DP wants to move, I don’t know …

[MeltyPuffedOut]

We live in the countryside close to my parents. Two kids under 3. One of the main reasons we chose to live here is that it is close to my family as before having kids we saw them all the time and were very close.

it’s also a beautiful place. Nice neighbours. Excellent primary school 2 mins walking from our front door. Lots of wonderful things to do on our doorstep.

In the last 3 years both DMs and DSFs mental health has fallen off a cliff. This has been the result of a number of different factors. We aren’t a close family anymore as a result. We don’t spend any time together as a family, I’ve stopped inviting them places as they just say no. Their house has become a truly depressing place, I don’t want to be there. The constant negativity is bringing me down. And with the kids so young I feel I just don’t have the bandwidth for their problems. It’s starting to affect my mood in general.

My partner is from another city, aeroplane away. He comes from a big family. Cousins the same age as our kids. His sister would definitely want to be part of our lives.

He wants to go home. He misses his family and feels we have no family connection here anymore anyway so we should go. He feels we can give the kids a better family life there.

I feel like if we go it will destroy my mum. And she’s already so fragile. I feel like she does want to be part of our lives, but she just can’t right now.

I also genuinely love where we live. My partner is confident we can find somewhere similar near his folks.

Just looking for advice. Do we move away from a lovely place to give the kids a wider family circle?

Do I stay for my mum? Am I foolish to let my mums mental state stop me from doing what might be the best thing for my family?

Do we stay and make the best of it? Quality of life is good. Mortgage is small area is fabulous.

God I don’t know! Sorry for the essay.

Abandoning your mum because she is suffering with mental health would be awful. I empathise entirely with not having the bandwidth to support (I am in the exact same situation with a young family and close mentally ill family members) but that is what family is for. If she had cancer would you up and leave and say you don't have the time for her? Unless there's a drip feed about her not being a good mum to you etc, you need to figure out a way to help and support her while still maintaining enough space to live your life happily.

If considering moving, I would keep the current house and rent near your OH's family to see how you feel. See if you like the area, if you think you can settle there etc.

@MeltyPuffedOut morning ! prevaricating is weakening your resolve

As in any situation, you will not know until you have moved, either what a terrible mistake you have made, which will manifest early, or the best move for your family, which may well take longer.

Your children are not at school so no enmeshing there, neither will they remember your present home or your Mother if you move.

Would this move have occurred to you without the persuasion of your partner -
or are you contemplating this upheaval only at his behest.
He is applying the current difficulties with your Mother, as a former but now inactive fulcrum so of no practical use, in order to lever you out and into his world, his sister
lined up to fill the role of substitute mother, despite her likely to have a full life of her own.
However, as your Mother’s MH has coincidentallyoccurred at the same time as you having children, perhaps the two are connected, your partner sees this as having a detrimental effect on his family and would prefer to remove you from a morbid influence?

As soon as your children are at school you will make new friends with other mums,
widening your circle, making it more difficult to move.

Leaving your Mother now does seems shabby behaviour.

You have offered only the bones of your dilemma. Without good reason,
why would you move? Your partner’s argument is not enough to justify the upheaval, guilt (yours) uncertain prospects, possibility of stress bedwetting (children) relying on his sister and other family, an unsettling time.

Best of luck with your decision, if indeed it is your decision.

Thanks for your replies. It’s just hard at the moment.

It has been a hard couple of years. I’m worried about my mum constantly. Rightly or wrongly I also do feel let down by her. I know it’s not her fault but it’s a consequence. I also understand that my partner gets lonely here and his desire to be close to his family is as valid as my desire to be close to mine. His mother has also been unwell. We are letting someone down wherever we are.

Im constantly being pulled in different directions. (This isn’t the first time this has come up) Ultimately I just want to do right by my kids.

One of the issues with being a parent is balancing the needs of your children and the needs of your parents.

It is very very hard emotionally to look after both small children and parents who also need support. Especially if you were expecting your DM and DSF to support you.

You mention mental health difficulties. Are they of the kind that might resolve or are we talking permanent?

Bear in mind that if you move to be closer to DH's family while you might expect support from them they might also expect it from you.

I honestly don’t know if they will resolve. There have been ups and downs but lately everything seems to be getting worse. I worry they are bringing eachother down.

"lovely countryside places" are generally not so appealing for teens.

If you are going to move, it's a good time to do so for minimum disruption for the children.

If you didn't already live near your mum, would you feel compelled to move near her to help with her health issues?