Splitting time between a toddler and a baby...?

[OlderNotWiser]

How do other mums of 2 (or more) share themselves between their children? I am just not getting it right. My toddler (27 months old) has become increasingly aggressive, attention seeking and unhappy the last couple of months... we have a 4 month old baby and basically I just can't work out how to be with them both. If I have them both in the same room toddler is stroppy and over boisterous, so I end up putting them in different but adjoining rooms, kind of dipping in and out as one or the other gets fed up (neither likes to be alone, understandably!) But having them together doesnt seem to work unless we're out, and only then presumably because the baby tends to sleep so is out of the equation.

I really miss the relationship I had with my toddler before new baby arrived...which is not to say I regret new baby, he is gorgeous and lovely ...but also still feeding for 20 to 30 mins every 2 to 3 hours so impacts on toddler a lot.

How do other people do it...?

Hi OlderNotWiser, I was about to post a very similar message - I have DS1 2.3 and DS2 17 weeks and am experiencing very similar behaviour, but DS1 has also started hitting DS2 really hard over the head and in the stomach if he gets the chance and is particularly stroppy and jealous when I am feeding the baby - he has never been an agressive child and is behaviour is starting to worry me. Sorry no advice but I'm in the same boat and will be watching this with interest.

hi there
I sympathise, I have a 6mo and a 3 yo and have found these few months extremely tough. I ended up crying on the HV's shoulder (the shame!) and asking her exactly the same question as you have posted. My DD1 went throgu ha very difficult period following the birth where she became boisterous, aggressive and moody. I found it quite unbearable dealing with that and a screaming baby at the same time.

HOWEVER, here is the good news- IMO it is a matter of time and you have probably done the hardest bit already. Between 4 and 5 months DD2 began to find DD1 the most interesting person in the universe. She is now happy to sit/ lie in the same room with her and watch her play for quite long periods while i get on with other stuff, or to sit on my knee while I do lego etc with DD1. Likewise DD1 has stopped being completely manic and over-bouncy (in hindsight this was attention seeking behaviour). Things have just settled down a lot in the last 6 weeks or so and they have begun to build a relationship. When they look at each other and laugh it melts my heart!

There are a couple of practical things I would suggest. Someone told me to bath them together as often as you can as it helps bonding, and that has proved true (it also speeds up the bedtime routine!) I also 'invent' commentary from DD2 on DD1's activities (sounds a bit loony written down!) along the lines of, "DD2 is wondering where you're going to put that piece of jigsaw" or "DD2 likes the pink hat best, what about you DD1?". This seemed to help her to see the baby as a person rather than an annoying blob and encouraged her to talk back.

The other thing I did was to sign up DD1 for swimming lessons and pay a childminder to sit with DD2 for 2 hours so that once a week we have a chunk of time just for us. It is a bit stressful because I am still BF so have only a short 'window' to be away from DD2 but it has paid dividends in terms of our relationship.

Sorry this has turned out so long! Good luck!

My DDs are 2 and 4 at the end of next month and DC3 is due a few days after their birhtdays so I have a bit of experience in these things. I think Pendulum has given some great advice. Definitely do the bathing together - in fact, as strange as it may seem, doing things together is the best way to get them to get on IME. If they don't get used to that you'll find yourself way too stretched as time goes on and that just isn't fair on you.

I just wanted to say it honestly really does get a lot easier - you are going through the hardest bit right now. You will find ways which suit you and your children best - but I do think whatever you do you have to find a way to keep them in the same room.

I would second everything pendulum said but my other suggestion would be that if DC1 starts with the unacceptable behaviour they have to be removed for 2 mins then allowed to return. I found this was the only way that I got things sorted with my two (my DD1 was the same age as your DC1 is now) - I made sure that this punishment was continued for any bad behaviour that wasn't related to DD2 and I think that was important. I hated doing it but I had no choice but to have mine in the same room as we have a tiny cottage. It did resolve things pretty quickly for us.

