
I think I’d like to stay home to mind them for a while. I’ve always found the profession I’m in stressful and also I live in an area where childcare is extortionate.
Anyway- each to their own and every parent needs to do what suits their family so my question isn’t asking anyone to justify their parenting or employment choices .
My two are very close in age (fourteen months) so my days are hectic and I feel I’m in survival mode. They are under two.
small comments from others really get under my skin. Example- an old lady telling me I should always put a brake on my buggy when it rolled slightly or another lady telling me my child should really wear a hat in the heat (absolutely true but my toddler tosses them off so it’s a big of a battle at the moment so sunscreen is being used in copious amounts). Both comments within an hour of each other. Returned to mess. I can’t keep on top of laundry. I give my children more processed food than I should. I feel there’s a lot I could improve on.
I don’t always eat well and feel stressed a lot.

My partner works full time. He tries but I’m just a bit negative of late.

I am finding I’m upset and irritable at the end of the day thinking I could be doing better and I think I need to manage my mental health better.
so please other parents- on a positive note what techniques do you use to manage your confidence and mood?
i know how lucky I am but I am hosting a pity party for myself so to speak!

2 under 2 is a hard stage. Give yourself grace. As a mum of 5, the things your kids will value and remember is the time you spent with them. Housework is not a priority right now, just do the basics. Definitely get some alone time when your partner is home, go for a walk or gym. Please don't let strangers comments get to you, people say all sorts with zero knowledge.

Thank you for the lovely supportive message. I had tears in my eyes reading it. Also hats off to you managing five -you must be superwoman so your opinion means a lot!!

You know when your car loses control you’re supposed to lean into it, that’s a bit like parenting! When people make comments, agree with them. “I know, they’re a nightmare” “you know what kids are like” “it’s never ending” seem to be my most common replies to strangers’ comments.

As for keeping/maintaining/gaining confidence… I have two friends, Hetty and Lil.

Hetty is very low, takes everything to heart, is constantly defensive and looking for offence where there is none, she is always stressed and everything gets on top of her to the point she locks herself away from the world.

Lil is always smiley (whether fake or not), looks for the positives, “little Johnny sneezed all over me but hey at least I remembered the wipes today”, takes things in her stride, doesn’t dwell on anything, looks for solutions, attracts good energy and when Hetty is at her lowest, tries to show her there is a big, fun adventure out there to be had. Let’s be honest Hetty refuses, Lil goes anyway, has a blast and Hetty is even more resentful and so it goes on.

Your kids are great, the mess will not be there forever, I promise you. It WILL get better. Your morning sickness passed when it felt never ending, your contractions passed when they felt never ending, school passed and rainy days have passed, look for the fun, arm yourself with GOOD people, I cannot stress that enough. Trust me, trust me, trust me you will get there.

Wow well that was very insightful thank you! I never thought about it that was but I’ve been a lot more like Hetty lately!
you have hit the nail on the head! I’m in a negative rut and need to get myself up out of it! I know a girl like your friend who is so positive and she is just a joy. A real extrovert who doesn’t dwell. There is a certain amount of trying to let comments slide and also I think your advice is good as it makes me see it’s just a stage.

My partner is really positive too (never says a bad word about anyone) so I need to maybe bring back some good energy! I probably still in a bit of a victim mindset since the fertility battle /body hating stuff and it’s mad because I never thought I’d get to this lovely space of having children.

Try to be kind to yourself. You are doing a great job I bet. Two under two is really tough especially for the first couple of years. People don’t understand unless they’ve been there themselves and then even people that have been through it forget after a while. Mine are nearly 3 and nearly 4 now and it’s definitely so much easier than it was so I promise you it does get easier. Lower your standards and then lower them again was some advice I got

It's great you get out a lot. Do you get to meet other people too?

Have a bit of a routine regarding food and laundry as they always seem to take up so much time and it really helps to free up time.
Something like put a wash on late at night or early morning, hang to dry, put away in the evening.
Plan easy cook meals. One pan or one pot dishes are great.
Have a podcast, radio or audiobook on for you so you're getting something for yourself.

I have almost 2 year old twins and for the past 2 years have been full time mum to them. It has been hard and I can sympathetise with the mental health issues, the first 6 months almost broke me. Also stranger comments, why do they have to say things is beyond me. The other day 1 dd was running out the shop towards the road whilst her twin sat on the floor and refused to move, so I left the one in the shop in order to chase the other, a lady called after me "you have left your child here"

Things that helped me

• Don't be hard on yourself. What would you say to a friend in your position?
• Have time each day to yourself. Even if it's only half an hour in another room to read a book.
• I got a cleaner (obviously some are not lucky enough to have this luxury)
• Accept help, I struggled to do this and tried to do everything myself.
• Enjoy the small things and small wins. Those laughs of your child by things you have done. Focus on these at the end of the day rather than the mess etc, that's what your children will remember.

hahahahahhahahahha

That's manic solidarity laughter by the way.

