Struggling With 3 .5 Year Old

[Paul2023]

Currently away on a Bank Holiday break with some friends , who we normally visit twice a year .
Our 3.5 year old son ( Jack ) has recently become really difficult. Defiant, sometimes rude , very picky at what he eats.

Common behaviour- I don’t want to go to nursery, whilst we’re at home. But then goes in fine.
I don’t like dinner- and moves his plate across the table.
I don’t want a bath.
I don’t like this or that.

It’s very draining, generally.

Some friends of our friends came to dinner last night, who we’ve met a few times but DS doesn’t really remember them.

They tried engaging a little bit like adults do to small children but he wasn’t interested in talking to them.

As they were leaving last night after dinner they said goodbye to everyone. As they were leaving I said ‘Say goodbye ‘Jack’- No ! Don’t want to !

They were fine with it but it was also embarrassing I felt.

Bit of a back story - we’re late 30s and early 40s. Our friends ( Jane and Mike) are an older couple ( 64) but we’ve been friends since my wife met ‘Jane’ at work about 12 years ago. We used to live in the same town but they moved to rural Devon three year ago. Jane and Mike never had their own children.

He goes to nursery and we asked them what’s he’s like. They said he plays with his particular friends, normally running around playing Paw Patrol.

They didn’t really say they had any concerns with his behaviour, but said he needs to work on his independence when it comes to getting dressed and going to the toilet. We’ve been potty training him and he seems to be doing ok bar the odd accident here and there.

At home he has the usual outbursts and tantrums.

We have a 9 year old daughter, who had her moments too but our son seems totally different!

Jack isn’t his real name by the way. But he’s also really loving and affectionate.

He’s really like Jekyll and Hyde.

He was born premature and as a result turns 4 in August, meaning he’s due to start school in September. Rather than the year after. Which as I told my wife , means he’s already up against it because he’s going to school a whole year earlier than he would have done had he have been born in the October when he was due. So he’s missing out on a whole years development.
My wife says we should send him to school as planned unless nursery raises any concerns about why he shouldn’t .

Is he picking up negative behaviour from other children? Will he grow out of it ? We’ve noticed he sometimes chases and playfully hits his sister , but nursery have said they haven’t witnessed him doing that there when we told them this.Obviously, as siblings do ,they bicker and fight.

We’re going to Cornwall with our friends in October half term and their friends who I mentioned earlier and staying in a large house.

Im kind of dreading it even though it looks lovely. I’m also aware the weather is going to be cold and wet as we will be limited to what we can do with it being that time of year.

Anyone else really struggled with a 3 year old ?

I should also add he likes his toys being set up in a set way, things like that too.

Both my girls were a handful at 4 and no problem at 2 or 3! Both grew out if it with some firm boundaries.

This all sounds like normal 3 year old behaviour to me, I'm afraid. Perhaps your daughter was unusually well- behaved and set a high bar?

Well she was an only child then - no one to compete with. She had her moments , but maybe they are distant memories..

Sounds like a normal 3 year old to me.

Sounds normal to me too op!

If he due to start school in 4 months and isn’t reliably potty trained and can’t dress himself then I was seriously look into him starting reception in September 2024 instead. It’s something most summer born children would benefit from.

Yes due to start reception in September. He’s have just turned 4 literally 10 days earlier.

You can choose for him to start school in September 2025 instead but you need to get the school to agree to him starting in reception. In some areas this is really straight but not every where. There is a really helpful facebook paged called ‘flexible admissions for summer borns’.

I agree with everyone else that he sounds like a typical 4 year old and I think receptions for him in a few months will be challenging for him.

His behaviour sounds totally normal for his age. However I'd specifically ask nursery about their opinion on deferral. They're unlikely to directly tell you you should.

How is he academically? Does he know all his numbers and letters, shapes, colours?

This.

Between nephews, nieces, my cousins kids, my friends kids and my own kids, I currently know a lot of children under 10.

Age 3-5 has been peak asshole for a lot of them. Way more than half including my own.

My nephew who I’m particularly close to is a gorgeous 7 year old. I could have happily not seen him between the ages of 3.5 and 4.5

Echoing advice of PPs about deferring his school start. My daughter is an August baby and I'm so glad we did this. Nursery were really supportive when I talked to them. Definitely use 'Flexible school admissions for summer-born children' Facebook group for advice and info, they have loads of documents etc you can read through. His behaviour sounds typical of a 3 year old, but I do think they're at such a disadvantage starting school aged just 4. I'm a primary teacher by the way, so I see this difference continuing through the primary years, though it generally gets less pronounced as they get older. An extra year at nursery could be a great thing for him socially/ emotionally/ developing his independence... My daughter was so ready for school at 5 and had developed so much over that year. She's now in year 1 and doing well, but I'm thankful she started year 1 at 6 not 5!

Er... what exactly do you think is the problem with his behaviour? Nothing you've described sounds unusual or unmanageable. Agree that he'll struggle with starting school when he's only just turned 4. However, that's the problem with the system, not him:
https://www.newscientist.com/article/mg22029435-000-too-much-too-young-should-schooling-start-at-age-7/#:~:text=If%20we%20consider%20the%20contribution,psychological%2C%20neuroscientific%20and%20educational%20studies.

Sorry for late replies and thank you.

One question though , if we ask about holding our son back until September 2025, my wife thinks we won’t be entitled to free childcare.
Anyone know if this is the case? How does nursery fees work if you hold a child back a year?

Just to re- cap our some was born two months premature in August 2020. He was due in the October.
He would have been due to go to school in September 25 but as he was an August baby he’s due to go this September.

Had he have been born just 9 days later , he’d have still been premature but would have gone to school in 2025.

The website says childcare fees are paid until a child is aged 4.

I believe you do until they legally have to start school which is the term after they turn 5.

I have an august 2020 baby too. We have just had her ready for school assessment and for her it's very clear she is ready for school. Have you had yours yet? If not I would be approaching the HV to see where they are currently and get support with a deferral and to see if there are any aspects that need some attention.

For what it's worth my almost 4yo has flat out refused to say goodbye to any grandparent in person or on video calls for months. Today she asked for a round of toast this evening by the time it was on her plate she didn't like toast. She was asked if she wanted to finish her oat milk, no she wanted water. Gave her water no she wanted her oat milk and repeat! It's bloody hard work!

3.5 is the most —annoying— challenging age. I’m the mother of grown-ups but I still remember that age. Bossy, rebellious, know-all, exhausting. I once saw a boy in the park shouting at a bird to stop singing. He was 3.5.

Mine was telling some ducks off today because they were out of the water and she wanted them back in the pond.