Also I would say that you have to acknowledge how hard it is for you to adjust too. I remember the first time DD1 hit DD2. I remember thinking 'arrghhh, someone hit my baby!' I wanted to throttle the culprit (as any mohter would) but then the person doing the hitting was my other 'baby' - it took some time to get my head around that.

Your relationship with your Toddler has changed irreversibly but not for the worse - honestly. I asked DD1 the other day how she felt about another baby coming along - she said she didn't want it (she knows whats coming ) she said we should send him back. When I asked if we should send DD2 back too so she could have mummy all to herself again she burst into tears and said 'No Mummy, I love her lots and lots, please can we keep her!'

just wanted to say, come on over to the '2 under 2' thread (we aren't too strict on entry requirements )
i can't figure out how to copy & paste on my new laptop (!) but it is called The All New 2 Under 2 Thread
come on over

Hi I have 5 dc

mine are 11, 8, 6, 2 and 1 on Sunday

so i have done this 2 close together thing twice now

you have to bite the bullet and let them spend time together with you. I think (with the best of intentions) you are making life more difficult for yourself. You have two arms to cuddle with, so there is enough of you to go around

can you get your elder child to "help" you look after the baby, and make them feel special and important? Also, as long as baby is fed, and clean, then the toddlers needs are usually more pressing.

as others have said, it does get easier

best of luck x

Hi

I have dd who is 3 in a couple of months and a 4 month old ds. I had same worries about a month or so ago and came on this site to look for help, and yes of course I found it. Someone had suggested (not to me but on some other thread) that when the older child was playing up or the behaviour was unacceptable 9 times out of 10 it was attention seeking. They suggested that when this happen you take it as a cue the older one needs some activity or other. Stop what your doing, kneel down and start some activity or get the older one involved in the activity that your doing. I read this at about midnight and started doing it the next morning, the resuls were immediate. Even if its just reading a book to her while I'm feeding him, or telling her a made up story while I'm tidying up, you know, it could be anything, just an interaction.

I've also noticed that my dd has just this week started playing with ds, she hasn't been all that interested just until a few days ago and now she really is starting to interact - and that is not anything to do with me, just something which has happened naturally as he has started laughing at her and stuff.

It is soo difficult as your heart strings are being plucked all the time. Good luck.

BigBadMouse- DD1 told me the other day that she wants to marry DD2

Think you've got lots of good dvice here, but I would also suggest getting a playpen to 'keep' your baby in, then they will be in the same room, you won't be split between rooms, and they'll able to communicate, but the baby will be protected. If you've got lots of space, something like this or if not, a friend of mine used a travel cot something like this

ooh, forgot to say........ it gets better!!!

Thanks so much for all the advice everyone, sorry I didnt reply last night - had had a bad night, so couldnt stay awake having posted!!! Theres a lot to think about and try out here...and yes, I knew at some level keeping them apart wasn't helping but sometimes you need someone to say it for it to sink in. Will go off and ponder and try again I think. And keep reminding myself it will improve, you've all told me so!

I will be facing this challenge soon myself. What about slinging the baby and then that makes you hands free and able to play cuddle with the toddler ?

Babies- the sling was a success while DD2 was tiny but it soon outgrew its usefulness really- DD2 got fed up of being constrained at around 4 months and playing with my DD1 has always involved lots of getting up/ down and jumping about (she is mainly into make-believe games) which is difficult to do with a sling on.

I'm sure you will find it a godsend in the first weeks though.

We tended to ostentatiously ignore the baby when the toddler wanted attention. Even if the baby cried a bit, we'd focus on the toddler. We used a sling too, but I found it hard to use a sling while dealing with a toddler - you are always bending over and the baby keeps falling out, or nearly falling out. Not very relaxing. And our babies weren't the most crying sort, so maybe for some people ignoring the baby wouldn't work.

I fould toddler groups really good for entertaining baby and toddler. Toddler potters, you sit in knackered style feeding baby. Or baby sleeps in buggy at side of room while you play with toddler. We went to loads of toddler groups when I had 2 tiny children (17 months apart).

Or what about playpen/travel cot to put baby in, with babygym etc, in same room as toddler but their own little protected space.