What am I doing wrong?

[RRDex]

Divorced and share custody.

Kids - 15, 12 ans 8.
Been doing shared custody for nearly 6 years.

Seems often they will do things at their father's that they won't do for me..... eat certain things, go for walks, get involved in movie night etc.

What am I doing wrong?
I give them lots of choice which I doubt he does but it is leaving me feeling utterly unloved and like he is the favourite.

I have complex ptsd for how he treated me during the marriage and divorce and after explaining his behaviour y therapist thinks he may be a narcissist or at least have narcissistic behaviours.

I am tired of feeling like this.
He never lifted a finger or had anything to do with childcare when we were together and it is still me who does all the organisational side of the kids lives and puts in place anything they may need.

I just feel so lost and confused when the tell me they did such and such but when I ask they won't do it for me!!

anyone else been here?

That must be really difficult, I'm sorry you're experiencing any of it.

I think it's very easy for kids to over-emphasise certain aspects of what they've been doing. You never know what they are saying to their Dad about what you do with them.

Co-parenting with an ex who treated you really badly must be really difficult, especially when your kids see him as a "fun dad" when you're the "looking after everything important mum".

All I can suggest is finding new things to try with your kids. Whether that's days out or activities. You don't want to compete with your ex, just try something new to connect with your kids.

Other than that, keep up what you're doing. Your kids will grow and learn. Now it may seem painful they favour him but as they grow they will appreciate you for everything and see their dad as the man he really is behind the "fun dad" facade.

I doubt you are doing anything wrong, it sounds like you are the one your kids take for granted because they are secure with you and sure of your reliability. They are probably on their best behaviour for their father because they are insecure with him

Thanks Alloweraoway - that's more or less what my husband says.

Aggielocke - not sure it s about him being the fun one.
thye don't 'do' much.
It is me that takes them to activities,escape rooms, animal encounters, the movies etc.
But it is me they say no to. whereas him if he says it then it happens.

eg - my son wanted to join a gym. it was expensive and we just couldn't logistically make it work with pick up drop off etc.
When I said no he went on and on and on " why, why not" etc.
when his dad said no he said " ok" and left it!

If I organise something cool - eg - cirque du soleil - my son went on about how he didn't want to go.
When their dad says they are going something - they just do it.

it hurts!

He just feels he can express himself with you. I don't think you should take it so personally. It's the better situation to be in compared with your ex who they obviously feel they can't have a voice with

If I organise something cool - eg - cirque du soleil - my son went on about how he didn't want to go. When their dad says they are going something - they just do it.

You thought it was cool - had you talked about it with the kids beforehand? Was it your DSs choice?

How do you know that they 'just do it's when their Dad tells them to? Does he ask for their views, ideas, suggestions before organising?

I think at 15, 12 and 8 you are going to find it hard to find things that they all want to do. I think it's ok for the eldest to sometimes say that they'd prefer not to join in.

You're their safe space OP. Honestly this is completely normal behaviour. Stop comparing or it will send you mad!

It's nice that your son wants to join a gym. Could you think of any solutions, eg he contributes part of the cost from pocket money?

FlameTulip - yeah it is great. it wasn't just the money it was logistics of getting him there and home etc.
I bought him gym equipment for home. He used it for about a year then stopped.

I know they just agree with him because I have seen it happen.
I also listen to what they tell me about what they have done - even just little things like going to the shops after school.

Thanks for everyone's input
x