Having two under two BROKE me. I've no advice other than don't fall into alcohol and Law and Order Special Victims unit induced sleep deprivation to deal with it but once they are at school and a bit more independent it is just that little bit easier to love them and feel like you can do it. They turn into these fabulous little people and, for a few years until the teenage years hit, its even enjoyable.

No one has their shit together, some people are just better at hiding it than others.

You’re managing very well. My days are mostly worse than yours and I just show myself kind and if it’s not the end of the world, I don’t let it end my world.

“If you don’t laugh, you will cry” i have no idea where it came from but i live by it, there have been times i could have cried over the years but found the funny side, im mum to 5, 13yo, 12yo, twins 8 and 4 month old (surprise baby lol) im currently ill with a awful cold, ebf and she won’t take a bottle so no breaks for me, she is teething and clingy and my autistic son decided to not like the bus for school this morning, ending in a day off school for him, meaning even less rest for my poor pounding head lol the cherry on the cake that nearly made me cry- tried to eat my dinner with 2 forks this evening and it actually took me a minute to realise why my ‘knife’ wasn’t working 😂 so what did i do, laughed at myself lol my 13yo daughter then says- mum i think you need more sleep- made me laugh harder since my 4 month old is waking almost every hour, but hey we all have those days/weeks/months where nothing seems to go right n everything is uphill but if you can laugh about it at the end of the day you’re doing ok xx

Wow thank you everyone. Will try to respond one by one so hear with me but thank you for all the wisdom!!! This is great support.

The old ladies probably also disapprove of your clothing choices, decor, relationship, hair, etc etc. so what? They've got their perspective and you've got yours. Either smile and nod or ask if they had kids and what if was like - I bet they'd remember some challenging moments and mistakes too.

If in doubt, go out. Being outdoors and meeting people are good for mental health. Take it from someone who had two little ones during the pandemic - we had to stay in a lot and it wasn't good.

Screw the house. Raising your kids is the most important thing. So long as it's not a health hazard, it's fine.

No clouds allowed: thank you for saying this. It’s true- I care far too much about what judgemental types think to be honest! Yeah it occurred to me that if we eat outdoors there is less mess and food being flung. I don’t know how I didn’t think of this previously! I can’t imagine how stressful it must have been to be stuck indoors with kids during covid. Very hard!

Avie29 well you are a superhero managing your family! I think it’s very sweet your 13 year old said this. It shows great awareness. Also that’s so impressive you are keeping up your ebf journey. I formula fed myself but at the same time I have full respect for those managing bf with other kids to mind at the same time! Yeah a sense of humour is probably going to be my saviour next time I have mu whirlwind running around me- my toddler is genuinely hilarious and crazy!

Such wise words DrCee - you know it is great to hear this perspective!! Yeah I mean I’m making every mistake in the book I am certain but I need to just suck it up and move on!

pasta best your response really really made me laugh! What an exact description. Lol! Yeah it’s just everything kicking off together with babies under two is absolutely the most stressful thing at the moment! Example- begging a toddler to come back so I can change a Standup nappy (this happens multiple times a day a while my other poor baby has to wait- sometimes hungrily!) or begging toddler to stay with me/watch tv for five minutes/play with toy while I try to feed the baby who decides to take a very long time to decide what they want…bottle or no bottle….

Donimo I feel you also really get it! You must be so busy with twins (Avie 29 too) but I loved everything you said here and genuinely great advice! What a silly thing for someone to say as you were doing the safest thing trying to catch your toddler (my toddler an absolute runaway escape artist with a one track mind which almost deserves a post of its own) I definitely don’t accept help enough. I am with you on getting a cleaner…. It’s worth a Google even if it’s just a once off deep clean

i live in salems lot…. Yeah the truth is here - I take the long way around instead of building routines but I think routines might be the way forward as you say. No in truth I don’t meet others much- it’s just I often feel I’m only barely surviving and a change to the bedtime routine or something will make everything so much harder so I don’t get out a huge amount. I need to both retain and make friends to be Honest. Between everything I haven’t really socialised with many people in a long long time. I feel envious of others with lots of mom friends when I bring the kids to the park etc. I love audiobooks and podcasts so I love your suggestion