Ex wants contact after three years of NC

[WorthyPanda]

Coming out of lurking for some advice please.

Long story short, I’ve been separated ten years and divorced five. Ex husband was abusive, coercive and controlling and this continued after we separated. I ended up having to have non molestation orders and police involvement. I always tried to maintain a relationship with him and his two children with me. They were 2 and 3 when we split. Ex has always used drugs and alcohol problematically and goes through periods of abstinence and then binging for months again.
To protect the children I would pause contact when he was using or his mum would supervise. Over the years he has been inconsistent with contact, caring for them and generally pretty awful.

He had a relationship with a lovely lady about five years ago but was domestically abusive to her as well and she also raised concerns of emotional neglect and abuse to the children. This prompted Children’s Services to contact me and recommend supervised contact only. He went mad when I said this and maintained a campaign of abuse against me and my now husband. We had to get the police involved again and a marker was put on our house in case he turned up. He was convicted of DA and stalking of his ex partner.

He refused to have supervised contact as said he wasn’t a bad dad and wasn’t having anyone criticise his parenting. I tried to maintain phone contact with him and the children and had scheduled calls set for them but he often missed them and in the end it was upsetting the children as they were being constantly let down. When he did call he would cry and say he missed them and it wasn’t his fault he couldn’t see them. Eventually the calls dried up and I then informed him via a solicitor that these would stop completely as it was not benefitting the children.

Since then he has not contacted them or sent Christmas or birthday presents. His mum and sisters send presents and I do to their children bur he has never put any from him in with their parcel. He owes £17,000 in child maintenance payments but they cannot collect them as he has no bank account and works cash in hand and is not listed as living anywhere (lives on his mum sofa).

Last week I received a random Facebook message from his new partner who was trying to arrange visitation. She states she knows his history and he is a changed man and is desperate to fix things. I replied very civilly and stated that the supervised contact thing remained the same and that he knows the process. I informed her that he had chosen not to see his children and wasn’t financially supporting them either and she said he was keen to see them now and that he hasn’t paid maintenance because he didn’t think he should whilst not seeing them, but that he doesn’t have a bank account, but is willing to pay when he sorts that out.

I have today received an email from a contact centre saying he has paid the referral fee and some forms to fill in. As the fee needs to be paid via BACS I don’t think he has paid it but his partner has and I can’t help but think this is all to impress her (she has two very young children).

I do not want my children to think I have blocked a relationship with their father but I also have worked so hard to create a stable, happy life for them that he could destabilise very easily. I’m not sure his motives are pure here and I am also concerned about his ability to easily coerce them. My eldest has ASD and this could be very upsetting for him.

I just need to know how to manage this so my children are protected and their needs are first and foremost.

I'm guessing from your post that the kids are now 12/13? They are old enough to decide themselves and no court will make then see their father if they don't want to. I agree that he doesn't sound like anything has changed really and i would try to keep them away from him as much as I could. If they really want to then of course they should.

When children havent had contact with a parent for a long long time like this, its best to start off with a letter or card from that parent, that gives the child time to read it, digest it, process it, might have questions about that parent, might want to write back and ask questions directly of dad etc etc

Its right to ask them what they want, at their age. Its right to take it slowly, dad might write to them and they might not be curious or want to read it right now, thats ok and they might not be ready for direct contact

You could then move from letters/cards to a video call, a 10 min chat, or they may even want to meet him right now, it depends on them

I would then maintain the supervision at the contact centre. If it is all about the girlfriend, it will unfortuantely fizzle out and the kids will no doubt be disappointed or confused, or they'll learn that unfortuantely he cant commit to them and they will then need your support to come to terms with that

Take it slowly, dont be bullied and rushed.

Thank you. I think this is what I needed. A letter or card and a chance for them to process that and reply and ask questions, sounds much better and allows them to be in control of the speed of this, rather than me just saying he has asked for contact and shipping them off to a contact centre.

I know they are older than the typical cases of child contact issues on here, but there has been a lot of hurt and anger and thinking it is their fault over the years, which has been addressed through therapy and lots of talking. However they are still children and at a delicate age with puberty and hormones. So I need to make sure they feel they are in control of this whole process. I am also aware they might have a lot of questions, well will have a lot of questions.

Well done OP for looking after your children through this difficult situation.

I think the advice of a letter is a good one and I'd sit down with the DC and explain the situation in very plain terms. Your birth father has been in touch and would like to contact you. Ask them how they would feel about this and if there's anything they'd like to say or have in place. They are a bit older so I think they'd welcome the openness. I don't have experience with ND DC so not sure on that front though

I agree with thr letter idea - if he is really serious, he will understand that this is a good way to do what's best for the children. However, I would insist that you read anything first because I would be concerned the letters are manipulative.

The problem here is that there's no sign HE has chamged or accepted responsibility and his new gf who is trying to facilitate this has manages to message you and be completely chilled about her new man not paying to support his children because he didn't see them? So I would be very concerned that any effort here will be half assed, from both sides as she has clearly sucked down the cool aid.

Just to add, what really frustrates me in these situations is that these men seem to think they can promise everything will be better, without any proof. I mean arguably, as you are still in touch with his mum and sister, the best route would have been for him to ask them to intercede on his behalf, to send a gift and an apology card (through them), to make a payment towards back maintenance.... any or all of these things would suggest that MAYBE things would be different this time. But.. Nada

I would guess that she doesn’t know the half of it.
You could suggest she uses Claire’s law to check his background - I doubt he has told her about being convicted of abuse and stalking. The fact he is now using her to contact you - with a pathetic excuse about maintenance. She sounds like she has been well and truly taken in by him.

I also think the children need to have a say in it , but also being aware of what he’s done in an age appropriate way. A card or letter is a good idea. Turning up at a Center to see someone they’ve not seen for years could be very confronting.

It shouldn’t be down to his girlfriend to arrange any of this. He could get a bank account using his mums address for goodness sake.

Thank you for all your replies, I really appreciate them. My concerns are for my children as I am not responsible for blocking any relationship they may want with their dad. He is their father, although has been absent for years, but I understand they probably will want to try some sort of contact eventually. I have never ever spoken ill of him to them and have always tried to encourage them to talk about him if they want to etc. I will sometimes say “when your dad and I went on holiday here we did this etc etc” if they ask about something, I haven’t ever tried to pretend he doesn’t exist.

They have a wonderful step dad and a younger sister so we have given them a very stable, loving life and they are thriving in school and social activities. I really want to protect that.

I believe his new partner has been told of his DV and stalking convictions as she made reference to them in her message and said he has explained it all and he was in a bad place and has changed etc. I think she is vulnerable herself and completely sucked in but I cannot give the time to her as I can’t save her!

You are absolutely right thay you don't have to save her. It's a out that the red flags we can see even just in this small interaction are invisible to her, but there you go.

I would.message her and say that unfortunately, nothing younhave seen so far suggests he has changed. If he wants to meet the children, they are old enough to have some say so you suggest that he writes to them and asks their forgiveness. If it was me, I would also point out that just because he chose not to see his children doesn't mean he wasn't still responsible for them financially and that the money spent on a co tact centre would have been better spent in starting to pay towards their lives.

Then say you won't be communicating with her further but will, of course, look out for any contact from him to the dc.